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I don't think that most of us with adult kids expect them to physically take care of us in old age and failing health. I really don't. The elders are too private and proud anyway and don't want that kind of intimacy with their kids or grandkids!
I do however think that some boomers and elders hope that their adult kids will take them into their homes if need be, either for financial reasons (helps on both ends) or for ease such as shopping, etc. One couple I know in their 80s, when they were 70 they built onto their home a whole new level complete with two baths and kitchen, and made the offer to their four adult kids "Whoever looks after us in old age gets to live here free and inherit the whole house." The youngest and his wife said yes and are now in that arrangement. I don't know how they're all faring, esp since the elder dad's health is now failing. When he passes on, the elder mom will be still living there with the protection of the son and wife. They could all be pulling their hair out about now for all I know--but the last time I visited the household was quiet and peaceful and very well kept.
There are many different kinds and degrees of caregiving. If the kids get something out of the deal, like a free place to live or an inheritance, they might be happy with it. And if intense physical caregiving is not required, it might not be such a hardship. But there are so very many situations where the caregiving is intense and stressful and goes on for many years, and the parent has nothing whatsoever to give the caregiver.
A simple friendly arrangement to share expenses is one thing -- and anyone could do it, not just relatives. Expecting your kids to be responsible for you is something entirely different.
having gone thru this with parnets and in-laws it can be as simple as takig grocery shopping when too old to drive;helpig with home maintenace allowig them to live at home.taking care of financial mtatter as they age;eatig to gether on sundays;having someone check o them veryday. From what seen even if they have some handicap its often better than nuringhome care. Add a person to help do things around the house and mnay can live in their homes. Other need constant care which takes bucks or its the medicaid nursing homes.If you don't have rwaltives or kids then often living at home become a real problem much sooner for alot of people.
I too have no children and am solo again after divorce. Have thought of the future. Thought is the only thing.....lol. I think I have my head in the sand a bit.
My MIL was in such a facility as you mentioned. It was a good thing for her but I am fiercely independent and for the life of me cannot see myself in such a place! Nothing "wrong" with them....just my personal oddities and privacy-loving manner that is the issue. So I do not think I could ever "go in" when I am healthy and still lucid.
I now live in a townhome with others around me, plan to use the local senior center, hope to use home health visits per insur/Medicaid when needed etc. I do have a long-term-care insurance policy.
After that, my "plans" are blank. Does this sound irresponsible or like I have the ole rose-colored glasses on???
To die in my home with my cats around me is my final goal in life. (not even 60 yet but being solo, I am concerned that something will thwart my final goal)
Help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Janeace
Maybe I am more security-minded than most, but seeing people age and depend on their children to take them in, or assist them in various ways I can't help but think these CCRCs or life care type communities are a good idea for those who can afford them. Those without children, or relatives who will help them in their old age could use such an option. I've read a book on CCRCs, sent for some information on them, and read websites on them. They are slow about telling you the cost of admission, and then the monthly fee to live there... But seeing elders fall prey to those who will take them in...a daughter who felt entitled to clear out the bank account of their frail parents, for example, I can't help but consider such an option. I'll continue to look at this option. You must be healthy for them to take you in, or the door to this option closes forever. It's the gamble you take in waiting.
My husband and I have made the decision to move to a continuing care retirement community. We have no children. I have no siblings and my husband has 2 sisters, both older than him, and in faraway states. Thus, we have had to plan for the future. We've become friends with a number of other couples (most without children or close family), all who are going to the same CCRC. In other words, we are buying into a big family! The CCRC offers independent living in cottages for as long as you can live independently. They have higher levels of care and assistance when the need arises. We feel very comfortable with our decision.
Most parents don't want to be a burden, but kids can help
I think most of us don't want to be burdens to our children, if we have any. I live next door to my 85 year old mother. She is still physically and mentally alert and active, but insists that I should not hesitate to put her into a home when she reaches a point where she needs full-time care. I will do so, but I will continue to visit and advocate for her. I was very impressed by my boyfriend in college when we'd stop to visit his grandmother in her nursing home. He always stopped to greet the staff members, he knew their names and would chat and ask how they were doing. This was something my introverted self was amazed to observe. As he pointed out to me, the staff were doing a hard and often thankless job and they might treat his grandmother better knowing she had family who loved her and appreciated their care of her. Children can be advocates for care, manage finances and otherwise act as guardians without assuming day-to-day caregiving. Not having children myself, I won't have kids to do that for me, but if I live right I should have friends and others to look out for me that way.
One couple I know in their 80s, when they were 70 they built onto their home a whole new level complete with two baths and kitchen, and made the offer to their four adult kids "Whoever looks after us in old age gets to live here free and inherit the whole house." .
What a good idea.
Most of the stories I know of involve parents waiting until they need to be cared for then moving in with the kids. Some use their savings to convert a garage into a studio apartment. Others just move in.
Some carry on about having taken care of the kids growing up and now it is the kids turn to take care of them. Some whine about never intending to be a burden to the kids. (But never making any plans not to be a burden, other than, of course, not "planning" to live that long.)
One of my parents' friends built a new one floor home on their land and allowed a visiting nurse they had grown to love to live in their old home rent free. She helped care for them and they helped her raise her two children.
When they passed on, they had willed both houses and most of the land to the nurse. Their kids were disappointed but understood. None of them wanted to move out in the country to care for them and had they moved into a nursing home those last few years, it would all been gone anyway.
Just because you do not have kids does not mean you cannot set up your own home Continuing Care arrangements.
...If I had children I would do everything I could think of to prevent them from having to be my caregiver.
I don't know why people are not willing to face this. There are probably more demented disabled half-alive elders than ever before anywhere.
How many of you here took care of your parents for a long period of time?...
Apologize if this is OT... I did take have to step in on behalf of my mom, who was so determined to remain independent. At an earlier time, she had asked me to promise her that I'd never put her in a "home." Stressful, painful decisions, left me with guilt... After she passed, told my kids, If this happens to me, just take me out in the back and shoot me. Guess I don't know of any way to prepare for this...fills me with fear! Money would help, LTC ins would help, a willing spouse would help as would a dutiful daughter... A CCRC just seems like such a big step ... in the eventuality you might need this level of care at some time in the future. How to prepare? What to do?
I can remember when I was a kid, hearing mom say she would never be a burden on her children and how that was wrong.... I spent close to 15 years of my life caring for my parents. And several years caring for his as well. I guess the way you feel changes when you get older.
Anyway, I didn't have kids. At least partly because I was busy caring for one elder or another. And after all the parents died, we split up and I was left with half of what I was planning for retirement. So those places are not for me because I can't afford them. In a way, I'm glad. I visited a few and found them to be depressing. Nothing worse for me than living with a bunch of old people. I still want energy and activity. Today.
That will probably change as I get older but I still won't be able to afford it.
If you are going into one of these facilities, do it early. If you wait until you are 86 like my mom, you will just die mentally very very quickly. I've seen it again and again like that.
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long term care insurance
