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Ok, we have a couple of other threads rolling to "lighten" things up a bit around here....Here's another one for you!
I know you ALL have some NICE CLEAN jokes you can share with the rest of us...These can be Christian jokes (as long as they are NOT offensive...to ANYONE), Atheist jokes (also, nothing that will offend) or whatever...I don't mind if the jokes have a LITTLE bit of well, umm..."worldly" nature to them, but please, nothing crude or totally inappropriate
~~We could ALL use a good laugh~~
I will post one of my jokes in a reply rather than the OP
This has to be one of my all time favorite jokes! This joke has stuck with me for more than 20 years...I think it is because I was kind of young and a VERY VERY devout Christian (Baptist at that ) told it to me and my chin hit the floor. I just couldn't believe that she would tella joke like that
Here it goes:
There was this man, he was married and he had a mistress. Well, he was feeling guilty about having the mistress. So one day, he went to her and told her "Look, I just can't keep doing this to my wife. This is wrong and I can't keep living like this. We need to end this right here and now!"
She said, "But what am I supposed to do? I'm pregnant!"
He said "Here's some money, this should help you out until the baby arrives. When you have the baby, send me a telegram and let me know."
She said "Ok, but how on earth am I supposed to send you a telegram? Your wife will find out!?"
He said "Well, just send the telegram with one word on it." He thought for a minute then said "Just put the word 'Sauerkraut' on the telegram. I will know what it means, and my wife will be clueless!"
She agreed and went on her way.
A few months later...
The husband comes home from work one day. His wife asked him how his day was. He said "My day was just fine, how about yours?"
She said "My day was fine too, however, we got the STRANGEST telegram".
He said "Strange? What do you mean...Strange?!"
Are you ready?
Yes...STRANGE...
The telegram said
Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut...two with weenies and one without!
A ha ha ha ha!!! lol....thanks Kawg! Between you and Doll Lady, this day is starting out pretty darn good! When I wake up and think of a joke, I'll be back. What a phenomenal idea!
Two travelling salesmen, Dave and John, were stranded when their car broke down. They saw a light in the distance and trudged across the field to ask if the owner could offer some refuge for the night. The door was opened by a very attractive woman of about 30 years old. The two guy explained their problem and asked if they could stay the night. The lady agreed but told them that she was a rather wealthy lady who was well respected in the neighbourhood and as she had just recently become widowed, it wouldn't do for people to see that she had two men staying at the house...but they could sleep in the barn. The men agreed and bedded down in the hay. The following morning the lady cooked them a large breakfast and they went on their way.
About 6 months later the two guys were driving along when Dave said:
"John! You remember that time our car broke down and we stayed the night at that lady's barn"?
John: "Yes, I remember".
Dave: "Tell me truthfully. Did you get up in the night and go into the house"?
John: "Well.....yes I did actually".
Dave: "...and did you have sex with that lady"?
John: "Ummm! Yes I did".
Dave: "...and did you give her my name and address and say it was yours"?
John: (sheepishly) "Yes...yes. I'm afraid I did".
Dave: "Why did you do such a thing John"?
John: (very embarrassed) " I'm so sorry Dave! It was so mean of me but I thought that if things went wrong like...she got pregnant or something, she wouldn't find me. Please forgive me Dave, it was real bad of me"!!
Dave: "Hey old buddy! It's not a problem...relax!! I don't mind what you did".
John: "Thanks bud, you're a real pal but...........why did you ask after all this time"?
Dave: "Well, last week she died.................and left me a fortune"!!
A Message to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does like).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately.
At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called CRISPS. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with salt and vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies .
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure??
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
It has been scientifically proved that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more then 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of ****!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine,(or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
So, it is better to drink wine and talk crap than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as public service.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.
Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print it", it was all there. "How did he do it." Satan asked? God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. "Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
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) told it to me and my chin hit the floor. I just couldn't believe that she would tella joke like that 
This might be more stupid than funny. In the book of Acts the disciples drove a Honda What? Yea, they were "all in one accord." 