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I have been in the same relationship for 25 years, waiting for him to decide if he wants to marry me. Actually, I am probably better off not married to him anyway, because my life is peaceful and I have free time for my hobbies. But it isn't great for my ego to know he can't decide if I'm good enough for him! I kept hanging on because I believe in true love, whatever that is, and also I feel sorry for him because he is not healthy.
However, recently I have been wondering if I should give up. Even though we have many interests in common, he won't go with me to any of the things I'm involved in. I always go alone, so it's like I'm single, except without the advantage of being free to go on dates. I have not been interested in any of the single men I met so far, so it doesn't matter, at least not yet.
Of course people are always saying that you can't possibly find a relationship if you are over 50, or 40, or whatever. Just the other day a "friend" told me it is not possible.
If I wind up single for the rest of my life that is not a tragedy. But I meet a lot of men because of the things I'm involved in, and maybe my "friend" was wrong.
Do any of you here have an opinion on what it's like to be older and single? If I never get married, I hope I can be happy anyway. It would be a mistake to marry the first guy that came along, just to not be alone, since a bad marriage is much worse than being single.
Do you think it really matters one way or the other? It can be financially easier if you're married, but it also can be much more complicated because you have to agree on everything.
I think people used to look down on single women, but that may have changed.
When I was 50 I thought I was too old to find romance, and also when I was 40, and when I was 30. Now I'm 59 and I think it's actually more likely now, since I go out and do things much more than I did before. But then I keep thinking about what my "friend" told me the other day.
it's obvious to me that you still care very much that your significant other has not been willing to committ to marriage. it also seems apparent that after 25 years, he is satisfied as things are and will not change.
i was married for 36 years in a generally pretty satisfying relationship, and was 59 when my husband died. i had not been on a date since i was 20+ and felt very awkward about dating and mid-life relationships in general. i met my current significant other not too long after my husband's death, and we felt from the beginning that we shared a special bond, even though we came from very different backgrounds. we have been together over 8 years and have worked through some difficult times personally and as a couple. at this point in our lives we don't really feel a great need to be married but that's a very personal decision.
after my husband's death i never thought i would meet anyone again who i could care for and who would genuinely care for me. i can only say- don't ever predict your life. in my opinion you seem to be finding reasons to continue in the relationship you're in although it's not what you want it to be. you're not too old to have a different life and a different relationship. life is short , and we don't know what's behind a door until we open it and look inside.
i wish for you a bright and happy future-
25 years is a long time to date someone. What reasons does he give for not getting married when he knows that is what you want(ed)? Since you have the same interests, why doesn't he want to do things with you?
It is hard to enter the dating world at 59; however, people who are 59 and older get married everyday, so it is possible. I do find that many men your age and older want younger women. I have a friend who is 59 and dated 35-40 year old women for years. He married recently to a women who is 58. It took him several years of playing the field to realize that he needed a wife closer to his age. As some men enter retirement, they want a woman who is at the same place in her life so that they can enjoy retirement together, so it may be worth your time to make yourself available.
I am not wondering about the relationship. I was wondering if it's just a myth that you can't find a relationship if you're older than 50 (or 40, or 30, etc). I always heard those, and I don't think I believe it. I also wondered if you need a relationship to be happy. I don't think so. Those are my questions, not why this particular guy didn't marry me -- that's his problem, not what I wanted to talk about.
I don't know if it's impossible to find a relationship when older. I have found it impossible to find one that I want enough to be in it. I would much rather be lonely on merit (being alone) than lonely in a tepid relationship.
I don't overly believe in marriage, but have always said that if I wanted to marry someone and he believed in marriage but wouldn't marry me, it would be a bad situation.
Now, if someone feels that "being alone" is unacceptable, they likely will be in whatever they can be in. I think a lot of men do this, which is why they have a reputation for "not committing." I think men, more than women, don't want to be alone, so they always have someone, but are not willing to stay there- always looking for something better. I think it's the rare man who enters a relationship after being alone, as opposed to moving from one person to another in record time.
Then again, I consider myself terminally single. I haven't seen much to make me want to spend a lot of time with anyone available, never mind share lives.
Is the OP living with the man in question, or "dating?" (25 years?) I think living together is quite different from "dating/being involved" and the marriage part is different, too.
Humble opinion, and all that. Remember, I've been alone for a looong time. But I do try to watch and learn.
I DO believe you can find and marry after 50! My spouse and I found each other in our 50's after two unhappy marriages. I know quite a few people that married in their 50-60's. People in assisted facility where my dad was were getting married all the time. One fellow there married in his 80's and when she passed married again in his 90's!
IMO your current relationship sounds a bit one sided. Whether married or dating it should be a 50-50 relationship. I could be wrong, but "something is NOT better than nothing."
You might meet other men at your various groups/interests if they know you are no long tied to your current companion.
Several friends of ours are "terminally" single and they are quite happy with their lives. You don't need a man/woman in your life to be complete. In your case, it sounds like his inability to "decide" whether to get married only is lowering your self esteem and keeping you on the hook. I would drop him and get out of the toxic relationship.
They say it's harder for a woman to find a partner in this stage of life, that men have the advantage--that's probably true to some extent.
I think it's true that many men are "uxorious", i.e., they really need a wife. So when they lose one, they get another--I have a relative who is 80 and on his 3rd wife--he remarried twice not long after his former wife died. He just needs someone to take care of him.
Women are more independent, and I believe that they cope better being without a partner. That doesn't mean we don't want love and companionship, just less need to be married or otherwise committed.
But I think it probably depends on personality. I have male friends, one of whom is constantly looking but not finding "the one", the other is too busy with his endeavours to have any kind of relationship (and it's too late for him I think, at 73 he's just too eccentric.)
I know you are not asking for relationship advice. But it sounds to me like you perhaps aren't terribly happy. If so, get out of this relationship and see what happens--life is too short at this point to not give happiness a chance.
And remember, there's nothing magic about "marriage"--many folks don't bother these days, but are still in loving and committed relationships.
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old and single
