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Let me preface this by stating that I am an only child and this has been as difficult. I apologize in advance for being this wordy.
My elderly father owns his own condominium about 250 miles away from me and used to live alone. He has had the occasional "friend" live with him, but he usually gets tired of the one-sided nature of the relationship and they have moved out without incident. My father has a big heart and it has gotten him in trouble before - he seems an easy mark for those who have taken advantage of him.
About two years ago, my father let a friend who was living in hotels and down on his luck move in. There wasn't any need to collect from this friend for rent as my dad owns his condo free and clear, and it was to be until he got on his feet. After a year, the friend (call him Bob) started working and would give my dad a couple hundred dollars when he had it for "rent." Bob doesn't pay for electricity, or cable, or phone (has a cell) or really for food. When Bob buys food, it is what Bob likes. I didn't see much harm in this as he was company for my dad.
In late summer of 2013, my dad started to become run down. He had a little blood in his urine and some pain. I didn't know about this at the time. Bob recommended he go to the VA as they are both veterans. When I found out that my dad was getting ill, I visited and tried to keep tabs on his health. He assured me that he was just getting older, and slowing down. I didn't really have an idea of the scope of his illness until I talked to him in December 2013 and I drove down to see him and he was in such poor shape, I took him to the emergency room.
Since then, I have directed his care - including finding the best doctors and best surgical facilities - as he was diagnosed with cancer. The best doctors have been closer to where I live and at first, he would drive down for appointments, that became a couple of plane trips - that became me driving to pick him up and take him back home - a round trip of 500 miles. I don't care - this is my dad.
During this time, Bob has been a help. He says he is Dad's friend and wants to do what he can. He has been curt with me, but I had no reason to think anything was too odd,. I haven't always been buddy buddy with my dad's friends, so no red flags. Early 2014, my Dad had major surgery. Bob's help has been great. I know for a fact that my Dad stopped asking for rent as he has become bed-ridden. He has taken time off on occasion from work to help out - but nothing too strenuous. Then the cacner returned - bad - stage 4.
I have made every appointment and been there for every doctor appointment. My husband as well. He has been my rock. He has researched the cancer - and helped me with prescriptions - talked to doctors about pain meds (there is a new law where you cannot get a pain med refilled - so you have to keep in touch with doctors to get new scripts. My husband has overnighted hard copy prescriptions to my Dad.
Fast forward to a week or so ago. We were told by an oncologist where I live that Dad needs to begin chemotherapy. Dad wants to be home for it. My husband found the best oncologist near my dad and the best facility for chemotherapy.
The new oncologist tried to push out my dad's first appointment until January 2015 - my husband did not accept this and was on the phone until we could get an appointment sooner. They gave us an appointment Christmas Eve. Okay, my husband and I (we also have kids - 16 and 13) would drive down and take him.
My dad was informed of the new date and all was as well as could be. Until a few days before when I called for my dad and Bob answered. Not out of the ordinary as my dad is in a great deal of pain and is often out of it. Bob announced to me that he was going to the local oncologist appointment as he was my dad's "Primary Care Giver."
I was flabbergasted. I didn't make a big thing about it figuring I would talk to my dad when I got there the day before. My husband and I got there - Bob wasn't around - and we talked about having so many people at the appointment. He said he thought it was a bit odd as well he said. A "convention" he called it.
My husband and I stayed that night (Christmas Eve Eve) in a hotel. My husband called to check up on my dad and Bob answered. My dad was asleep and my husband informed Bob that we wouldn't need to have him there at the appointment as the family had it handled. He was short with my husband - said OK and hung up.
The next morning, my dad told us that Bob should go and my husband should stay. Again I was flabbergasted. My husband asked if he was kidding and it got to be a standoff - all the while Bob stood off to the corner and said not one thing. We needed to go as we would be late to the doctor, so my husband (the one who found the doctor - the one who got the 2014 appointment) told everyone he wasn't going to fight about it and Bob went with me and my dad.
It was a cool ride in the car. My dad tried to explain himself - but I told him it was a conversation best left to another time (without Bob around - getting harder to do lately) My dad said he didn't want to lose me (his daughter!) but he also didn't want to lose Bob as a friend.
I had already discussed the following with my husband. I want to move in with my dad while he is treated. I will stay until he gets better or passes. But my dad maybe has a few months left (Now I understand why my dad told me that maybe Bob could stay on at the condo after he passed - and if we wanted to use the condo, we could always call Bob) Can you imagine?
The condo is a pig sty - Bob has his bathroom looking like it hasn't seen a brush in ten years. I believe it is a hazard. There is an inch thick of dust everywhere.
