Should you tell your Current about your past? (date, girlfriends, how to)
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I find that people who pride themselves in being an open book are often soaked in drama. In fact, this has always been the case with those I have met. They also feel entitled to the same.
One example - I dated a guy a while back who told me he was an open book. I told him I wasn't. He asked what I had to hide. I told him I don't share my entire life story with anyone who would listen. He would eventually run and tell everyone about everything that went wrong with us, even people he barely knew. Guh, I HATE that.
I had a conversation, years ago, with a girlfriend of mine. She had a bad experience with a male she was dating who tried to force himself on her. She had some obvious issues that stemmed from the experience, but there was one thing that I found odd about her:
She insisted on telling guys she dated what she had been through.
Before I knew that, I set her up with a friend of mine (they both expressed interest). About a month later he came to me asking me what was up with her. He told me that she had told him about the situation and said she wanted to be open about it. It freaked him out apparently because they had only been dating a short time. So...
Is it the responsibility of the victim/survivor to tell her potential new BF that she was abused/attacked? Would you?
Would a guy want to hear about it? Why or why not?
I tell them really quickly and use visual aides
No seriously, I tell (told) guys pretty early anything that would be a deal-breaker for me. I had an experience in high school where a boyfriend grabbed my around my neck and shook the hell outta me so now I'm really leery about people touching my neck. With my current boyfriend I told him right away because he had a habit of standing behind me and rubbing my shoulders and collarbone. It all depends on the timing and the mood and how you say it.
I find that people who pride themselves in being an open book are often soaked in drama. In fact, this has always been the case with those I have met. They also feel entitled to the same.
One example - I dated a guy a while back who told me he was an open book. I told him I wasn't. He asked what I had to hide. I told him I don't share my entire life story with anyone who would listen. He would eventually run and tell everyone about everything that went wrong with us, even people he barely knew. Guh, I HATE that.
I agree with you on that. I know a few "open books" and they're always surrounded by drama.
If someone asked me a very personal question I'd answer truthfully depending on who they are, but I don't see the point in going around telling people things they didn't ask about/probably don't really care about.
I don't think her "need" to tell them so quickly is a good thing. Perhaps the issues she still has should be taken care of before she's getting intimate with someone. Once she starts seeing with long term potential, then of she should consider telling them in case it becomes an issue down the line.
Completely agreed.
If it gets serious, if the man and woman have good chemistry and they do open up to that level, THEN it's OK to speak about it, especially if the woman will be reluctant to give herself physically to her boyfriend. At the same time, she is probably better off seeking counseling, therapy, or some kind of assistance. This is a significant issue/demon she is carrying around and it will affect every relationship she is in. Such a woman needs healing and closure.
A good buddy of mine broke up with a good girl not too long ago. She was cool, but she had a multiplicity of issues from her past that made it very hard for her to trust men. She was a victim of rape and of sexual molestation - and due to the way she was raised she never sought the authorities or her parents' help. In other words, she grew up with all that and she was then raped as a young woman... more than once.
He told me those issues were too much for him. And he did try, very patiently, to help her and to help her trust him. He's one of the stablest and most normal men I've ever befriended. And he ultimately gave up, not just because of the enormity of her baggage, but because she herself didn't want to face them. It's as if she was afraid of healing.
People offer too much information about themselves too early on in a relationship. I don't offer s--- unless asked and even still, if it don't pertain to you, why talk about it? YOU KNOW!!!! . I would start wondering why she or he felt the need to tell you anything in the first place. When a man or woman starts telling me stuff about their past, past relationships, hates, wants, listen with all your antennas. One guy I dated briefly, hated his mom, and sister, thus he hated woman. Needless to say, I was outta there!
People need to do more listening then talking so early on. What happened to men and woman being mysterious? I love that!!
And when in doubt I'll check your a-- out! The internet will tell me what I need to know.
I'm fairly shock-proof when it comes to a person's past. I wouldn't judge anyone for choices they've made, mistakes they've made, or for bad things that have happened to them. If they felt compelled to share any of their past with me, I cannot think of anything that would suddenly turn me off to them unless it were something to the exteme like she was a man or a serial killer. Outside of something along those lines I couldn't turn my back on a girl because of her past. I've had girls who have shared some heavy stuff with me about their past...rape victims, prostitutes, strippers (not so heavy but some guys can't handle that), abortions, drug addictions, homeless, prison, you name it. None of it phased me in a negative manner. If anything it brought me closer to them in some cases. That said, I wouldn't pry into anyone's past. If they choose to keep it to themselves then that's cool too. Me personally I would say keep your past in the past, unless it's something your partner really should know either for their own health or well being, or because it is such a part of who you are today that you feel they should know.
I believe in the Navy saying "Don't ask - don't tell".
What is in the past doesn't have anything to do with the current relationship at hand. It isn't about being dishonest....it is just knowing when to let the past go and move on.
When a guy starts telling me all these stories about his ex's....I'm done with it. What a BUZZ stealer!!
A rape or molestation often has a lot to do with who a person has become and how they react to certain things. We are the sum of our experience.
I would tell someone (and did my husband) who I thought things would be serious with, things that could effect the relationship because I think it might be helpful in certain instances. Clearly if the other person had a problem hearing it, then the relationship isn't as serious as one party thought.
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