TO move or Not? (long story ) (married, women, love, single)

[wdwmom2]

Ok , I need some advice Here goes my story(warning long....)

My mother owns a duplex, we have lived here since I started college, she has lived other places but eventually made it back here on the other half with my brother (b/c even though he has a great job succussful, he is incapable.. money problems, cant cook clean etc) so she lives in one side with him, we live in the other side(me my husband and my two kids) about 2 years ago we said we couldnt live here anymore it was too small for all of us and we started looking for a place to move.

My mother said dont move i'll refinince the house, get some money for your brother to pay off soem bills, some more for the roof to be redone and some for them to add the other room on. as long as you stay for 2 years because in 2 years your brother can retire without penalty we can sell the house and split the profit .

Fast Forward 2 years: so in Jan (2 years later) we start trying to figure out where we want to move. we picked a certain state/city. we told my mother. she said ok we'd start getting the house ready to sell. she wanted to move to teh same area with my brother so we can all be close. so we started getting the house ready my hubby did lots of work etc.

SO we took a trip to the new city with my husband , kids and my mother. we all loved it and sai dyes we are moving there. we got back and put the house on the market. now when we first did this, we had thought we were still under the agreement that we'd all split the money. come to find out she said my brother now needs 100,000. of it and were going to get alot less (liek 30,000) we didnt argue she has a new memory first she thinks we agree to stay here until the either the mortgage is paid off (15 years) or until the house is sold . b/c she says the payment we pay is 600.00 a month for our side, and we have to stay until she has sold it or it's paid off.

Now I got a great teaching job in our new city. my husband is on the way to getting a job. and we'd have to move in august. Now my mom knows were going out there tommorow and she is very upset , she doesnt understand why we'd go out there if the house hasnt sold yet. and that we HAVE to stay here until it selsl b/c her and my brother can not afforrd our 600.00 a month (even thought they make more moeny then us combined, my brothers addicted to ebay).

Now i'm a MESS! I feel we need to go this is our opportunity to go. and being a teacher i really will have a hard time to move if our house sells in like october/november etc. then if i just move over the summer. But my mothers guilt is killing me. i am not the least bit excited! my family is all excited but i'm consumed with guilt. i feel guilty about moving and leaving her behind, i feel guilty about the 600.00 . i go through some days wehre i'm excited, other days i'm depressed and worried.

now one last asside note. i think the guilt is b/c my mom was a single my mom and my dad passed away when i was young. she did her best. even though me and her do not always get along she has helped us more then anyone on this earth and has done so much for our childrenand for us. that i feel so guilty for doing this, even though it'll benefit our family. The only way i feel like i wouldnt be guilty is if our house sells.

Now our house still could sell, but its a bad market. and its been on the makret about 50 days. we just lowered our price and are trying to sell fast. i just cant get over this anxious feeling and i go between a bit of excitement and then fear/guilt.

Any advice???

[DCNative]

I don't know how much I can be of help here, but one of my high school teachers gave us students her parting advice upon our graduation:

"Don't let your parents hold you down in one place, just go where you want to go and do what you want to do" - or something to that effect.

[leavingcali]

Have you talked to her about your feelings? IMO, the immediate family (that is the family you and your husband have created) come first, meaning you are obligated to do what's best and right for that family first, then the rest of your family. It doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong to me, unless you lead her to believe that you would be staying until the house sold. Additionally, her selective memory (somehow forgetting that you were supposed to get half of the profit from the duplex sale) is disconcerting. Perhaps you should remind her of this, and instead of saying you want her to honor that, just let her know that it hurt your feelings, yet you understand, and although you are very sorry if you have mislead her or hurt her feelings by moving sooner, this is the best thing for your family. Also, if you think it is fair, and I am not sure that it is (I would need more info.), and if it is financially possible for you, offer to pay the $600.00 (or half of it, or whatever you can afford) for the next 3 months. Also, if the duplex keeps sitting on the market, she might have to consider renting out the other half of the duplex in the meantime.

