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Not at all. That's always been my stance. Even during the most agonizing moments of my crucifixion I always knew it was at the hands of a small subset of all women posters.
I usually let him get his way beause most things that really matter to him I have pretty neutral feelings. Thing is, he pretty much has strong feelings about everything. I mean everything from what restaurant, how/when to do laundry, even when to take the trash to the trash bin.
To me this doesn't sound like a retirement issue; it's a marital issue. You didn't notice it so much when in the work force. It sounds serious though you are at the same time minimizing it. I'd have a sit-down talk and air your views and observe what happens.
I only agree to this minimally. HIS situation changed because he retired and now HE has to adjust to his new world. Up until now it sounds like she has been going along, a bit more than she'd like. OP, please speak up and hold your ground when something truly is more important to you or more strongly affects you. He'll have to let go of some of the control.
When my dad retired, he was bored. He'd had something to get up and do so he needed something. He took all the small appliances in the house which had failed and fixed them. He still needed something to do so he started following mom around. Thing was, she did things her way, especially cooking. She was a very good cook. Dad would be standing behind her saying things like why don't you do that first since it so much simplier. She got rather tired of that and banned him from the kitchen when she was cooking. Finally he found a job helping this place out which made small electronics. He did get tired of the people who simply didn't get it, but at least mom didn't have to lock him out of the kitchen.
My son posted this on Facebook the other day and I think it fits here:
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband".
I think its funny but I also think there's a lot of truth in it. And it fits with my personal belief that the two most important words in a married man's life are "Yes, Dear". What I mean by that is that with so many little things every day that we could fight about, someone always needs to step back to keep things from escalating. Maybe "don't sweat the small stuff" is a better description.
We've been married for 26 years and still going strong, so I think the philosophy is working well.
If only men would defer to their spouses the world would be a much saner place.
If you'd reverse that you would be perfectly correct.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl
Men have always thought themselves superior in intellect, intelligence, and common sense
The scorecard of history is on our side for all three......understandable that you're chagrined.
Quote:
Originally Posted by djplourd
My son posted this on Facebook the other day and I think it fits here:
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband".
I think its funny but I also think there's a lot of truth in it. And it fits with my personal belief that the two most important words in a married man's life are "Yes, Dear". What I mean by that is that with so many little things every day that we could fight about, someone always needs to step back to keep things from escalating. Maybe "don't sweat the small stuff" is a better description.
We've been married for 26 years and still going strong, so I think the philosophy is working well.
Hmmm....a little too easygoing perhaps?
There is another wise saying: "You have to lie yourself down to let someone walk all over you"
I'm in a similar situation. Not retired but my other is self employed and his work dwindles during the winter months.
First and foremost I try to remember he's trying to be helpful, and trying to be "in charge". I don't really mind that. I usually defer to his judgement on restaurants, movies, etc, but every now and then I'll bring it up and he lets me choose. Usually he doesn't realize how he comes across but, even when we discuss it, he defaults back into that behavior. My guy was raised by two parents that stayed together forever. He had 4 brothers. I get frustrated sometimes. We do really well if we talk about things. (well, after he gets indignant and goes away mad then thinks about it)
I think communication is key. We did counselling once and it was really helpful figuring out what page we both were on.
...Thinking about it, I realize I have been very abrupt with him a lot lately and reject his affection, too. Sooo......is this just an adjustment to him being around all the time? Have others found they have more tension after retirement?
I find it interesting that divorced and otherwise single individuals are giving advice on this thread.
I also find it interesting that the OP has stated that she has been abrupt with her husband lately, she has been rejecting her husband's romantic advances, and she asks whether her issues have to do with trying to adjust to her husband being in her life more since his retirement, and yet the majority of the "advice" is that the husband needs to get a life () be "assigned" () household chores, or otherwise find activities because she is having difficulties interacting with him.
I find it interesting that divorced and otherwise single individuals are giving advice on this thread.
I also find it interesting that the OP has stated that she has been abrupt with her husband lately, she has been rejecting her husband's romantic advances, and she asks whether her issues have to do with trying to adjust to her husband being in her life more since his retirement, and yet the majority of the "advice" is that the husband needs to get a life () be "assigned" () household chores, or otherwise find activities because she is having difficulties interacting with him.
Wow Bada Bing. Goodness gracious. I completely agree.
Now for my advice work together, but as djplourd said in his post "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband". It is always that way. Otherwise either the wife is beaten down so badly she could be considered abused, or it ends in divorce.
Here is a prime example. We have a new house just built in 2004. We need to build a deck on the back but the wife has it in her mind we need two smaller decks and a patio in between. I argue that it will not be aesthetically pleasing nor practical in terms of maintenance. But I refer back to the quote above she wins argument (temporarily).
We build two decks. First patio is stone, then come slate, then comes brick. All of them require maintenance and weeds and whatnot just make it difficult to keep. Then the wife asks if we can replace with a single deck combining the two smaller decks. End of story I win in the end by waiting. We lose because all those changes cost time and money. Grrrrrrr.
I do find a clear pattern among those I know of a paternal "man knows best" with their spouses. Men have always thought themselves superior in intellect, intelligence, and common sense (how many lol's can I fit into this space?). Bet my farm that Curmudgeon will have something to say about this. And Escort.
NewEnglandGirl, this Bud's for you!
Don't want to disappoint. In a previous marriage the ex martialed her forces at the beginning of each weekend day and literally assigned everyone chores over and above her quotidian weekday demands. Needless to say, this did not set well with me and despite my having become conflict adverse over the years I generally responded with some pithy retort such as, "In your dreams" after receiving my list. Often I also "paroled" the children from theirs, telling them to go out and enjoy the sun, play and be children. One element of the marshal's task list was always missing; any "assignments" for her. As she was a stay-at-home-mom it seemed reasonable to expect much of this to be done by her during the week so we all could enjoy the weekends together. But as they say, "Hope springs eternal..."
Can you believe that all this is part and parcel of why she's the ex! Meanwhile and in my present (and last) marriage and as a seasoned old soldier I choose my battles wisely and engage in them pleasantly albeit firmly on the rare occasion they become inevitable. Now I realize that marriage seems to trigger an insufferable switch in us husbands if supporting chatter by some (many) wives is to be believed. But in the end and despite our perceived recalcitrance we actually are adults and most are capable of discerning things that need to be done and actually doing them voluntarily. I offer as exhibit #1 the reality that the kitchen trash needs to be emptied, the cat boxes cleaned and their water source refilled. The bird feeders in the back yard also need to be refilled. These and maybe more things will be taken care of this morning. Then I may rest!
I think it essential that in a marriage with two working partners and especially in retirement, both share equally in the household chores. Thus it has always been in our marriage and thus it will continue to be. Now the reality is that due to my wife's physical and medical issues, now I probably do 80% of what needs to be done and have done so for the past two years but that's what is necessary and there is no umbrage. I think it's called "rising to the occasion."
That's all!
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 03-22-2015 at 08:53 AM..
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) be "assigned" (
