A letter from a victim of domestic violence (wife, woman, loyalty)

[PassTheChocolate]

I am posting this with permission from a gal I have been helping over the past while. I thought this would be inspiring to those who have posted about being in this situation.

I realize things are better but they're always good for a while and they're only good because I stay quiet. As long as I am quiet, you are happy. But I am not.

I stay quiet because you shut me down as well as your inability to be civil or accepting of any correction, criticism or consequence. I have made several attempts only to have you dismiss me or put me through the ringer and berate me, deflect and project before you finally apologize for your reaction. By that time you have committed so many other offenses that the original issue is lost in the conflict and pales in comparison.

Resentment is the bottom line. Since our last blowout, there have many offenses and I am left to deal with all of it alone or with my counselor. In the meantime, you continue along the same path, feeling entitled to my loyalty, expecting me to cater to jealousies and insecurities I didn't create, blissful in denial, sweeping everything under the rug and happy to ignore reality.

I don't care to talk to you about it anymore. I don't care to list it all for you. I don't need you to validate how I feel or acknowledge all that has happened in order for me to know it is all true. Just know that the most offensive of all is that I have been in therapy for 10 months, in between beatings and verbal assaults, as a result of said beatings and verbal assaults, while you continue along the same path. You know all this but you push it out of your mind completely. It is more important for you to maintain your own comfort at the expense of mine, even though I have none. This is not love.

You'll never see this letter because you are not entitled to it. I don't owe you the respect of notice or warning, since you never gave me any for the 3 years you maligned, slandered and assaulted me. Funny enough, as angry as I am, with myself more than with you, I don't wish you any ill. I truly hope that you will find the happiness that awaits a sober and anger-free human being.

[lilred0005]

Wow, thanks for posting this, I hope it helps someone break free of an abuser. I also hope this person has ended their relationship with their abuser. There is NEVER any excuse for abusive behavior, NEVER!

[dfour]

Thank you for posting that PassTheChocholate. It is a shame that any woman (or man) would be in a situation like domestic violence. Hopefully she is free of this person.

[Sunnydee]

Thank you for sharing. I think the most insidious thing about domestic violence is that it slowly eats away at your sense of self and you begin to doubt yourself and your perceptions of the world. The abuser plays you like a fiddle and isolates you from anyone who could serve as a support system or sounding board for you. He/she convinces you that it's an isolated incident, that you somehow caused it, that it wouldn't have happened if ------- (fill in the blank with whatever you wish), that you are not worthy, that you are somehow flawed/damaged, etc. You walk on egg shells fearing the next blow up and lose your voice. Your life becomes a crazy roller coaster ride with the highest highs and the lowest lows and you see no way to get off the ride. My heart aches for the people who are stuck in this situation and are trying to escape the violence. It's possible, but it's very difficult, and most people just don't understand their plight.

[bobman]

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

my ex-wife cut me off from all my friends, slowly, so i didn't realise, then managed to contrive a series of arguments which isolated me from my family too. then you kinda become dependant on the abuser.

my g/f describes the same thing with her ex.

i think it's because they know that the more you talk to other people, the more you realise how messed up your life is.
while you're living in the little bubble, it's all you really know.

also people don't seem to realise that the abuse doesn't stop when you leave. you've lived by their rules for so long, it's hard to adjust to reality. hitting the real world can be a real shock, then you remember how things SHOULD be, which adds to your feelings of low self worth, and self blame.

Originally Posted by Sunnydee

Thank you for sharing. I think the most insidious thing about domestic violence is that it slowly eats away at your sense of self and you begin to doubt yourself and your perceptions of the world. The abuser plays you like a fiddle and isolates you from anyone who could serve as a support system or sounding board for you. He/she convinces you that it's an isolated incident, that you somehow caused it, that it wouldn't have happened if ------- (fill in the blank with whatever you wish), that you are not worthy, that you are somehow flawed/damaged, etc. You walk on egg shells fearing the next blow up and lose your voice. Your life becomes a crazy roller coaster ride with the highest highs and the lowest lows and you see no way to get off the ride. My heart aches for the people who are stuck in this situation and are trying to escape the violence. It's possible, but it's very difficult, and most people just don't understand their plight.

[virgode]

Victims can be isolated to the point that the endeavor feels futile,
only someone whose been there and has some compassion can comprehend.
Not always as easy to walk away from as one might think.

[NY Annie]

Thank you for posting that. And thank you for helping the author. It's so important to have a friend to help in regaining one's sense of sanity and "right-ness".