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My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a teacher here in Georiga. Needless to say, things are very tight with our budget. We don't have cell phones, our cars are paid off, and we never eat out or do anything "entertainment" wise. The budget is cut to the bone. Teachers are being laid off right and left here and our pay has been cut by around 6% this year.
Here's the problem:
Back in September, my husband's father called him and wanted to borrow money. We had also been getting calls from bill collectors looking for him. This man was a dentist for his entire career and he retired 2 years ago. He is remarried and his wife works. Her 30 something year old daughter also lives there and works. Father in law was also getting social security.
So FIL tells my husband that he has had to go back to work and bought a different dental practice. He needs cash to get him through until things pick up. He promises to pay us back in October 2009. He wants $5,000.
My husband says he wants to give his father the money because "I want my dad to have some chance at success". Meanwhile, I'm not feeling good about it because it would come out of our "emergency" fund, which is ALL the money we have to our names. $20,000 is what we have to use if my husband loses his job, and that is what we are using to try and build a nest egg for college, retirement, etc. $5,000 is 24% of our life savings gone. So my husband is upset because I didn't say "Yeah, great! Give your dad the money. No problem!" He said he would be disappointed with me if I didn't agree. He said "if it were your parents, I would loan them the money, no problem!" (I said I would NOT, and in fact, would tell my parents to ask my brother, who is single, makes more than double what we do, and has a lot of money in the bank)
Ok, so I think FIL is putting us in a terrible bind asking for this money. It would be one thing if my husband was single or whatever. But this involves me and our kids. The other thing that bothers me is my husband has 2 sisters. Both make way more than double what we make, have SECURE jobs, etc. (My husband's job could very well be cut this May & even if not, we are facing a 15% pay cut!)
Yet my husband refuses to even talk to his sisters about their father's financial troubles. He said everything has always been "top secret" with his dad since childhood.
Obviously, my husband is very confident that his father will pay the money back. He doesn't understand that we need that money; thinks we have plenty, etc.
So my problem is that issue has caused me to feel very unhappy. My husband basically forced me to agree to "loan" the money. I figured I better just suck it up to try and keep the marriage intact, but the way he handled it makes me angry and I feel like I am not a true partner.
Well, fast forward and here we are in March. Money has not been paid back. Now my FIL won't even return my husband's phone calls. My husband is very upset with his father and says it looks like he doesn't intend to pay us back. (duh...)
I feel that my husband was WRONG to guilt me into loaning the money. I felt like I had no say in the matter, and if I didn't do it, my husband would resent me.
No I don't think you are. It should be a mutual decision. It's your families well being before your FIL's. Why couldn't his second wife give him the money or he get a loan??
I'm not even sure his second wife knows about the financial problems. Also, nobody would give him a loan because he had bill collectors calling us. I'm sure his chances of a loan were nill. But still, he had 2 years to figure this out. If you retire and your ss check is not enough to pay the bills, figure something out! Sell the house and downsize. He has to drive over an hour each way to get to the new office now.
No. I experienced similar with my EX and I felt somewhat resentful also. At least your dh consulted you. Mine told me he was assuming his mothers $10,000 credit card bill and it was a secret from his dad. If his dad found out he might leave her. So I get to pay all our mortgage payments and pick up the slack in his paycheck while she goes on trips and buys stuff. Yeah, it still pees me off. I wish I would have let that little secret slip during holiday dinner.
No way would I even consider putting my wife and children in that kind of predicament just so my dad can get back to his high-on-the-hog standard of living. I'd tell him to stop blowing his money. Whether your husband likes it or not you and your children are the most important members of his family and the ones he has to care for first, before caring for his parents, or yours for that matter.
I noticed that the OP was posted today and yet the payback for this loan was stated as Oct, 2009 which of course was last year. Did you mean to say 2010? To answer your question though I think you're being practical in terms of your financial situation and if it was me I wouldn't do it unless I was completely confident that it would be paid back at a specific time. The feeling I'm getting is that you're not at all confident that you'd get paid back so I think you're right to say no.
What kind of dentist was he that he is broke after retiring? Bill collectors calling and borrowing money from kids to go back to work, doesn't sound like this guy made very wise choices over the years. If he needed money that bad he should have went back to work for someone else until he had his own $5K to start his own practice.