Am I crazy? I think this guy is trying to brainwash my father. Bob has no assets - my dad does. I don't trust him. He works - but I think under the table.
I will now get to the reason I have come to this forum - and again I am sorry about the long story.
I plan on arriving for my dad's chemo appointment next week with my suitcase. I am moving in and cleaning up. I will be there 24-7. But I will need a room. It is a 2 bedroom unit and I am a woman and need my privacy. Bob is NOT my dad's Primary Care Giver. I am.
What are my options? I felt it prudent NOT to tell Bob of my intentions. Bob leaves for work during the day.
I want Bob out - I shudder to think of what info he may have got from mail, etc (bank records - accounts - credit cards) He is being too aggressive and trying to wedge himself between me and my dad.
What are my options? There is nothing signed - he doesn't pay rent - he works under the table. I am willing to let him have a reasonable amount of time to move - but I am not going anywhere.
I am not giving Bob the time to plan for this - but I need to know what I can do to stop him.
Thank you to anyone who read through this. I apologize for the long post - but it is my dad and I am emotional.
Before you do anything I suggest you seek legal counsel. Bob may not pay rent but he does have legal standing as a tenant and, frankly, unless you have Power of Attorney over your father's affairs, you have no legal right to tell him to leave.
The whole emotional side is something else and for another forum. However, it doesn't sound as though Bob has done anything to harm your father and whatever suspicions you have are only suspicions. How does your father feel about your plans to move in and oust Bob? To be blunt, it seems very callous to disrupt your father's life at this stage of the game when it seems his days are numbered. If having Bob around makes him a little happier then leave him be. If you're concerned about the cleanliness of the place, hire a cleaning person to come in.
On the contrary - he has complained about Bob - and I have power of attorney over his medical affairs. This is just my dad once again, getting into a spot he doesn't know how to get out of. This has happened over the years numerous times with women who have taken him for thousands.
I am sure (I have known my dad for almost 50 years) that given the choice, my care is preferable to "Bob's"
As you clarified, your Power of Attorney over your father are for his medical affairs. If it's your father's wish that you move in and Bob leave then of course those wishes should be accommodated. You didn't mention that previously and in fact it seemed to the contrary. You should nonetheless seek legal counsel where Bob's rights as a tenant are concerned as there are legal steps to follow. Good luck - it's a difficult situation but the mental and physical comfort of your father come first.
You will have to have an attorney help you. You will have to give him a 30-60 day notice to leave depending on the state laws. Then you have to wait. If he is not gone then you file for en eviction. An eviction is a process through the court system. In some states it can take months, some states it only takes weeks. One false move or a t not crossed and he can stay longer. You will be on the couch until he is out.
You will have to have an attorney help you. You will have to give him a 30-60 day notice to leave depending on the state laws. Then you have to wait. If he is not gone then you file for en eviction. An eviction is a process through the court system. In some states it can take months, some states it only takes weeks. One false move or a t not crossed and he can stay longer. You will be on the couch until he is out.
OP can not give a notice to vacate or file for eviction. Only the father can do this.
OP can not give a notice to vacate or file for eviction. Only the father can do this.
This is true. And even if the OP didn't know this the attorney would tell her and her father. If her father agrees I would just draw up a general power of attorney now.
I would suggest that you take father to an attorney and draw up a power of attorney and update his will, if father is willing. And maybe ask his friend if you can put him up in a motel, at your expense, so you can take care of your father and keep the house ultra clean while he is on chemo. Assuming your father wants you living there, and you are willing and able to stick it out to the end, and not leave father to fend for himself in a month or two when the newness wears off. Hospice type care can be very hard. Your father may not want to be alone, and knows you have a life a few hours away, with a husband and kids.
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for 'Bob".
In many ways he has been the primary caregiver. He's been the hands-on one and appears to be quite attached to your dad.
You even said he's been very helpful
Now he's being thrown out like an old shoe.
Only your dad and Bob know whether or not this has been nothing more than a financial quid pro quo and if it has only been that, then proceed as suggested.
But if it's been out of genuine care and concern, I don't think I could be all that dismissive and harsh with the man.
Since you say your dad even mentioned letting him stay if and when he dies, that sounds like he is more grateful than you and isn't just tired of him as he has been with others in the past.
Surely, there must be a kinder resolution and discussing it with him would be a start, which you say you aren't doing.
He may be nicer than you are and agree to leave.
It sounds as though your father is at that stage where most likely a conservator needs to be appointed. Again, you must seek legal counsel.
Call the local (to your father) county Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service for an attorney versed in elder law and real estate.
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