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I have a friend whose wife has gained a lot of weight over the last 6 years. They got together when she was young, and she had a child, and now she weighs about 60lbs heavier then she did before the kid.
I was in a similar situation with my ex, and it was part of what drove us apart. On top of a lot of other things, but I didn't find her attractive anymore.
He asked me what I did, which didn't work, but here is what I did.
I started working out more often. This got me into shape, and I hoped it would drive her into getting into better shape, it didn't. I dropped hints like, "wow thats a lot of food", and "Shouldn't we be eating healthier foods?".
Now he is in the same boat. He doesn't find her attractive. He has tried working out together, and she has lost interest. He has tried buying healthier foods, but she continues to eat whatever she wants.
Now his marriage isn't as bad as my old relationship was. However, something like this is all it takes to start to end a one. So I'm seeking help for him here. I looked everywhere, but can't seem to find good advice.
It is usually self-esteem issues. They are not happy. You have to dig to the deep core and find out what is making her unhappy that she would reach for the Ben and Jerry.
A lot of compliments to her would work. Tell her she should work out is not going to work.
Take her for walks and hikes. That might get her exercising and her not even knowing it.
Make her be on top during sex. That is a workout in itself.
Dropping hints like "wow that's a lot of food" is NOT going to work. If anything, it will make things worse. Most women at some point will say something like "does this make me look fat?" or "I am gaining more weight than I want." Once she expresses a desire to be thinner, give her all of the loving support you can. Massage her back after that work out; don't snack out on junk food in front of her; that sort of thing. A bit of sensitivity and positive reinforcement works best.
With that said, people do tend to gain weight as they age, and it gets more and more difficult to lose it. They also get wrinkles and gray hair. For better or worse, and all that.... I'm glad my guy cares enough about me to overlook it - just as I overlook his growing bald spot and expanding man-gut.
I have a friend whose wife has gained a lot of weight over the last 6 years. They got together when she was young, and she had a child, and now she weighs about 60lbs heavier then she did before the kid.
I was in a similar situation with my ex, and it was part of what drove us apart. On top of a lot of other things, but I didn't find her attractive anymore.
He asked me what I did, which didn't work, but here is what I did.
I started working out more often. This got me into shape, and I hoped it would drive her into getting into better shape, it didn't. I dropped hints like, "wow thats a lot of food", and "Shouldn't we be eating healthier foods?".
Now he is in the same boat. He doesn't find her attractive. He has tried working out together, and she has lost interest. He has tried buying healthier foods, but she continues to eat whatever she wants.
Now his marriage isn't as bad as my old relationship was. However, something like this is all it takes to start to end a one. So I'm seeking help for him here. I looked everywhere, but can't seem to find good advice.
What's y'alls?
You really have a lot to learn about women. LOL
I have never found a man who finds his wife undesireable because she has gained weight. More often I have found that a relationship suffers after the arrival of a child because the woman often ignores her husbands needs over her child's needs. There is no surer way to kill a relationship, as many ex-husbands will attest.
During the course of a marriage people will get fat, get skinny, get old, etc. It does not say much for the quality of the relationship or the people involved if they cannot deal with these inevitable changes.
I am currently about 40 pounds heavier than when I met/married my husband. I have been as much as 60 pounds heavier, but thankfully, I have lost some, but not all. I am extremely thankful that, although my husband is aware of my weight gain, he has not made it an issue in our relationship. Your friend needs to examine why appearances are so important to him and why he would jeopardise his marriage because of his cultural and emotional attachments to thinness.
You just encourage her to start eating healthy. Tell her that you would like to start working out, and you need her to help you, by both of you doing this. Its kinda like a competing thing.
Thats what my husband and I do, and it does work!
Okay, j/k, but I have to agree with 20yrsinBranson. What does it say about the foundation of a relationship and the marriage if it's based on looks alone?
You can't tell her she's getting fat. At all. No matter how you approach it, no matter how you say it, no matter how much finesse you use. She will still resent you for it, even though she knows you are right. She knows she's getting fat, but you will be the bad guy for bringing it up. It's a lose/lose situation. She will resent you, which will complicate things and probably make her fatter. If you say nothing, your intamacy will continue to decline due to lack of attraction. She will have to face reality herself and find the ambition to overcome it.
The ironic thing is that should you divorce, more than likely she would start working on the weight problem.
Edit: Ok, reread op and see it is your buddy going through this. Wish him luck, he'll need it.
Last edited by 11thHour; 10-31-2009 at 06:53 PM..
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<perhaps show the jury how fit and handsome you are>
