three year relationship pain (dating, movies, boyfriend, girlfriend)

[foppun27]

I just recently got out of a three year relationship. It was my doing. I didn't do it for selfish reasons. It came down to the fact I wanted to be a more dependable person for my current girl friend, and where I was in life wasn't allowing me to be at all. I had responsibilities I needed to get done, and I felt as if a relationship was inhibiting me from just making the first moves I needed to in regards to it.


Its almost as if I had enough energy to either take care of my girlfriend in the way she needed to be. Chill with my friends, or take care of my responsibilities. In the first part of my relationship we were wonderful. She was the first person I really opened up to. We went through the romance stage it was awesome... we had our first real altercation about a year in. it was because I lied to her about smoking weed. She use to know I did hither and fither, but I asked her if it bothered her one night because I could see it in her face something seemed really irksome to her. She told me it was the drugs, I offered to quite... well I did for awhile, but then I started smoking casually with my friends maybe once every two weeks or so. She eventually found out about a year in, she had said if she found out I did drugs she would break up with me. When she found out she did / didnt. Essentialy she just said, how could you lie to me... I dont know if I can trust you, and why would you choose drugs over me.


I hide specifics that I felt would make her upset that really only effected me... guess its dumb in a relationship huh... either way this paved way to the whole trust issue that I had to deal with. She use to be a jealous girl at first, and I was always a fairly independent guy. Things changed progressively...


When I went to college I continued dating her. I would bus out to her some times sense I didnt have a car, and she would drive to see me. Things were kind of stagnent. She was paranoid when I went away, and I had to hear about the worries a lot, and I eventually lost a lot of the patience I use to have with her, and one day when I told her I couldnt make it to a dinner just because it was extremley inconvinent in my schedule and I had other stuff I needed to do later, and it just made my life complicated... she gave me just a little bit of attitude and I broke up with her.


She called me and cried, I told her I loved her, but I just couldnt deal with that stuff anymore, well I met some other people, learned life went on... then realized I really do love this girl, a lot. I started talking to her and we got back together. The next six months was her getting over the fact I abandoned her for the duration of two to three weeks in her deepest darkest moment of need, as she put it.


Things were never consistent really after that point. I decided I was going to just do what ever I wanted and try and be reasonable with her. It worked, but for some reason I kept stuff from her still just because I didn't want to deal with the facial expressions, the attitude in general I felt when I did something that didn't coincide with her morals, or that she just didnt want.


She told me if I dont like it, ignore me. The truth is I couldn't, I just didnt understand why she couldn't relax and be ok with me doing what I wanted as long as I loved her and showed it to her everyone in awhile.


Truth is I use to be more romantic with her, I got her flowers, I littered her room with them once, I would take her out to movies and such all the time... but there is only so much I can do for so long, real life hit me and then I had other things to take care of, she got it, she understood it, shes an extremley smart girl. But I just guess it was not enough for her.




I started smoking more again so I could relax around her. It helped calm me so I could listen and such... the truth is it centered me at the time because I was using it as an escape. she hated it when I smoked, and took my actions to mean less with her.


I had dropped out of college for a year while I was with her to try and find myself... I worked a bit. But mainly I partied a bit, went out with my friends, hang with her, go out with her some times. I would go to the gym consistently, and played with ideas that I might want to do long term in regards of my life.


She was supportive in what ever. She didnt care I dropped out, she said she always knew school wasn't for me, she would was there for me during times I really needed her, and specific things blew up in my face. And I wasn't there for her when she needed me towards the last year of our relationship because I was so ****ed up in where I was in life. I really gave her little of what she needed.


Because I was conditioned to always assume she wouldn't be cool with the things I did sense the start of our relationship when she was a little more controlling in regards of what she was worried about I wasn't always 100% honest. I would just opt to leave details out so I wouldnt have to hear about it. It was for selfish reasons, I didnt want to deal with it.


we had had an on and off thing for a bit towards the end of the last year, and each on and off seemed to have landed near a very important event for her... It ruined a lot of experiences that could have been nice for her. I ruined them I guess...


I noticed I wasnt making her happy, and I was at a point where I really needed to bring my life together, and I am now, and im doing it succesfully. I broke up with her to do it, and I wanted to come back not smoking, changing the way I felt necessary to be the man she really needed...


I tried explaining to her previously that week why I was thinking maybe we shouldnt be together right now, so I can change.


I called her to try and talk after the break up, and she said... you ruined our birthday plans, you didnt bother calling for two days to attempt to sort any of this out. And I just dont know if.


