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You say you want a "step by step" approach to this dilemma to avoid a calamity. This requires that you think logically and acknowledge realistically that your family members have few options at this point. They do not have the financial resources to afford the end of life funerals etc which you seem to wish for them. If you also lack the finances for this, then you have no choice but to make other plans. It is what it is.
We truly ARE a "sandwiched" generation...trying to help our kids and care for our parents. It is a very unfortunate situation many face from time to time, and some way more than others.
IF anyone ever served in the military, they need a DD214 and they can have burial rights at a military cemetery. If there is not one close to them and someone is not wanting them "so far away" and makes a stink, perhaps they should step up and help out. That is a HUGE help considering a LOT of folks of our parents generation did serve.
Cremation is another seriously less expensive option for end of life issues vs burial. There are adds here in the local newspaper for $495 cremation.
One of the Sharks on Shark Tank said there are 3 "phase of life" businesses that he finds VERY worth investing in, birth, marriage and death. He said those are the 3 times in peoples lives when they seem to throw caution to the wind and go whole hog on spending. It does NOT NEED to be that way.
I just took care of my widowed momma until she passed a year ago, then stepped right into caring for my widowed sister until she passed this summer. I feel your pain.
I went through this some years ago. The one I worried the most about was my dad: SS only income (which I supplemented), no savings or resources, few possessions, poor health. I spent a decade lying awake at night worrying because I knew I was the one in the family to whom he'd turn.
Long story short, it worked out. He managed to hang on to a studio apt. in subsidized housing. Medicare and medicaid paid for his medical care and his last lengthy illness. His brother and I chipped in on a modest coffin and a bare bones but dignified graveside service. Personally I thought it was more respectful than many large extravagant funerals I've attended.
So these people are our parents, and the grandparents of our kids and their spouses.
Generally they are in their 80's somewhere, and approaching 90.
There are quite a few of them. Half a dozen or so. As far as I can tell most of them have given no previous thought as as to how the end of their lives should be handled. They have lurched into the end without a plan.
They are in and out of hospitals. They are in care and out of care. They have no money and no resources. They are all at the end of life and we are trying to figure how to deal with it, and with so many of them all at once.
And if I may be frank, the burial costs alone for these many people, I have no idea how it will be paid for - we're still on the hook for our kids student loans!
Some of our kids are failing as well. 40 years old, and on second and third husbands/wives, numerous children, dead broke, half lifetime of bad decisions taking its toll.
So we wish for all of our family members to be cared for in a respectful way.
We cannot save this many people.
I feel trapped and unable to sort through what we can do and what we cannot do. We are just regular working Americans witnessing several generations going down all at once, en masse.
I am feeling paralyzed by the scope of the need. Prioritization is necessary. I can't figure it out.
Anybody willing to proffer some insight?
Well put.
Priority - you and our spouse.
Unless you want to be in the same situation the family elders are in, start making arrangements right now to avoid that.
You may want to meet with a financial advisor to help sort out how much money you will need to have socked away before you can retire comfortably and what you will need to do now to assure that. You can then determine how much a year you are able to donate to paying off your kids' college loans, helping the kids out of unfortunate situations, assisting the elders with their trials and tribulations, etc.
Once you determine what that amount is, hold a family meeting with the kids and their spouses and let them know what, if anything, you are still financially able to do and what is no longer possible.
For example, you may find that you need to turn over the responsibility for paying off the college loans to the kids that incurred these loans. If you will be covering burial expenses for several people, determine what those expenses might run to and start putting some of your "donated" money into a fund to pay for these expenses.
You may want to join a wellness program at your local hospital and start exercising more and eating healthier to stay healthy as long as possible.
You may want to downsize to a handicap accessible home that you will be able to keep up with as you age. Interest rates are pretty good now and this might be a good time to get a home that will be paid for by the time you retire.
It's easy to get so caught up in the troubles of others that you forget to plan ahead for yourself.
I went through this some years ago. The one I worried the most about was my dad: SS only income (which I supplemented), no savings or resources, few possessions, poor health. I spent a decade lying awake at night worrying because I knew I was the one in the family to whom he'd turn.
Long story short, it worked out. He managed to hang on to a studio apt. in subsidized housing. Medicare and medicaid paid for his medical care and his last lengthy illness. His brother and I chipped in on a modest coffin and a bare bones but dignified graveside service. Personally I thought it was more respectful than many large extravagant funerals I've attended.
But what if they do? How can we know? I must tell you I'm totally creeped out by cremation. Personally, I can't even consider it for any once-living thing.
I have mixed feelings about cremation. But I do know you can save by skipping the viewings and services at a funeral home, and the funeral procession/parade complete with limousine. Many years ago after an uncle's funeral, I said to my parents "why can't we just go to the cemetery and have a service there?" They agreed and that is what we did for both of them.
Also. since you anticipate so many funerals in a short time , maybe you can arrange something ahead of time at a funeral home in an area central to where they all live now. I don't mean to be flippant here, but ask for a discount on funerals and burial plots. You never know unless you ask.
