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Ok, long story short, my boyfriend told me last week (becasue he was on his facebook too much and I suspected something was up.) that his ex girlfriend was coming to town. When he said she usually likes to get together to eat, I asked him to promise me he would not see her alone. Dinner one night all of us would be fine. He agreed that he would respect my wishes. Since then, he has told me that she brought her new boyfriend with her and the new boyfriend is not at all cool getting together with the ex. Then he says to me his ex is not cool (comfortable) meeting and hanging out with me! So, to accomidate his "friend" , he makes a tentative plan to hang out when I work (unsure where her boyfriend will be.)and says to me as an afterthought, oh, BTW, we talked about getting together Monday. He also said nothing to worry about becasue she has her son with her. (as if Ive never heard of a babysitter.) I am at a loss. Am I being too posessive or is something wrong with this picture? Thank-you
What's wrong with this picture has nothing to do with your boyfriend grabbing a bite with a former girlfriend who's now involved in a new relationship of her own.
What's wrong with this picture is that your boyfriend is being disrespectful of your feelings on the matter. You've expressed your feelings and asked that you be included in any meeting. She expressed her feelings and said she'd be uncomfortable getting together with you around. So instead of him saying to her, "Hey, my girlfriend's feelings trump yours," he's letting his ex's feeling have priority. That's what's wrong.
Dating is an opportunity to learn how a potential partner will treat you in a long-term relationship. Too many women don't pay close enough attention to the behaviors during dating, that will continue (and get WORSE) in a marriage, and try to blame themselves for feeling bad about the guy's behavior.
The man you choose to commit your life to, had damn well better make you his number one priority. If he isn't doing that now, he will not do it in the future. Pay Attention!
If I were you, I'd tell him that you can't see yourself staying in a relationship with a man who puts the feelings of other people ahead of your feelings. If he's unwilling to hear you, walk away. I don't care how "wonderful" he is in every other way. This is a biggie and your life will be miserable with him, as he will continue to break your heart by not caring about your feelings. He has an opportunity to do some self-assessing and prove he's up to the emotional responsibility of being a good partner. If he says, "You know, you're right. I hadn't really seen it that way, but what you say makes sense, and I would never want you to feel that someone else's feelings mean more to me than yours. I'll tell her it's a double date or nothing," then you're golden! If not. . . take heed.
Good luck! I hope he hears you and you get what you want from him.
Let me also add one more thought. There's nothing inherently wrong with you and your boyfriend double dating with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. When I first started dating my now-husband, he had an ex-girlfriend with whom he'd remained close, mostly because they'd been close friends for many years before they tried the dating thing and realized that turning it romantic wouldn't really work for them. Now, in our situation it helped that she admitted that she's gay, and her new partner was a woman, but I still felt some initial trepidation when the FOUR of us got together the first time. But as weird as it felt for me, the new gf of his ex was downright apoplectic! However. . .
After we managed to make it through that first evening together, we all recognized how blessed we were that we all not only had found new partners who were wonderful people, but that we were blessed to still have all of us in each others' lives. Now the four of us are fantastic friends and never miss an opportunity to get together when we're in the same town. We've even had them stay with us for a week-long vacation a few years ago!
yes, I do realize what you're saying, I KNOW my feelings should be priority. Thank-you
No. I feel that it's your boyfriend's feelings that should be the priority here. He obviously would prefer to hang out with his ex without you, so why not honor his wishes? So what if they want to talk about old times or mutual friends? You'd only be the third wheel. If you can't trust your boyfriend, then that's a whole other problem you need to discuss with him. But your boyfriend considers this woman an ex, she already has another boyfriend, and there is a child involved. I really see no reason to get upset over not being invited to dinner. Even if you were married to him, I think that you should show that you trust your man to behave himself when you aren't around. And if you can't then you shouldn't be with him.
No. I feel that it's your boyfriend's feelings that should be the priority here. He obviously would prefer to hang out with his ex without you, so why not honor his wishes? So what if they want to talk about old times or mutual friends? You'd only be the third wheel. If you can't trust your boyfriend, then that's a whole other problem you need to discuss with him. But your boyfriend considers this woman an ex, she already has another boyfriend, and there is a child involved. I really see no reason to get upset over not being invited to dinner. Even if you were married to him, I think that you should show that you trust your man to behave himself when you aren't around. And if you can't then you shouldn't be with him.
It's not about trust, it's about respect. Even if maddog1 was perfectly okay from the get-go with him dining with an ex, it's still something a man should not be doing. Not unless there has become a long established relationship between all of them. It's just simply inappropriate.