Well you can be sure of one thing, your husband will never pressure you over finances again. If he does, he certainly doesn't have a leg to stand on.
We loaned him the money in Sept. 2009. He was supposed to pay it back in Oct 2009. I had a strong feeling that he would not be able to, based on his prior financial actions and the fact that everything is "top secret". He won't tell my husband what really happened as to why he has no money. He won't ask the other 2 siblings to help.
So my husband was of course just SURE his father would pay us back.
Well, of course, he has not paid one dime. I suggested that we put this in writing but my husband said "that's nuts. this is my fathter!"
So I guess even though I knew he would probably not pay us back, it's hard to deal with now that we really need the money due to severe pay cuts and the real possibility of job loss.
It has also affected our marriage and now of course, my husband's relationship with his father is crushed. (esp since he won't even return my husband's phone calls!) At least my husband agrees that we will NOT loan him any more money. (Duh again!)
I didn't want to ruin our marriage over $5,000 but this has caused a shift in the way I view my husband. I also feel like calling his two sisters and telling them what is up! Why should we shoulder this burden when we are the last ones who can afford it?
My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a teacher here in Georiga. Needless to say, things are very tight with our budget. We don't have cell phones, our cars are paid off, and we never eat out or do anything "entertainment" wise. The budget is cut to the bone. Teachers are being laid off right and left here and our pay has been cut by around 6% this year.
Here's the problem:
Back in September, my husband's father called him and wanted to borrow money. We had also been getting calls from bill collectors looking for him. This man was a dentist for his entire career and he retired 2 years ago. He is remarried and his wife works. Her 30 something year old daughter also lives there and works. Father in law was also getting social security.
So FIL tells my husband that he has had to go back to work and bought a different dental practice. He needs cash to get him through until things pick up. He promises to pay us back in October 2009. He wants $5,000.
My husband says he wants to give his father the money because "I want my dad to have some chance at success". Meanwhile, I'm not feeling good about it because it would come out of our "emergency" fund, which is ALL the money we have to our names. $20,000 is what we have to use if my husband loses his job, and that is what we are using to try and build a nest egg for college, retirement, etc. $5,000 is 24% of our life savings gone. So my husband is upset because I didn't say "Yeah, great! Give your dad the money. No problem!" He said he would be disappointed with me if I didn't agree. He said "if it were your parents, I would loan them the money, no problem!" (I said I would NOT, and in fact, would tell my parents to ask my brother, who is single, makes more than double what we do, and has a lot of money in the bank)
Ok, so I think FIL is putting us in a terrible bind asking for this money. It would be one thing if my husband was single or whatever. But this involves me and our kids. The other thing that bothers me is my husband has 2 sisters. Both make way more than double what we make, have SECURE jobs, etc. (My husband's job could very well be cut this May & even if not, we are facing a 15% pay cut!)
Yet my husband refuses to even talk to his sisters about their father's financial troubles. He said everything has always been "top secret" with his dad since childhood.
Obviously, my husband is very confident that his father will pay the money back. He doesn't understand that we need that money; thinks we have plenty, etc.
So my problem is that issue has caused me to feel very unhappy. My husband basically forced me to agree to "loan" the money. I figured I better just suck it up to try and keep the marriage intact, but the way he handled it makes me angry and I feel like I am not a true partner.
Well, fast forward and here we are in March. Money has not been paid back. Now my FIL won't even return my husband's phone calls. My husband is very upset with his father and says it looks like he doesn't intend to pay us back. (duh...)
I feel that my husband was WRONG to guilt me into loaning the money. I felt like I had no say in the matter, and if I didn't do it, my husband would resent me.
Am I over-reacting???
I don't feel like your over-reacting, but a the same time don't think you should use this as an "I told you so" moment or that you can do anything about it anymore.
Your husband seems to have been pressured by his Dad using the age-old guilt method. He made a costly mistake trusting his Dad, but I would still give him the benefit of the doubt for trying to be "a good son". Some people can't imagine that their own parents would be selfish at their children's expense.
However, your dh hopefully has learned his lesson and this should be chalked up to a lesson learned.
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