Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sure, people come to 'remember' and to 'celebrate' the life of the one who passed.
I've been to three funerals in my short life (24yrs old).
I went to my grandfathers funeral (fathers side) when I was 5.
I went to a family friends' funeral when I was around 17.
And today I went to my grandmothers funeral (fathers side) at 24.
I barely remember my grandfathers funeral. It was open casket, and I guess at the time I didn't really understand what was going on. I remember asking my mom multiple times to go and look at grandpa in the casket. I guess I was awed that there laid my grandfather, and I really didn't know what it was all about. I remember my dad, grandmother, mother, and sister sitting up near the casket on a couch, as I sat with my aunt and grannie on the other side of the 'aisle'. I don't remember my dad, or how he looked or even felt at the time. I also remember balling my eyes out at one point... Not because I knew what was happening, but because I didn't understand why grandpa was just laying there.
The close family friend who passed away was a shock to us all. She was one of my mom's good friends. I was sad, because I would see this lady at my sisters soccer games (her daughter and my sister were very close), and she always included me when we all got together. During the funeral service, I was near the back so I couldn't really get a good glimpse at her (she was also an open casket). At 17, I KNEW what was going on and I was sad about what happened, but it definitely hit my mother and sister the hardest. I didn't go up and see the body at the end of the service, and I also didn't shed a tear.
Today was my grandmothers funeral. She passed away last Friday unexpectedly (r/t an abdominal aortic aneurysm). It was a shock. Today, we arrived around 11AM to the same funeral home where my grandfather's reception was held when I was 5. In the 'showing room' I guess you can call it, there were the two aisles with that couch near the casket. My father, mother, sister, and aunt were the first to arrive and the receptionist/undertaker invited us to take time to walk around and see the body, casket, etc. We all walked up there outside of my sister, and there laid my grandmother. I was... almost blank. Two weeks ago she was around, and now here she was laying there. And I just looked at her not really thinking at all. I didn't say anything, or think anything inside, or even say a prayer. I just looked at my lifeless grandmother without feeling. My dad had to use the bathroom right after that, (and I'm sure he had to go), but I also think he needed a moment by himself... privately.
And that's when I realized that I've never ever really seen my dad hurt, down, or cry. I'm sure he did the same thing for my grandfather when I was 5, but I didn't understand it or see it then. But today, I saw it.... and I think that feeling with the feelings for my deceased grandmother is just toying with my emotions.
More people came, some I knew and many I didn't and they did the whole go up to the casket, then come to you with their blessings/sympathies.
At that point, it just got annoying to me. "She looks so good" "She's beautiful" they said. I was thinking c'mon?!?? REALLY? She's dead. She's not pretty. She doesn't look good. She doesn't even LOOK like my grandmother. Why do people say that? I just don't see how she 'looks' at peace. To me it's creepy and eerie.
And then when the minister started to do his thing, I wasn't paying attention. I was sitting next to my sister behind my father, mother, auntie (who were on the couch)... and I was just having replays to when I was five. But this time, I KNEW what was going on. I would intermittently look at the casket, but I was more focused on my father. Like I said before, I've never seen him cry. And he wasn't crying... but he was wiping tears at times and that is just what guts me.
And then when that was over, we all got to look at her one more time before leaving. I remember being up there all alone, looking at her. Again, I was blank. I didn't say anything, feel her, kiss her, pray, or think. I looked and moved away. Then when my dad went up there, I was watching him and it killed me because I knew how awful and sad he was feeling inside, but how strong he was holding it in. I just wished he could show it and express it.... I mean, this is his mom. Think about it right now if she's still around or gone... it's your mom. You only get one.
But he didn't, and he viewed her one last time and also moved away. At this time, I just realized... I didn't shed a single tear for my grandma.
I don't even know WHY I am writing this or where I am going with this all, but funerals are very traumatizing - especially when you know what is going on. To top it off, going to the grave yard and going through that felt weird. It was very cold and windy, and I think we all wanted to just be done with this...and we were. The minister said another prayer, and we sat there receiving condolences, etc. And that was it.... we drove away.
And now, around 8:00pm, this is ALL hitting me. I feel like I was focused more on the overall aspect of the dynamics of the funeral and my family that I never even said good bye to my grandma. All I keep thinking about is that casket and how she laid there not looking like her. And then I keep thinking of how I drove away... 'leaving' her there ALONE with the undertakers at the grave yard... like that was it. That's that.
