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I think you are old enough now and enough time has passed that there is no point in asking how those situations should have been handled. Your focus now should be on handling the present/future - how to deal with your emotions and how to move on.
You have to learn to accept your mother as is or let her go. If you do not, it will hang over your head and haunt you for the rest of her life, and yours.
If moving away from your mom gives you peace of mind and keeps your sanity, then do what's best for you. Should she ask why, tell her what you know & feel.
Remember this life lesson and if you have kids someday and they report to you of a similar serious situation (let's hope not), remember your mom's reaction and take action, don't leave your kids hanging out to dry like your mom did to you.
I think you are old enough now and enough time has passed that there is no point in asking how those situations should have been handled. Your focus now should be on handling the present/future - how to deal with your emotions and how to move on.
You have to learn to accept your mother as is or let her go. If you do not, it will hang over your head and haunt you for the rest of her life, and yours.
Outside of my immediate family, I have not openly talked about this issue. I was sitting in my room crying recently and just thinking back on all the hurtful things that happened to me in my life and that was just one of them. I'm obviously not over them at all whatsoever. Then I got to thinking about the role my mom played in some of them and I was just wondering how others would've reacted so I asked out of curiosity. My focus IS on the present/future and that is why I am moving once again and this time for good. And I plan on getting counseling as soon as possible.
I do accept my mother and love her with all her flaws. I am not perfect, nobody is. I just wish she would support my decision to move instead of trying to scare and guilt me out of it. She just won't let me go even though I'm far from a child now. I don't want to let her go in the sense that you mean. She is my mother after all. She's made mistakes but not enough for me to write her off for life. I want to try and have a good relationship with her, a civil, loving one but she makes it difficult sometimes.
Thanks for your input.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WFW&P
If moving away from your mom gives you peace of mind and keeps your sanity, then do what's best for you. Should she ask why, tell her what you know & feel.
Remember this life lesson and if you have kids someday and they report to you of a similar serious situation (let's hope not), remember your mom's reaction and take action, don't leave your kids hanging out to dry like your mom did to you.
It absolutely does give me peace of mind and sanity. I know because I have moved away before and now that I'm back, I see the difference and I'm ready to leave again. I've already told her that I'm moving simply because "I'm not happy here." She tells me to follow Jesus and then I'll be happy. That's why I can't really talk to her. The answer to everything is pray and it's just not that simple. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to and she's capable of holding conversations with other people just not with her children.
No doubt that I will remember this and if I have kids one day (I hope it never comes to that) but if it does, heads will roll and someone will land in jail if not in the ground.
Sigh. I did not say you were over what happened or should be over what happened. You have every right to feel the way you do. I am simply saying that living in the past wondering what coulda/shoulda/woulda been done to make things different will only hold you back.
You sound like a fine woman. You've apparently picked up the good qualities from your mother and left behind the bad. Good for you, and I think it's great that you don't condemn her for her shortcomings.
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Originally Posted by simplementmoi
... Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your late wife. I can't even imagine what that was like. I considered myself still innocent at 16. There's a lot that I had not experienced at that point in my life but for that to happen to a 6-8 year old is just absolutely awful. The fact that the mom committed suicide says a lot. If instead of sweeping it under rugs and actually talking about it and going to counseling, things could've turned out differently.
Just to set the record straight, it was my current wife's mother who committed suicide, and her husband started molesting my wife when she was age 2. That's one digit. Two years old! He continued until she was old enough to fight him off, at age 11 or 12. He did the same to my wife's sister. The sister ran away from home at age 16 to get away from him. My wife has no pictures of herself as a child, because she also planned to run away from home at around age 10. She gathered all the photos she could find and burned them so they couldn't put pictures of her on posters, etc.
She's turned out remarkably normal, considering the torment she suffered as a child. She not "over it" even 45 years later, but she's doing well.
You sound like a fine woman. You've apparently picked up the good qualities from your mother and left behind the bad. Good for you, and I think it's great that you don't condemn her for her shortcomings.
Just to set the record straight, it was my current wife's mother who committed suicide, and her husband started molesting my wife when she was age 2. That's one digit. Two years old! He continued until she was old enough to fight him off, at age 11 or 12. He did the same to my wife's sister. The sister ran away from home at age 16 to get away from him. My wife has no pictures of herself as a child, because she also planned to run away from home at around age 10. She gathered all the photos she could find and burned them so they couldn't put pictures of her on posters, etc.
She's turned out remarkably normal, considering the torment she suffered as a child. She not "over it" even 45 years later, but she's doing well.
That is just awful! I don't have any words to describe my feelings as I read about the scum of the earth who hurt your wife as a child. I'm glad she didn't let that define her and is doing well.
Thank you for your kind words. I would not want to be condemned for my shortcomings. I would hope those close to me would bring them to my attention so that I could make an attempt to become a better person.
This has been very emotionally exhausting. I don't talk about these things much and I see why because it takes a lot out of me. I do appreciate all the comments.
You are doing the right thing by talking about it and gradually working it out. It will get less draining and less painful, and less frustrating over time.
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