Why do I keep going back? (dating, how to, kiss, friend)

[sttssjw]

So I will try to keep this as short but detailed as possible. I know someone who used to be my friend who I was extremely close to. Me and this friend have had previous history, meaning he has feelings for me and we have dated a couple of times in the 3 years we've known each other but it never worked out, and I'm the one always cutting them short. Most recently, me and my friend were not necessarily dating but we would kiss and cuddle all the time back in December 2016/January 2017. I called it off because I had recently broken up with someone and I knew it was too soon to be moving on. Well shortly after I called things off, he completely blocked me out of his life because in his words "he was done with me", he was done with me playing with his feelings which I'll admit I deserve.

The other day I thought I would give a quick text to say I was sorry for everything that had happened, because it had been a couple of months since we had spoke and seen each other and I just generally missed him being around and wanted to see if we could be friends again. The reply I got consisted of him telling me he didn't hate me, or despise me, but he was just done with my bullsh*t and he told me he just wanted to move on from me and didn't want to hear what I had to say. I told him okay, I would do what he wanted and I'll leave him alone from now on and not bother him again.

Since then, it's constantly circling in my head.. why do I keep going back to him? And that's why I wanted to write this on here to get some answers and insight to what people thought. Every person I have broken up with or stopped being friends with I've completely dumped and don't bother with them, but why do I keep going back to this "friend" and saying sorry for the way I was instead of just letting them be and moving past it all and forgetting? It's only been a couple of days since we spoke and I told him I would leave him alone, and every minute I sit there with this enormous achey feeling in my chest because I wish he would send me a quick message saying something along the lines of that he was wrong.

A part of me wants to try to prove to him about how sorry I feel but I don't want to make myself look like an idiot, or neither do I know how to because he lives over 2 hours away from me, he would be worth the journey but I wouldn't want to get there and for him to refuse to see me if you get what I mean? A part of me does want to just let him be and try to focus on that he obviously wasn't meant to be in my life but then another part of me really wants him back in my life, I feel stupid saying maybe even the rest of my life. I actually physically can't think of him not being in my life and that's why I'm really struggling to know why I keep going back, when as far as I'm aware, I don't have feelings for him. But to be honest, I'm not even sure if I don't.

It's getting more confusing for me as time goes on, and I just want to know what peoples thoughts are. And just so everyone knows I'm 19 and he's 18 so I guess you can say we could be seen as more immature.

[Hand McLovin]

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else...

[Auraliea]

I think you miss the attention, the affection he gave, and how he fed your ego despite the fact that you don't have any romantic feelings for him.

He was that "crutch" you could lean on, and now you have to stand on your own. I understand why he wanted to cut things off. You need to get out of this habit of stringing people along and work on your self esteem.

[Gretchen963]

Perhaps it's still bugging you, because even though you dumped him, he truly IS done with you and wants you to stay out of his life.

It sounds like you want what you can't have anymore. I'd respect his wishes and leave him alone.

[funymann]

I can see why he's tired of your B.S.

You don't know if you are coming or going.

Good for him!