Also, maybe it isn't the best idea to live so close to your mother. I find living that close to family can have more drawbacks than benefits, such as sometimes the relative are TOO INVOLVED in your life. Establishing boundaries is much more difficult that way. Being in the same town might be okay, but right next door can cause a lot of headaches.

Maybe you should write her a letter.Tell yourself that once you are finished with the letter you are finished with the guilt, and now you are moving on emotionally and are going to look forward to your move and this new beginning. Whether or not you give her the letter is up to you, and is a decision you can make after you have written it. Personally, I write a lot of these letters and rarely give them to the person the letter is to because I get the closure, clarity, and relief I need just by getting it out on paper--usually their response to it isn't important by the time I am done.

Best of luck!

[wdwmom2]

we did have a convrsation the other day. where she kept asking how could i just decide to up an move without our house being sold etc. (even though at this point we hadn't decided if we'd be moving or yet) and i kept telling her we dont even know if we are and she was flipping out. She was saying how could you do this, i said why dont you rent it out, she said she cant b/c it needs two repairs which we didnt have the money to do upfriont and are giving money back at closing for. and therefore if she rented it she'd have to fix it up first.

I am not sure about the selective memory she seems to be selective about many things. I do know that she is a bit maniuplitve and especially toward me and i fall for it.

I've been praying that i find clarity. 99.9 percent of the people who are our friends/family suport us on this. The .1 percent is her and my brother. I'm not sure we'll be able to contunie to pay if we move out. she will have a bit of a notice. were not m oving until august.

[leavingcali]

A mother's guilt is a powerful thing, but I think you should do what's right for you, which sounds like making the move--you love the new city and you already found a teaching job there. When doors fly open like this, I usually think that it is a sign to go that way, take that road.

Perhaps you should give her the notice, not take any of her manipulation (suddenly become very busy and out of the house often) and try to do your best to emotionally move on. Also, I think you mentioned in your original post that your husband has done a lot of work on the duplex for free, so perhaps he can make the two repairs you mentioned, and/or you can remind her of this when you do move; he did work she would have had to pay someone else to do---tenants are not responsible for repairs (unless of course they caused the damage).

Another idea--perhaps agree to get your side ready for a possible rental once you leave?

[jhlcomp]

wdwmom2 - oh, what power our Mom's have over us. At 34, my husband told me that my mother was manipulative which I flatly denied. How could this women, my best friend, my Mom, be manipulative? Not possible. It took her death, time and lots of therapy for me to come to grips that yes, my mother, who didn't have a bad bone in her body, maniuplated me BIG Time. And, my dear, so is yours.

You and your family deserve to have your own lives and dreams. You need to make your own future and be strong. If your mother wants to move nearby that is fine, just don't let history repeat itself. Good luck to you.

[yellowsnow]

You deserve your own life and your own future. You are responsible for your own family. It's not your fault your brother chooses to be incapable of managing his own affairs or that your mom chooses to enable him. Chooses is the most important word here.

Now is when you have to choose to have your own life or buy into what they wish. What's best you you and your family? And JMHO but relatives are best when viewed from a distance.

[Sundance]

My goodness, you're married with a husband and family! Cut the cord.

Your family is your husband & kids, your Mother is using you. She wouldn't have to worry about money if she didn't indulge your brother. Tell brother dear to curb the eBay spending and they'll be fine.

Stop being controlled, you have a family - do what's best for you and your kids!!!

[Marlow]

"Even thought they make more moeny then us combined, my brothers addicted to ebay."

I think that says it all right there. Your brother, who apparently is an adult with a good job, nearing retirement age, appears to be messing this situation up for everyone. Can you talk to him about it at all? Why does he get to be completely selfish while you--with a family--are expected to make everything right for your mom?

You have a job and you and your family want to move. You let your mom know that 2 years ago and then stayed on to help her out even though you wanted to go. You've done enough.

She's been good to you and you've been good to her. It's not unreasonable for you to go now, especially after giving her notice about your intentions. She'll either figure out a way to rent the place or cut your brother off of eBay.