Once the two women have met, and once it's been clearly established to everyone's satisfaction that everyone understands where the lines are, it might become a matter of trust. But deliberately going behind your girlfriend's back and making plans she's already said make her uncomfortable, does not add up to a man who is trustworthy, and that's what he's done here. He has an opportunity to change that before this occasion happens, but if he doesn't, were he my boyfriend, he'd be history.
One time, because of their upcoming high school reunion, an ex contacted my SO and wanted to get together. I was absolutely INSISTING that he get together, because they had been pretty close. He wouldn't do it, though. And if he had gone, there was no way I was going to go along. I'd feel like a control freak or something, like I was chaperoning them.
Now that I think about it, this might not have been the smartest move on my part. Because of work, he had had to rent out a separate place where he stayed during the week, two hours away...
Of course, I don't know all the details about your relationship, but if there are no glaring suspicions about him (and you shouldn't be with him, if that's the case), that's my opinion on it. Hope everything works out.
She doesn't own her boyfriend. And as long as he isn't planning to romance or sex this ex up that night, there shouldn't be a problem with him having a simple dinner with her. There is no need for maddog1 to turn a perfectly innocent situation into one of drama and potential soap opera. AND... it makes her boyfriend seem potentially p*ssywhipped to me and probably his ex.
And what disrespect is he showing by wanting to spend dinner with his ex without maddog1? If anything, she is disrespecting his feelings and turning a simple dinner with an ex and her son into some power play and tug o' war between the women in his life.
And so far, it seems that the boyfriend and his ex broke up in a mature adult drama-free fashion. Why would maddog1 want to complicate matters by throwing her jealous feelings into the mix? And if she continues to pull this type of crap with her boyfriend, he's not going to want to stay in the relationship, let alone want to eventually marry her. Most guys aren't attracted to controlling b*tches, so maddog1 should just back off from her request and take the same night to go out with her girlfriends.
I feel that it's not disrespecting maddog1 because the ex is his past. Disrespectful behaviour would be him cheating on maddog1 with his ex or other woman.
No. I feel that it's your boyfriend's feelings that should be the priority here. He obviously would prefer to hang out with his ex without you, so why not honor his wishes? So what if they want to talk about old times or mutual friends? You'd only be the third wheel. If you can't trust your boyfriend, then that's a whole other problem you need to discuss with him. But your boyfriend considers this woman an ex, she already has another boyfriend, and there is a child involved. I really see no reason to get upset over not being invited to dinner. Even if you were married to him, I think that you should show that you trust your man to behave himself when you aren't around. And if you can't then you shouldn't be with him.
I can not believe that Miu and I would feel the same about anything but I totally agree! Its about trusting; truly trusting!
She doesn't own her boyfriend. And as long as he isn't planning to romance or sex this ex up that night, there shouldn't be a problem with him having a simple dinner with her. There is no need for maddog1 to turn a perfectly innocent situation into one of drama and potential soap opera. AND... it makes her boyfriend seem potentially p*ssywhipped to me and probably his ex.
And what disrespect is he showing by wanting to spend dinner with his ex without maddog1? If anything, she is disrespecting his feelings and turning a simple dinner with an ex and her son into some power play and tug o' war between the women in his life.
And so far, it seems that the boyfriend and his ex broke up in a mature adult drama-free fashion. Why would maddog1 want to complicate matters by throwing her jealous feelings into the mix? And if she continues to pull this type of crap with her boyfriend, he's not going to want to stay in the relationship, let alone want to eventually marry her. Most guys aren't attracted to controlling b*tches, so maddog1 should just back off from her request and take the same night to go out with her girlfriends.
I feel that it's not disrespecting maddog1 because the ex is his past. Disrespectful behaviour would be him cheating on maddog1 with his ex or other woman.
It is inappropriate for a man in a committed relationship to dine alone with another woman. Period. The only exception is if the women have met and established an equal friendship. This isn't about "owning" people, it's about respecting boundaries.
I couldn't care less if my husband spends time with his former girlfriend. But that's because of how he handled our meeting in the first place, as described above. He would never dream of putting me in a position where I could ever have any doubt in him. In other words, he earned my trust by his behavior. He treated me with respect, and in turn, he has my full faith in him. These two don't appear to have established that yet, as she clearly describes that he took her feelings into consideration, then behind her back, dismissed them in favor of the ex girlfriend's feelings. That's an outrageous breach of trust, IMNSHO.
Last edited by Jill61; 11-27-2009 at 05:43 PM..
Reason: dang homophones
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