How Would You, As a Woman, Feel If You Received This Letter?

[PassTheChocolate]

Originally Posted by rpc1

Thanks again, to everyone who contributed, for the thoughtful responses. Several of them have really hit home and had me thinking about this matter in a completely new light. More importantly, I've been forced by the sheer number of more-or-less unanimous opinions here to really consider my own emotional health, which is a good thing.

Good for you. It's great that you're seeing another side to this that will help you down the road. It's not going to be quick or easy, but if you stick with it, you'll eventually be able to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships.

A couple of things to think about:

For the record: No, I have not EVER been abusive to a girl. I have never been physically aggressive or threatening; in fact, I have never even aggressively yelled at a girl. I've been in my fair share of relationships, too. I just simply do not behave that way with women.

What you did was verbally and emotionally abusive. Bruises go away. Words stick with a person. And there is is no such thing as passive yelling. If you're yelling, it is aggressive.

Also, my insecurity is something that "Megan" and I had discussed. (Megan is not her real name, obviously, but Ryan is mine). I purposely explained to her early on that I was like a "special needs" person in some key senses. I told her that I needed a lot of reassurance and that I probably could not be the confident, self-assured type, but that what I did have to offer was a very real devotion and some really special feelings for her. Specifically, I told her that I'd never before felt for any woman what I did for her, which was true. I also told her that, if she wanted to discontinue the relationship because of these things, I would totally understand.

Being forthcoming about your issues is a good thing, but it is not enough to disclose it and not do something to change it.

For some reason, though, I was having a really hard time trusting her. I'm not going to mention the specifics on here, but I had seen some things in her, and heard some things from her, that seemed like red flags. I also experienced some things with her that made me wonder. It's not that she was overtly suggestive or untrustworthy or anything; on the contrary, there just seemed to be subtle hints that she wasn't as virtuous a person as I had thought when I first met her, and it was enough for me to have considered, at several points along our short, one-month relationship, ending things.

I have found that people with your issues pick apart too much and almost look for reasons to doubt. When they get angry of feel threatened, they'll literally create scenarios in their minds and react to it as if they are actually happening. Sounds like that is what you did. This would be a good discussion for you and your counselor. Just a suggestion.

So yeah, it wasn't all flawless and perfect.

You should probably stay away from making these types of comments. "I'm not perfect." and the above are statements that serve to minimize the severity of what actually happened. There is nothing more offensive for someone like your ex to hear that this was just a matter of being human and making mistakes.

I guess I just felt like it was still totally fixable, despite the initial weirdness. But, after reading these 80-some-odd responses, it sounds like I'm dead wrong. In any case, I deleted her phone number from my phone today, so I don't have it any more. And I definitely am going to move on and forget this whole thing. I'm also seeking some counseling, because I really don't want to go through something so painful again.

I guess all you can do if you're me is learn from this and not do it again.

-Ryan

Again, kudos to you, Ryan. I hope you find all the happiness your pea-pickin' lil' heart can stand.

[CESpeed]

I'm not going through 10 pages of responses but I'll throw in my two cents: I actually read the entire post and letter. My response to you would be I'm glad you are moving on without me. Good luck with your next relationship. Like others have said, it's waaay too much responsibility to "fix" another person. She has enough with her own issues. Get therapy and let the professional "fix" you. Anyone who was as severly abused as you were needs it. Maybe when you can fix you, you'll find what you had with Megan only not screw it up.

[goodgal]

Ryan good for you finally seeing the red flags surrounding her as well. Many people go blindly into relationships seeing red flags but just knowing they can fix it. Sadly this is rarely the case. My mother once told me when I was dating that some of the things that might attract you to someone are the very things that can in the future be the things you dislike. Makes sense!

[gobucks86]

Did she ever respond? Or did I somehow miss that answer somewhere in this thread? lol

I've kept an eye on this thread for any updates. Just wondering, not trying to be nosy.

[Jess5]

Ryan, you will be OK. You're obviously an intelligent person. Most of the guys I've broken up with through the years was because they smothered me, clung to me, and when I would break up with them, they would not leave me alone. They would do the same things you are doing, and that really made me lose any respect or feelings I may have had for them. I know a lot of women are clingy too, but I think more men are. We don't want desperate sounding men. We want men who feel great about themselves because that exudes confidence in everything they do. When you feel confident about yourself, you can take on the world. Go get yourself some confidence Ryan! It may seem so now, but trust me, she's not the only girl out there who can make you feel that way.

I was an abused child also. I certainly haven't abused anyone because of it, nor would I. The inclination is not there at all. It's just the opposite for me. I would never want anyone to go through what I did.

[smartygurl]

If that letter was given to me, I wouldn't even read it. Too long.

[butterfly57]

Wow Ryan...I've actually read through your post, the majority of your letter & the replies you've received. First I thought your letter was beautifully written, but better kept in a diary or journal, not to be given out as intended. I've learned when I'm really emotional or angry and I write a letter getting all those feelings out....afterwards I pause, set the letter down and give it a few days and read it again. Normally, I decide at that point it's not a good idea to send the letter/email and best to keep it in my journal as a reminder of what I've learned from the experience.

You sound like a really intelligent, sensitive & thoughtful guy with a lot of horrible memories that haunt you from your past. I agree that you may want to seek out counseling because of your past traumas. I did think that the repetitive texting, calling, emailing sounded stalkerish. I had gone through an experience like that with my ex-husband but we were together 24 years, not that that was any excuse for him to terrorize me. I also took into consideration that maybe you were just a summer fling for her as another poster presented from a guy's point of view. I think that if she felt the same way as you then she'd have given you a second chance.

I, too, always say that everything happens for a reason, good, bad or indifferent. It's what we learn and take away from the experience that makes us a better person for having gone through it. I often look back at painful things from my past and realize what I've learned and how much stronger I've become for having gone through it. But, remember stronger doesn't mean bitter or mean, you can still be the kind hearted, caring person you are.....just stronger and wiser.