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I had a conversation, years ago, with a girlfriend of mine. She had a bad experience with a male she was dating who tried to force himself on her. She had some obvious issues that stemmed from the experience, but there was one thing that I found odd about her:
She insisted on telling guys she dated what she had been through.
Before I knew that, I set her up with a friend of mine (they both expressed interest). About a month later he came to me asking me what was up with her. He told me that she had told him about the situation and said she wanted to be open about it. It freaked him out apparently because they had only been dating a short time. So...
Is it the responsibility of the victim/survivor to tell her potential new BF that she was abused/attacked? Would you?
Would a guy want to hear about it? Why or why not?
I don't think her "need" to tell them so quickly is a good thing. Perhaps the issues she still has should be taken care of before she's getting intimate with someone. Once she starts seeing with long term potential, then of she should consider telling them in case it becomes an issue down the line.
Yes, I think it's important for these things to be told to a significant other. However, timing is also critical. I know, from experience, that it's very cathartic to let someone know about these issues, but you have to be cognizant of who you are speaking with, under what circumstances, and at what stage of the relationship.
Of course, when this can and should happen will vary widely from relationship to relationship, but it seems to me to be (generally) too soon after only a month of "traditional dating". Now, if they were getting intimate, and for some reason, she balked, maybe explaining it to him at that time might have been appropriate. But, generally, I would imagine that it would be more appropriate a little later on in the relationship.
I know that some people let things like this go right out of the gate (and I have been guilty of this too), and I can't blame the other person for being taken aback. It's almost as if some people feel that this defines who they are and can be within a relationship, without regard to the myriad positive traits that they have.
Has your friend had any therapy or tried to work through this in any way at all? I know that once I really and truly set my mind to working through what happened to me, I began to focus more on the positive things that I could bring to a relationship, and let the other stuff come out when the timing was right. For me, it was the difference between looking at myself as "damaged goods" and as someone who went through a horrible experience but didn't let that define who she was.
The only time a person should disclose their past is if it affects the present. I agree with mishi, there is a time and place for everything and for the kind of disclosure she is making, she should wait until she feels ready to be intimate with her new man.
Is it the responsibility of the victim/survivor to tell her potential new BF that she was abused/attacked? Would you?
Would a guy want to hear about it? Why or why not?
If its going to effect their relationship, it is the responsibility of the victim to tell her bf. However, that's not really a first date conversation. As the relationship becomes serious it really should come up. And to be honest, its probably a good thing for both of them
The BF should be told about something that serious. Not everyone wants to deal with a situation like that, and its his right to decide to walk away.
The victim really should be with someone supportive. If he is the kind of guy that doesn't want to deal with that kind of thing, she should get out and have the opportunity to find someone more supportive.
**I'm not condoning bailing on someone just because they are going through a rough time, I'm just acknowledging that there are people like that out there, and if you need some extra support, they aren't the right people to be dating
The only time a person should disclose their past is if it affects the present. I agree with mishi, there is a time and place for everything and for the kind of disclosure she is making, she should wait until she feels ready to be intimate with her new man.
Absolutely agree. Only if it affects the present. The need of her to express this to all men she's dated right from the get go indicates, at least to me, she is looking for someone to sympathize and take care of her and perpetuate that she is a victem(not true in all situations). I think she needs to discuss this in therapy first and foremost because it sounds like she is using the dates as therapy/love me take care of me sessions.
i had a conversation, years ago, with a girlfriend of mine. She had a bad experience with a male she was dating who tried to force himself on her. She had some obvious issues that stemmed from the experience, but there was one thing that i found odd about her:
She insisted on telling guys she dated what she had been through.
Before i knew that, i set her up with a friend of mine (they both expressed interest). About a month later he came to me asking me what was up with her. He told me that she had told him about the situation and said she wanted to be open about it. It freaked him out apparently because they had only been dating a short time. So...
Is it the responsibility of the victim/survivor to tell her potential new bf that she was abused/attacked? Would you?
Would a guy want to hear about it? Why or why not?
I think the best time to tell a person anything is if/when they have proven to be trustworthy and if it affects the relationship now.
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