Defensiveness (how to, woman, jealous, partner)

[DennyCrane]

None of us enjoy being criticized. Too often, we take it personally when it's really meant to be helpful. And sometimes, what we're told is stuff we deserve to be told even though we don't like to hear it. Ever know someone who seemed a bit defensive or too sensitive about anything you said about them? For example, if you pay them a compliment, instead of accepting it, they read some hidden meaning or they interpret it as back-handed? How do you deal with such people and more importantly, why do people act like that and how do you point out to them they're doing it without making things worse?

[Mr.Cat]

I would have to listen to the tone of the person. Depending on it my level of defensiveness goes up or down.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

None of us enjoy being criticized. Too often, we take it personally when it's really meant to be helpful. And sometimes, what we're told is stuff we deserve to be told even though we don't like to hear it. Ever know someone who seemed a bit defensive or too sensitive about anything you said about them? For example, if you pay them a compliment, instead of accepting it, they read some hidden meaning or they interpret it as back-handed? How do you deal with such people and more importantly, why do people act like that and how do you point out to them they're doing it without making things worse?

It's all in the way you say it. If you say it the way many of us have on here, of course they're going to become defensive (I'm guilty too of not watching how I word things and my tone). That's not to say you should *****-foot around it and coddle anyone, there is a happy medium.

As for your example, that's a sign of low self esteem. I used to do it and when someone gently pointed it out to me--that I really need to learn how to accept a compliment and believe it b'c he didn't hand out compliments loosely (and I knew that to be true)--it really opened my eyes to how people see me in that area.

[LovelyinLa]

Sometimes, how you say something is just as important as what you say.

[cpg35223]

Believe it or not, I'm known in real life as a pretty tactful guy, the go-to to discuss unpleasant truths. Evidently I have a knack for doing it without royally pissing off people. It must be the tone of deep and profound regret and embarrassment that I put in my voice.

That being said, I had a business partner like that. She would waltz into my office and bless me out over the most trivial, petty, and sometimes nonexistent things. Sure, there were times I screwed up and gave her a mea culpa. But this woman would never admit to ANYTHING, and took deep umbrage at anybody who said anything. Our sales guy had been waiting on business cards for three months? Not her fault. She lost an entire box of irreplaceable client apparel samples, thereby costing us a very plum account? Not her fault. She shipped an entire pallet of materials to the wrong address in a different state, even though the address was written in bold and underlined on the work order? Again, not her fault. She would get her hackles raised if anything, anything might be even slightly laid at her doorstep. She wound up being hated by everybody and, when I finally fired her, all my employees went out for drinks.

[yankeegirl313]

Originally Posted by Mr.Cat

I would have to listen to the tone of the person. Depending on it my level of defensiveness goes up or down.

Yep!

[artsyguy]

I had a roommate like that. Often times he was the one delivering the backhanded comments to me. Whenever I'd say something friendly or nice he would get very defensive. I'd be like hmmm okkkaaay.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

None of us enjoy being criticized. Too often, we take it personally when it's really meant to be helpful. And sometimes, what we're told is stuff we deserve to be told even though we don't like to hear it. Ever know someone who seemed a bit defensive or too sensitive about anything you said about them? For example, if you pay them a compliment, instead of accepting it, they read some hidden meaning or they interpret it as back-handed? How do you deal with such people and more importantly, why do people act like that and how do you point out to them they're doing it without making things worse?

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

I had a roommate like that. Often times he was the one delivering the backhanded comments to me. Whenever I'd say something friendly or nice he would get very defensive. I'd be like hmmm okkkaaay.

How did you deal with it and why do you think he did that? I'm just trying to understand why some people behave in this way. Is it a self-esteem issue?

[artsyguy]

Well first off he made me very angry and I hated being around him. I spent most of my time in my room or had headphones on when in his presence in order to avoid a discussion. At other times when I needed to talk with him I'd keep the topic only on business and kept conversations short. It was not possible to be his friend.

From the sources that I have read people are very defensive because they are hiding something which is usually their own agenda that involves you being used or taken advantage of and they don't want you to discover that.

The other reasons are your typical low self esteem, insecurities, envy, and poor social etiquette excuses all rolled into one.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

How did you deal with it and why do you think he did that? I'm just trying to understand why some people behave in this way. Is it a self-esteem issue?

[yankeegirl313]

It could be caused from alot of things really. Jealousy issues, or possibly something that is eating at them, and they just lash out.