Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't have so much neighbors needing help, although one does and is the sort to come out and want to talk while I'm trying to get something done like wash a vehicle, but being involved in community stuff being the one who gets called to go meetings and what not no one else wants to.
It's gotten annoying enough that I now tell the caller to get hold of the lazy Council member who does absolutely nothing but show up to our twice monthly meetings and go to a meeting every two months for a free dinner.
Do we have the same neighbor? Ours must think it's everyone elses responsibility to provide for her.... cat food (she feeds strays and owns 12 of her own), carrots and potatoes (she constantly scouts the entire neighborhood for free ones)... and yes, she has twice asked to borrow our electric saw so that she can trim the trees of friends and family. We refuse on the saw. When she borrows things, she doesn't return them for months, or she returns them broken with only an apology.
One night she came begging. She had no food to feed her daughter, she pleaded, and her check didn't come in for a few more days. Like a fool, I handed her 40 bucks. Two days later she threw a huge backyard BBQ for her family and friends. My husband and I weren't even invited.
Though we are still polite, we have distanced ourselves from her. We now have no problem telling her no, no matter what she requests of us...and no matter how simple the request my seem. Some people are leeches with insatiable appetites.
A coworker of mine- a very nice guy , always ready for small talk- absolutely wants me to go to Mass. He is fervently Roman Catholic and since I told him I am baptized but don't go to Mass every Sunday (don't go at all in fact, which I didn't tell him of course), he wears me down with his advices on how to become " a true believer" ("pray the Holy Virgin eevery day", confess my sins, communiate, etc"). In the long run, it's akward. Idon't want to turn him down since ,once again, he is a fine guy (when he doesn't get back to his religious obsession, that is).
A coworker of mine- a very nice guy , always ready for small talk- absolutely wants me to go to Mass. He is fervently Roman Catholic and since I told him I am baptized but don't go to Mass every Sunday (don't go at all in fact, which I didn't tell him of course), he wears me down with his advices on how to become " a true believer" ("pray the Holy Virgin eevery day", confess my sins, communiate, etc"). In the long run, it's akward. Idon't want to turn him down since ,once again, he is a fine guy (when he doesn't get back to his religious obsession, that is).
Buck up and tell him you are very comfortable and happy with Tour beliefs and you like spending time with him, except when he brings up religion, so you would appreciate it if that subject were off limits. He will only continue until you Nippet in the bud.
My MIL has a friend that is in her 90's, she doesn't drive, has no family left and lives in the SFH home she shared with her husband before he died. MIL is always driving her somewhere or doing things for her, she isn't the only one.
This summer when we came to visit MIL for a couple of days, an hour after we got there the friend called.
Her: "I need to go to the bank before it closes"
MIL: "My son and his wife are here, they just arrived."
Her: "That's nice, when can you come over?"
This went back and forth and all three of us went to take her to the bank. She was sitting on her porch and used a cane to get to the car. She didn't have her bank book so her and MIL went back to the house to get it (slow motion doesn't begin to describe how she walks). Once inside, she asked if MIL could look at her toilet while she was there, it was having problems.
We finally get to the bank before it closes, she goes in and after too much time, DH goes in to find if there is a problem. There was, she really couldn't see where to write her name and wasn't understanding the teller. They get it solved and back to the car where she says "I need to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things."
We wait in the car as MIL and her go in the store. A half hour later they come out with a full cart. By this time it has gotten so over the top, we can't help but laugh and resign ourselves to being in an episode of the Twilight Zone, while also realizing this could be us one day.
We get her home, help take the groceries in, get her settled and we meet her neighbor who is mowing her lawn and trimming for her. We are finally done after rearranging her bottled water and MIL apologetically thanked us for helping.
Two weeks ago MIL told us her friend was found by the neighbor several blocks away walking to the grocery store which is several miles away. The neighbor shares POA/medical directives with the friend's lawyer and she was put in a lockdown facility for her safety. MIL went to visit her and was distressed to find her out of it, likely from being medicated. MIL understands this was coming, but her friend has lost the life she had and this is probably how she will end.
MIL has helped her over the last several years and enabled her to stay in her home. I have mixed feelings over whether that was a good thing or not. MIL just did what she felt needed to be done, without judgement.
Yes I know women in their 30s like this , they have never been single long enough to know how to do things for themselves . Let me tell you I have a handy man husband but I mow the yard , I take care of the flower beds , I run the weed whacker when it needs to be run , but also take out trash and take the can to the corner . My husband never does any of this . I was a widow for 11 years and I learned real quick how to do things for myself including working in the real world and am now retired but still do the yard work and the house work and the trash detail and my husband can do his handy work on his own when he wants too not because he has too . Some women just cant seem to do without being married or having a kid around . Guessing your neighbor was one of these .Tell her there are classes at some librarys and home depot on do it yourself things .
What's so funny here, too, is that we have had conversations where I have said that I like a relationship to be equal - tit for tat. So, if I give someone a ride, for example, they give me something of equal value in return. She has said multiple times that she doesn't like to keep score. Well, now I know why LOL. People who want more than they give don't want to keep score.
I gotta say, I'm with your neighbor on this one. I couldn't imagine keeping a running tab with neighbors, friends, family, etc., on whether I've provided more favors for each of them or whether they've provided more for me.
If you expect a quid pro quo for any favors that you do, then in effect, you aren't really doing anyone any favors at all. All you've done is provide a service for which you expect payment in return, albeit at some future date.
It wasn't that long ago that American's, both women and men were a pretty capable lot. Farming, the main source of income from the very beginning was something that demanded personal skills and innovation, today we see those two things in short supply. The older American's among us are holdovers from that time wherein neighbors were a reliable resource, they are now too old to reciprocate in any meaningful way but still think of themselves as "independent" without realizing the burden they represent for others.
Just yesterday my 75 yr old widow neighbor (using her chainsaw) was out in the rain cutting up the trunk of a tree she had cut down (yeah, she's tough) days earlier. My wife had tried to dissuade her but she sees these tasks as proof of her independence, I went over to offer some assistance and the two of us finished the job without any consequences, I'm left to wonder though if she does these things out front of her house in order that we will see her and come to her aid. I do respect her will and determination but more often than not I'm feeling that I should offer to help.
I live on a street that has many widowed women and I do appreciate the fact of their independence, as for the OP--I have always maintained a policy of no tool loaning, I simply reply when asked, "I don't loan money or tools", it may sound abrupt but abruptness is called for when it can cut through the normal attempts to have an understanding of your position. Most of the abuse we suffer at the hands of others seems to stem from a desire to not offend, but--when the actions of others (constant borrowing) offends us, we need to set things straight and be prepared to dismiss these people from our lives.
Is it because you're afraid that if you do this task for her, she will ask for more favors? That may be true. I don't understand though not wanting to cut a board for a neighbor since you have two saws.
You wouldn't need to lend her your new saw - you could cut it for her.
Push back as hard as you need to. "No" means "NO"!
This kind of "taker" seems to inhabit every rental property I've ever lived in.
"I need a stepladder; can I borrow yours?"
"NO. Walmart has them on sale this week."
"Can I borrow your mower?"
"NO. Unless you want to give me a $175 cash deposit, which is the replacement cost of this mower."
"Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"
"NO. Walk your deadbeat *ss down to the corner and get a bag of sugar at Kroger."
(If my nice neighbor, the one who waves as she comes and goes but otherwise doesn't bother me for anything came asking for sugar I'd gladly give it to her. But not the "taker"!)
Just practice saying "NO" until it comes naturally and doesn't stress you out. Sounds like you're heading for an eventual blowout with that one. I'd advise keeping your distance.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