I don't know what about cremation creeps you out. Personally I am creeped out by taking a dead body and dressing it up and putting on makeup, pretending that it's alive by getting it a nice, comfy, satin lined bed of the finest mahogany and parading it around town in a limo. No offense intended to any one who has done this with their loved ones, but I find that far creepier than returning their body to the essential chemicals of which it was made up and scattering them in a place that was special to them, so that they may become a part of that place for eternity. Little bits of them will exist for eons to come in the form of plants, flowers, the very earth beneath our feet, or drift forever in the sea if that is the place they loved. Far better than rotting in a fancy box underground. But that's just my view...
OP, you say they will not discuss their final arrangements, but I think you have to press the
issue. If they shut down the discussion, just follow up that shutdown with the statement "Fine, we'll just do whatever we can afford" and let it drop. Then do whatever you can afford.
Priority is to do what is decent for those who did not provide for their "after-care", and really no more than that is necessary. If they wanted a big funeral, etc, they should have seen to it themselves. And as for your kids, well if they can't figure it out by the time they are in their 40's...That is no longer your problem. They are all grown up and it is time for you to take care of your future. Their future is their responsibility.
OK....
1) deep breath
2) take time to REALLY think about YOUR needs, FIRST. I mean really think about YOUR needs. ARE YOU set for your eldercare issues and needs? IF not, get THAT set first...from wills, and DPOAs, to funeral and care wishes, to asset protection and estate planning....FOR YOU first.
THEN....if you feel that is set....
3) decide what you CAN do, and are WILLING to do, and FOR whom. You already know you can't pay for and care for everyone. Sooo what CAN you do that won't interfere with or jeopardize your future and you planning for YOU.
If the old folks are more the priority, because they need care now or are closer to their final years, then prioritize their needs and care just like you did for you. WHAT can they afford (or not), what services to they qualify for, what services are out there, etc?
IF these old folks are UNcooperative when it comes to your help and guidance, YOU will have to eventually accept that you CANNOT help people who won't let you help them. If they don't want you to know their finances...if they wont' tell you their medical info...your hand's will be tied. Best to know that going in. And accept you won't be able to help them get the best help, services and care...because they won't let you.
Even if they ARE compliant and let you take over managing everything...there's a STEEP learning curve. But at least you're in charge and their not interfering and block your moves, and resisting what's even in THEIR OWN best interest.
AS for the ADULT CHILDREN....if your kids are in their 40s, and through their OWN decisions (not handicaps or medical needs, etc) and don't have their act together then:
1) that's even MORE reason for YOU to have YOUR OWN planning in place for YOU. Because if you're still helping your adult kids -- who the hell will be able to help YOU when you need it? THEM? If their not managing their OWN money, can you trust them to be your POA? and make decisions for YOU?
2) I d's serious think about not helping the adult kids. Now if you want to help GRANDKIDS that's for you to know whether you can afford that.
---------------------OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS----------------
1) get over how you feel about cremation. The person is dead. Funerals are for US, their loved ones who are still here. If THEY didn't plan for the funeral they want. Then I guess they won't get it. Once cousin of mine cremated her brother because that's all she could afford, OTH my SIL wiped out her emerg. fund. to help bury a sister who died "dead broke"..... pun intended.
2) Be just a little selfish. You have to think about you first. You see what could become of a person and happen if a person hasn't planned for themselves. Ask yourself -- in all honesty -- how much can you afford to help other people -- if your situation isn't set. Some people are just like drowning victims...you can't save them if they're fighting you or pulling you down too.....you have to shake them off and let them go to save yourself. Noe granted, if you hae someone who could help you if you need it....or you CAN afford to help all these people, then you don't need all my caveats.
PLEASE go to the CAREGIVING BOARD -- AND BEFORE POSTING READ BACK, through the PAGES AND PAGES of some previous threads. There's a lot of great information on this board. And quite frankly a lot of people in the beginning ask the same kinds of questions. And so some answers are just repeated basic information that's been explained and explained, and really doesn't need to be retyped over and over again.
End of life issues are becoming the bane of most of the elderly. Past generations considered the end as a natural part of living and dealt with it accordingly, small towns had their undertakers and graveyards ready to accommodate the dead, and few if any went broke burying their loved ones. Today we see the entire business of dying as---A business. There are a few hospice organizations that will help in the dying process, including dealing with the remains of the dead, but most opt for continued treatment in spite of the odds.
I've buried more than my share of family by now and have come to see our systemic failures in the current mortuary business model as a national shame, not to mention the huge costs associated with keeping the dying from their last natural appointment, while the docs and hospitals profit from the entire grievous process. To the OP I can only say that these events are trying and will eventually bring you to a place closer to your own end if you can't rationalize your need to expedite things in a way that leaves you intact, both mentally and financially. I can empathize with anyone going through this..Best wishes..
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