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Old 10-04-2013, 04:04 PM
 
676 posts, read 844,441 times
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Has anyone just up and left his or her spouse after years of being married ? I don't want to go into a long long story. Just please let me know what you did and how you made it money wise....
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Old 10-04-2013, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
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I didn't but my mother (now deceased) did. She up and left my father when she was 55. Fortunately she had a librarian's degree and was able to go to work full-time for a state library system. Back in those days one could qualify for Social Security after only five years (20 quarters); that has now been doubled. So she worked the five years and took her (small) SS benefit at age 65 (which was full retirement age back then). She also had an inheritance from her own parents - it wasn't huge but was more than negligible. Without that inheritance things would have been pretty rough for her. But she did O.K. financially, being naturally frugal all her life anyway.

Emotionally it was a different story, as she regretted leaving but was too stubborn to say so. But that isn't what you asked about.

Today the job market is tougher, and we older folks have a hard time getting work unless we are connected to something somehow, or unless we have just the right skills and qualifications to fit in somewhere where age discrimination is not too rampant. Good luck.
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Old 10-04-2013, 06:16 PM
 
Location: California
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In today's employment market, you need a good job to take financial care of yourself.

If you are serious, you should talk to a marriage counselor and lawyer as a public forum can have a lot of misinformation.

Emotionally, you need the support of family and friends; if children are involved they will need to understand what is going on and that it isn't their fault. It can also be very liberating to finally be able to define who you want to be without being attached. How are you medically? Hormones can be nasty so be sure you thinking clearly.

I didn't leave but have tried to be a good friend to those who have been left or did leave so my experience is second hand.
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Old 10-05-2013, 01:42 AM
 
Location: Henderson, NV
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Haven't experienced it personally but have known a few that have. They got roommates (expenses were shared) and having been married longer than 10 years, were eligible for a portion of their spouses' SS.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:54 AM
 
676 posts, read 844,441 times
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My health according to my doc is excellent I am 62. No hormones to get in the way. Just tired of being a caregiver and living my life for him and I know that is my fault. Been married for 48 years and have known him since I was 13. Things change. Thanks for the input. No kids. One sister and one neice.
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Old 10-05-2013, 08:11 AM
 
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I left my spouse, and let him have everything. I did not care to haggle with him about anything. We were married for over 20 years. I really don't care that I have nothing. I will have two pensions when I retire, and savings...I am fine with my choices. No regrets here.

Part of our problem when we were married, was my insistence on working, he wanted a SAHM, dependent on him for everything. I worked full time, all the time. And I am glad I did.
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Old 10-05-2013, 08:13 AM
 
2,556 posts, read 3,287,392 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tarajane2013 View Post
Has anyone just up and left his or her spouse after years of being married ? I don't want to go into a long long story. Just please let me know what you did and how you made it money wise....
A little synchronistic that you should ask this. The BBC just ran an article (yet another article) about how married couples, over the age of 60, are divorcing in droves. The marriage isn't good and hasn't been good for a long time. One spouse or the other or both are aware that there isn't much time left, and they want to live the rest of their lives as a single person or want to experience another marriage. If I remember correctly, I think there have been a number of articles, in US mainstream news, in the past few years about the exact same thing: older couples, married a long time, divorcing in droves. And most often, it's the wife who wants the divorce, and the wife has no idea how difficult growing old on her own is going to be for her financially.

I left at 40, after 20 years of marriage. And I've never regretted it for one moment. BUT I had an extremely secure and well-paying job, and I knew I would have an excellent pension (should I not get laid off or fired before retirement).

I would have stayed married if it hadn't have been for my job and pension and my half of the equity in the house. (And then there was the money I could save and did save between divorce and retirement.) There is nothing at all good about growing old while living in poverty. And it's much worse when one is single/divorced/widowed and growing old in poverty.

I'm not trying to scare you. Well, maybe I am. I just want you to think hard and long about your future as an old woman on her own. And before consulting a good divorce lawyer, perhaps you should consult an accountant who can give you a realistic look at whether or not you can afford to divorce.

Oh, also: while you're in excellent health today (and you are still in the relatively young stage of growing old), you could be in very bad health tomorrow and for a long time to come (and perhaps never fully recover). And Medicare or even Medicare Advantage doesn't cover everything. Not by a long shot.

So -- do your homework before you leap.
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Old 10-05-2013, 08:29 AM
 
Location: East Coast
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I have a friend who decided to divorce her husband about 2 years ago (she was 63). She finally had had it with his cheating ways. It's been VERY difficult for her financially, but I think emotionally, she's a lot happier.

She went without health insurance until she qualified for Medicare at 65, and she's been working several part-time jobs to pay expenses. (I'm talking about a very bright, educated woman here.) She has applied for a number of full-time jobs (including local school districts), but I think they hold her age against her. There are certain expenses that he's supposed to pay, but he can never seem to come up with the money. Meanwhile, his current girlfriend is apparently wealthy and picks up the tab so he can travel with her.
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Old 10-05-2013, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Henderson, NV
1,091 posts, read 1,325,451 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post

I left at 40, after 20 years of marriage. And I've never regretted it for one moment. BUT I had an extremely secure and well-paying job, and I knew I would have an excellent pension (should I not get laid off or fired before retirement).

I would have stayed married if it hadn't have been for my job and pension and my half of the equity in the house. (And then there was the money I could save and did save between divorce and retirement.) There is nothing at all good about growing old while living in poverty. And it's much worse when one is single/divorced/widowed and growing old in poverty.

I'm not trying to scare you. Well, maybe I am. I just want you to think hard and long about your future as an old woman on her own. And before consulting a good divorce lawyer, perhaps you should consult an accountant who can give you a realistic look at whether or not you can afford to divorce.

Oh, also: while you're in excellent health today (and you are still in the relatively young stage of growing old), you could be in very bad health tomorrow and for a long time to come (and perhaps never fully recover). And Medicare or even Medicare Advantage doesn't cover everything. Not by a long shot.

So -- do your homework before you leap.
Your words are well taken. I guess one would have to weigh: not having a lot vs. living a miserable existence in a terrible marriage.
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Old 10-05-2013, 12:01 PM
 
2,556 posts, read 3,287,392 times
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Originally Posted by Darthfrodo View Post
Your words are well taken. I guess one would have to weigh: not having a lot vs. living a miserable existence in a terrible marriage.
No -- they're not miserable. Well, I don't know, of course, that NONE of them are miserable; I'm sure some are. But the most common reason given is just 'the marriage is over'. The couple has grown apart. One or the other of them -- or both of them -- realize, in their older age, that they're not getting any younger and they want to experience their own life now.

Don't laugh -- well, you can, of course -- but at the end of my 20-year marriage, I didn't know what my favorite color was or what my favorite music was. I had been so busy being a wife and mother and a student and working -- and even socializing (there were five of us couples who were like family for 9-10 years, while our kids were growing up) -- I just didn't know who I was. And, while the marriage wasn't miserable, it had never been particularly good. The kids were pretty much grown and gone by time I was 40. So I left.

Has my life always been just WONDERFUL since the divorce? Of course not. No one's life is ALWAYS wonderful. But I've enjoyed being single (most of the time), and I've never had to worry about money (yet), and THAT has made a BIG difference all along.
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