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I'm not sure why he's asking for reconciliation if he wants me to leave? I am really wanting some feedback from people who have been through this before. I'd like to hear from people who stayed and those who divorced. Thank you.
The guy sounds like a goof.
Could be he can say, "I tried to make it work." Whatever.
He doesn't give a rat's tushy about you Megan. Whether he woke up and saw how much it hurt you or how much he is going to lose it wasn't for your best interest. I'm sure there is an underlining reason he is saying this. I'm not sure what it is but let him sleep in his own bed of shame.
I know a married guy who drank all the time. Alcoholic as it were. He stayed with his wife and 3 kids. He was a great father and did all the house work and worked a couple different jobs to support the family.
From what I could see the man was drowning his sorrows in alcohol because his wife was a slob and could care less about him. Whether she did it on purpose or not he was miserable. He stayed for the children but over time he cheated. Finally she divorced him.
He has been happily remarried to the same woman for over 25 years now. He doesn't drink and is a faithful man. Very generous to the neighbors in helping with yard work.
Now what do other people say? The ex-wife is mad cause his new wife gets all his good qualities now. (Not to connect the dots that it was her) His daughter...claims he was wrong for cheating and drinking and la dee da. (not to realize he is a different man after leaving her mother)
You have to see what it is that has put you two in this situation.
When I watched "Dancing with the Stars" I saw Kate Goslin on there. She couldn't get along with the dance instructor. I laughed. I thought it was the funniest thing. Why? Her marriage was a flop too. She couldn't get along with him either. What did I hear..."Did you see what he did?" Pff. People react differently to different situations.
The man was celebrating by getting laid after leaving her...is that wrong?
If you weren't doing your part to make the marriage better, then you are just as responsible for his cheating because you were not holding up your end of the marriage. (keyword: your part. he has a part to do as well)
I really hate the whole "blame the victim" mentality in the post, sorry. Yes, it takes two to tango. Yes, she is partly responsible for the marriage tension.
But she is NOT responsible for his cheating. Cheating is never justifiable in a breaking relationship. Understandable, but never justified.
Cheating breaks the most fundamental parts of marriage and that is trust, safety, and monogamy. He just sped the marriage issues into overdrive.
@OP: Break it off, sweetheart, if you feel like you can't handle living with him now that you found out he cheated.
Long story short, I found out my husband cheated on me with another woman last week during a business trip. It was a one night stand and she is also married. I have two small children but I work and make a decent living. I'm really having a hard time with this. I cannot get it out of my head. We already had a bad marriage. He wants me to stay in the marriage and we try to work it out. There are so many issues that make leaving very difficult, house, schools, children, etc. I really want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this and what were your outcomes?
It's a really devastating and confusing thing when it does happen. Sorry it did.
My ex also cheated on me and 14yrs later I am still thinking about it, contemplating if giving him up was the best thing for me and my child.
At the moment you are so devastated, hurt, ashamed, embarrased, humiliated and then hate and anger start kicking in so you throw him to the curb and don't want anything to do with him.......... but is that what is really the right thing to do for yourself, your family (yes, that he destroyed now), your innocent kids that have nothing to do with this?
I regret the day I let him go... till today I am angry at myself for letting him leave and have my daughter suffer because of it...
Think long and hard, do all the pros and cons before you just divorce him and let him go forever. Yes he might keep doing it if you let him get away with it once but what if he doesn't do it ever again and let's say now your entire life will be totally different without him in it.... It's like it can work out for the best for you and your kids or like in my case it can turn into total chaos, remorse, regret and resentment for letting him get away.. He did it won and now me and his daughter are paying for his actions... It sounds horrible yes but you never know what can be.
Think of the future for yourself and your kids before you make one sudden move out of anger.
I would divorce just based on a fear of my health. Someone is going to have to take care of those kids. I would not feel trust for someone who did not care for me, to care for my kids. Emotional now aside, its just not a logical health risk to involve yourself sexually with a cheater. When you have two kids depending on you its even less logical. Preserve yourself and your kids. Kids do better with a healthy divorce than a cheating stormy household full of fights.
Get a health check up now. Force him to as well. Retest in 8 weeks. Then again in 6 months. The only health danger that could hide is herpes and that won't kill you. You just need meds if it makes you ill.
I would also make an appt with a therapist to get your anger out. You don't want it to confuse you, make you doubt your choices or dish it out in a dysfunctional manner on the kids because of building stress.
It's a really devastating and confusing thing when it does happen. Sorry it did.
My ex also cheated on me and 14yrs later I am still thinking about it, contemplating if giving him up was the best thing for me and my child.
At the moment you are so devastated, hurt, ashamed, embarrased, humiliated and then hate and anger start kicking in so you throw him to the curb and don't want anything to do with him.......... but is that what is really the right thing to do for yourself, your family (yes, that he destroyed now), your innocent kids that have nothing to do with this?
I regret the day I let him go... till today I am angry at myself for letting him leave and have my daughter suffer because of it...
Think long and hard, do all the pros and cons before you just divorce him and let him go forever. Yes he might keep doing it if you let him get away with it once but what if he doesn't do it ever again and let's say now your entire life will be totally different without him in it.... It's like it can work out for the best for you and your kids or like in my case it can turn into total chaos, remorse, regret and resentment for letting him get away.. He did it won and now me and his daughter are paying for his actions... It sounds horrible yes but you never know what can be.