I just bawled my eyes out in the shower before I came to type this, and I just needed to vent. I'm not looking for condolences or prayers or really anything. I just needed to get this out because this is what I am thinking and feeling right now.
I see death all the time with my job. People code - get saved sometimes, but don't make it a lot of time. I know what death is.
I just think after today, I hate to even think of having to go through this for my parents down the line in the far future.
Please accept my condolences for the loss of your grandmother.
Your post could have largely been written by me, 40-some years ago.
I come from a large family. My paternal grandfather died on Christmas Eve in 1967. I was 16. Three days later, I helped carry his casket to a frozen hole in the ground. It was the first of about 20 times I was honoured to be asked to act as a pallbearer.
Some of those times were more painful than others. Friends and some relatives died before their time. At least before the time those left behind were prepared for. All had great import for many people.
22 years ago, my best friend died suddenly, at 40. It was the last time I acted as pallbearer. I have let it be known since that my casket-escorting days are done.
Funerals are important. They help us come to terms with the loss of loved ones and they help remind us to appreciate life here and now.
One's mortality can be difficult for some to accept. Funerals remind us there's no avoiding the day when we're the one in the box or urn. But understanding and accepting that fact is an important step in learning how to truly live.
I hope you gave your father a hug. If not, I hope you do next time you see him.
We all deals with grief in our own ways and perhaps your father felt he needed to be the pillar of strength. From what you shared, he obviously did not take her death lightly.
Funerals are there for the bereaving to deal with the passing of a loved one or friend, the dead know nothing.
My one uncle that died willed that there be no funeral and was sent off to the crematorium. My cousins felt betrayed in that they were denied this opportunity of closure. They eventually had a get together in the house he grew up in with other cousins in attendance.
I am not in favour of open casket or even viewing of the body. Folk should be remembered for what they were when they were alive.
I think the Jews and Muslims have the right idea to plant the body asap instead of making it a long protracted event.
My funeral will be the same as my uncle's except that I leave it to my kids to decide if there will be a memorial service or not. When my late wife passed, we went for a semi religious memorial to appease her side of the family and we had 4 video montages set to the music she liked. This showed her life with me in it and some of the pics from her childhood and how our kids came on the scene and so on. The feed back we got is that this was the most moving funeral anyone had attended. There was no casket and only a large print photo of her.
I'm glad you had a place to get your feelings out...here.
I'm also glad you finally cried. I cried a year after my Grandma died....
It just hit me with her blanket on my lap on a cold Colorado night.
She was such a sweet lady.
You only lose your mom once...your poor Dad.
My condolences.
I've been to a few myself...hate them, and know I'd never want one for myself. I especially can't stand listening to a minister talk about the dead one like they knew them, when they've never seen them before. To me they are just a big grab for money, and exploitation of people who are grieving...sorry you lost your Grandmother.
You may wish to Google the term Thanatology to learn more about the increasing body of knowledge concerning grief and loss.
From what I know of the study of grief and loss and can confirm from my own experiences (I have buried many people -- my parents, oldest brother, 2nd wife, close friend and his wife) I can tell you that not crying at a funeral isn't at all unusual. The first stage of grief is numbness and shock. Your subsequent breakdown in the shower is the first of many times when you subconscious will spoon-feed your new reality to you in doses you can handle. It creates an effect like a spiral, or like waves ... the grief comes and goes.
Intensity of grief is basically a function of how much a part of your life the deceased was, and how often, and how dependent you were upon them emotionally. An example of dependence would be a minor child losing a parent; an example of frequency of intimacy would be a spouse. Grandparents and more distant relatives are less of a loss, all things being equal (which they frequently aren't).
The other lesson that comes from observing and studying grief and loss is that there is no one "right" or "appropriate" way to feel or express grief. Be patient with, and kind to yourself ... let grief have its way with you. It gets better.
Children should be introduced to death as soon as possible, I am of the belief hiding death from children will do them more harm in the long run than having them go to Whomever's at an early age.
My family knows I do NOT want any funeral, donate any viable organs and burn what is left, I believe it is chronologically the second biggest waste of money a person will make in their life, a big wedding is first.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