I just was trying to let her know my intentions and that I still was madly deeply in love with her.


Well we talked on and off, didnt see each other for two to three weeks. She was distant with me, I was just trying to be cool with her the way I allways was with everyone, and when she would start opening up, I would, but then she would withdraw and I got drilled once I was opened.


I understood it was just because of all the ****y crap that happened and that she was hurt. I just wanted time from her to get my life together... thats a lot to ask for after a year of dealing with my crap.


She went on vacation, she pushed it back onto the days that landed on out birthday. I wanted to surprise her with a picnic, a bottle of whine, the fact I had just purchased my car, show her the comp card I got made for modeling while she was gone. Well I couldnt because she stayed in the bahamas longer, I figured... no big deal. Ill wait.


We talked while she was in the bahamas. The day after my birthday she told me she had met some one, and they had asked her out... she said yes...






four weeks
four ****ing weeks.


I didnt understand how she could say yes.


Shes a gorgeous, charming girl, very educated, very intelligent... and very emotional... but very young still? Or is that pompous to say.


I realized I cant hate her for this, its just who she is. She felt a good vibe from some one, and had been sad for awhile and wanted to get over me and be happy...


I got ****ed.


I just felt disgusted because I always thought of her as a strong character and she couldn't be her own individual person... I felt like I just had a position with her, boyfriend, and once I relinquished it, it was up for grabs by the next guy that so happened to really want to lay the charm down.


When she told me this I didnt know what to say, so I just said, Oh cool, thats great im happy for you... told her I didnt understand laughed a bit, said ok well hope your happy, hung up. I called her later after I realized I couldnt hate her, pretty much told her that, and she said she always wanted to be my friend, I thought it was bull****.


I ended up calling her later that week crying, telling her how I felt. How I couldnt understand what had transpired. She said she was sorry I was feeling sad... horrible thing to hear because I knew it ment **** in the reality of the situation, I knew it was going no where. I told her I needed her to tell me she had no hope for us and she wanted me to move on. She crushed me.


I figure if she wants to be my friend, shell call... but other then that I assume it to be a gesture and shes just moving on.


I just dont get it... I have girls that want to date me now, but I have no interest in anyone, I dont understand how she could rebound so easily... and just try and move on. I almost feel as if she needs to love where I choose. Im disgusted.


She really was a great girl. I did **** up a lot. But I just dont understand so much.


I learned a lot from the relationship, a lot of realistic things, but nothing I want to be true. Im bitter, I feel as if the lesson shes learning is one of movement and happiness where the one im learning is more of... love exists, but keep things real with the other person while your dating... im bitter towards the discrepancies of our lessons, towards the fact she gets to move on, and I just feel ****ed.


I am moving on, I know it... but I dont want to date any of the girls that have been interested in me. I get a empty enjoyment out of being nice, and taking them on dates, and listening... but its nothing.


I feel the way I do before I really opened up to this girl, like the interactions between people is a giant charade. I have had girls who just got out of relationships show huge amounts of interest in me, and its just a reminder of my ex whos dating some one else.


What I loved about this girl is nothing was with her, when she felt it, she felt it. She went for it. And the very same thing I loved about her took her away from me.. its ironic. I don't hate her for it but **** im pissed.


I guess more then anything this is just me venting about the fact I feel like i got the short end of the deal.


truth is tho she waited a long time for what she wanted.

[PassTheChocolate]

You're conflicted and we don't always see things clearly when we're hurting. You're farther ahead in that you acknowledge where you went wrong. At some point, you'll accept that what you have now is the result. That is not to say she was perfect, but she went from being lied to about certain things to accepting them against her better judgment and nothing changed on your end. It sounds harsh, but she settled. Based on what you are saying, you know this to be true.

The ideal thing would have been for you to find someone who was in line with your lifestyle and choices. I know a lot of people who smoke and I don't condemn it, but I don't want it in my day to day with the man I love. That was her right that you took from her when you lied about it and she compromised when she decided to try and accept it. Neither of you should have done that. Combined with the back and forth, the uncertainty, lacking trust that you admittedly caused - this was bound to happen.

Hopefully you can find a way to not villify her for it. She tried, from what you are expressing, and came up short. I don't see how you could feel screwed and admit to all you have at the same time.

[amsherwo]

I am so sorry for what you are going through It gets easier with time (I know, everybody says that, and it gets really annoying to hear, but it is the truth). Every day the pain fades a little bit. Good luck.