Think of the future for yourself and your kids before you make one sudden move out of anger.
Nothing like the voice of experience Great post, I hope Megan is listening.
I really hate the whole "blame the victim" mentality in the post, sorry. Yes, it takes two to tango. Yes, she is partly responsible for the marriage tension.
But she is NOT responsible for his cheating. Cheating is never justifiable in a breaking relationship. Understandable, but never justified.
Cheating breaks the most fundamental parts of marriage and that is trust, safety, and monogamy. He just sped the marriage issues into overdrive.
@OP: Break it off, sweetheart, if you feel like you can't handle living with him now that you found out he cheated.
Honestly, I haven't seen one single post where anyone is "blaming the victim". I think everyone here is being very supportive of our OP. And certainly no one has said she is "responsible" for his cheating
I would divorce just based on a fear of my health. Someone is going to have to take care of those kids. I would not feel trust for someone who did not care for me, to care for my kids. Emotional now aside, its just not a logical health risk to involve yourself sexually with a cheater. When you have two kids depending on you its even less logical. Preserve yourself and your kids. Kids do better with a healthy divorce than a cheating stormy household full of fights.
Get a health check up now. Force him to as well. Retest in 8 weeks. Then again in 6 months. The only health danger that could hide is herpes and that won't kill you. You just need meds if it makes you ill.
I would also make an appt with a therapist to get your anger out. You don't want it to confuse you, make you doubt your choices or dish it out in a dysfunctional manner on the kids because of building stress.
OK, what would you say about this true situation:
The marriage is what I'd call average. They aren't happy, they aren't miserable, they are coasting along. You know, coasting along in the typical manner so many marriages do. His salary keeps the family of five financially secure though they aren't getting rich. She works, but does not make that much money because she sat out of the workforce for during the children's younger years. She earns about 1/3 his salary.
He has a one night stand and gets caught.
Get a divorce?
Well the woman in question did indeed take her kids and divorced... and is living in poverty now. $600.00 a month in child support doesn't go far in the north east part of the country. This isn't an uncommon scenario.
(I know of another case in which the man became so angry during the divorce proceedings - maybe he's a jerk or maybe she drove his to it, I don't know - he quit his job and moved in to his mother's basement to avoid paying anything. That's a extreme case of course!)
The marriage is what I'd call average. They aren't happy, they aren't miserable, they are coasting along. You know, coasting along in the typical manner so many marriages do. His salary keeps the family of five financially secure though they aren't getting rich. She works, but does not make that much money because she sat out of the workforce for during the children's younger years. She earns about 1/3 his salary.
He has a one night stand and gets caught.
Get a divorce?
Well the woman in question did indeed take her kids and divorced... and is living in poverty now. $600.00 a month in child support doesn't go far in the north east part of the country. This isn't an uncommon scenario.
(I know of another case in which the man became so angry during the divorce proceedings - maybe he's a jerk or maybe she drove his to it, I don't know - he quit his job and moved in to his mother's basement to avoid paying anything. That's a extreme case of course!)
It's a fact - divorce puts most women at more financial risk and lowers their standard of living (in general, not amongst the rich and famous of course).
The marriage is what I'd call average. They aren't happy, they aren't miserable, they are coasting along. You know, coasting along in the typical manner so many marriages do. His salary keeps the family of five financially secure though they aren't getting rich. She works, but does not make that much money because she sat out of the workforce for during the children's younger years. She earns about 1/3 his salary.
He has a one night stand and gets caught.
Get a divorce?
Well the woman in question did indeed take her kids and divorced... and is living in poverty now. $600.00 a month in child support doesn't go far in the north east part of the country. This isn't an uncommon scenario.
(I know of another case in which the man became so angry during the divorce proceedings - maybe he's a jerk or maybe she drove his to it, I don't know - he quit his job and moved in to his mother's basement to avoid paying anything. That's a extreme case of course!)
Well first of all if things felt coasting along I would think he is probably going to get bored and look for fulfillment. Some do it with cheating. So I would probably suggest old hobbies or new ones. Plus interject some change in my life because I probably would be bored too if I was coasting. If the person still cheated....divorce with a good lawyer to include child and spouse support. I would also look into improving my earning power.
I think emotional poverty is far more negative than monetary poverty. I would not be thinking about money. I would be thinking about the kids I was setting an example for. I would not want to teach a boy that is was ok to cheat with my actions. Or teach a girl to put up with it. I made my first mistake by not being financially independent. I do not want to show them layering mistakes is how you change things. Sometimes healthy changes can be painful at first. But I do think they are good for the long run. I would want to be the living example of self respect, efficiency, high moral values and independence for my kids.
Exactly. it's a struggle, but you can always get by financially.
there might be a new job around the corner, you can learn new skills etc, to gain employment.
In short, you can do something about it.
If you're in emotional poverty, your options, and prospects are more limited.
I'd rather be poor and happy
Quote:
Originally Posted by pitt_transplant
I think emotional poverty is far more negative than monetary poverty. I would not be thinking about money.
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till today I am angry at myself for letting him leave and have my daughter suffer because of it... 
It sounds horrible yes but you never know what can be.
Great post, I hope Megan is listening.
