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If you have the assets and are a couple, then my suggestion would be to look at continuing care facilities wherever you want to be. If you had children who were stabilized in an area, then I would suggest considering if you all would like a place within a reasonable driving distance for just in case mutual needs; but to live your life self sufficiently in the CCF environment makings friends and activities as you go wherever you go. If your relatives are nieces and nephews, then I would not prioritize moving to be near them specifically although if it were a happy coincidence then it is great to be near extended family. Just saying self sufficiency is first on the list
Living in a single family house can require a lot of effort and can be expensive to hire out inevitable house care and maintenance services, but if you have the assets and the desire to make your current situation work planning ahead for medical needs and services then establishing a self sufficient life is doable.
The key is where and how can you best be self sufficient. So ask yourself that and just sit back not rushing things until you get that answer. Then proceed. But do it while you are both healthy enough to be accepted into the setting and while you are a couple. (Couples have an easier time integrating into these group environments)
My daughter lives close now but won't forever and my only family is 1,000 miles away and is in worse health than I am. I like where I am but sometimes think about moving back as I get older. The move alone would probably do me in.
OP...If you don't have a close relationship with your nieces and nephews already I don't think you will be able to insert yourselves into their lives now. I assume they have families and kids and all of the parenting responsibilities that would take up their time.
If you have friends and also doctors you trust where you are and suitable health care facilities I'd be cautious about throwing that away to rejoin your family of origin and start over.
On the other hand, your husband seems willing to live in a cold climate and if you choose an assisted living apartment you really won't have to deal as much with the snow and they usually have transportation options if you don't want to drive.
Instead, invest in the infrastructure to help you live in place. Is your home accessible via wheelchair? If not, hire a contractor to install a ramp. Do you have a grab bar in the shower or next to the toilet? If not, have them put in.
When you need help, hire it from a licensed/bonded service company. Find a company that provides wheelchair transportation in case that is needed one day. Depending on the age of your car(s), consider getting new ones just because they are typically more reliable. Etc.
You also need to develop a good network of similar-aged people facing the aging-in-place issues most of us will one day face. For example, I participate in a local group called "Neighbors Assisting Neighbors." I'm 60 and volunteer to help those in their 80s cope with some home maintenance issues such as replacing light bulbs & HVAC filters and performing periodic maintenance on their water heaters (basically draining about 5 gallons of water every month or two to get reduce sediment).
Sometimes, the elderly just need someone there when a repairman comes. For example, just this week a 90 year old woman had an HVAC company come to look at her AC, and they told her she needed to pay $1200 for a new circuit board and condenser motor. She called me & I came over & after a few detailed questions I was convinced he was taking advantage of her and we sent him on his way. I helped diagnose the issues. The relay that plugs into the circuit board was a bit loose. If you pulled a bit to provide tension on the relay, it connected well & the blower turns on. If you let it go, it doesn't. It needed a $20 part.
Last edited by SportyandMisty; 05-05-2017 at 09:14 AM..
I went through something similar to the OP. My wife was ill with cancer and we knew she would die from it. My concern was what if I died before her as she would not be able to care for herself. We started looking at assisted living facilities mainly as I wanted her settled, taken care of if something happened to me.
One always has to be prepared for the next phase of life even when one does not what the future will bring. To the OP, I suggest looking at assisted living facilities both up north and where you presently are. At least visit and gather information/prices so you will be able to make the move when needed.
The resolve was she died 2 years ago. I am healthy and i live in a small patio home in an HOA. The HOA takes care of all outside maintenance so it is a carefree life style. I still keep an eye on assisted living facilities as that could well be my next step. I am prepared for the next step when needed.
Anyone else out there facing something like this? What did you do ?
Always seek a professional for your care. I know some people think that relatives are going to do a better job, but unless they are professionals in health care, you are in better care with professionals. Also, there is a time commitment relatives might not be able to do. Being near them to visit with, that's a different issue. But you have to really decide how often you really see them and would the number of visits be the same if they had to travel to see you. Also, if they aren't willing to travel to see you, you have to wonder how important you really are to them. So moving and all that just to be closer to them might not be of any benefit.
A good friend of mine, his father became ill. So he decided to move in with him to take care of him. This all sounds like a charming idea, but eventually it became that he couldn't leave his father alone for more than a few hours at home to go shopping. He would come back to the house, and find him laying on the floor and wasn't able to get up by himself. He was like that for hours. He later had his father moved to an assisted living place and this worked out great. The father was able to get the kind of care he needed when he needed it. But before that, he did get in-home help for his father. So look into your insurance coverage and financial situation and see if that would be available in your own home now.
You haven't lived near family in 20 years. I would not expect to count on them. Even if they did agree to help you, they could move due to a job transfer or needing a job. I would look into local services for yourselves. As sad as it sounds, you will have look into help for yourselves. A day may come when you need live in care or a nursing facility. I would start planning now and not wait.
This will happen to anybody, not just those who moved far from their family. Even if you live close to your family, what makes you think they are going to help.
I agree. Unless you are extremely close to your nieces and nephews, IMHO, do not assume that you can count on their help.
You moved away 20 years ago. How often do you see your nieces and nephews? Once a month or once a year or even less. How often do you email them or talk to them on the phone? Once a day or once a week or a just a few times a year?
I know nieces & nephews that could barely pick their aunts or uncles out of a line-up. They certainly would not disrupt their lives to help them. Maybe they may visit them in a nursing home once every couple of years. Heck, on the caregiving forum we learn that there are biological children who do not see their parents for years, if not decades, and do not step up to help (until the will is read).
When our elderly aunts needed help, many nieces & nephews in the family stepped in to help. But these were the same nieces & nephews (who lived in the same town) that visited or spoke with them multiple times a week or out of town relatives wh0 spoke to them each and every week and visited multiple times a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow
Whitelotus, right now you are in a bit of panic mode. Take a deep breath and slow down. Lots of people in their 70's have TIA's (mini-strokes) and go on to have a long life. My MIL is an example she had a TIA 20 years ago and is still living. She only recently (2 years ago) needed to go into assisted living at 88 years old. Apparently she felt she would be the first to go, but Pop went first, (5 years after MIL's TIA) after a one year cancer struggle. Everyone is different, and life can throw you some crazy curves. Follow doctor's orders on his healthcare, and he may be around for a long time.
Yes you do need a plan for the future, but don't dive headfirst without taking time and thinking it through. Take this incident as a prompt to get your papers in order. Get your living wills and health care proxy stuff in order. Update your wills, insurance, beneficiaries on investments, and POA if necessary. Organize it all in a single binder/folder. Make sure you both are aware of all financial accounts, how to access them, and put as much stuff as possible on auto-pay so that it will make your financial issues as simple as possible for the surviving partner.
Go ahead and start looking into IL or AL, but don't jump into a plan without thoroughly checking it out. Make sure you understand the policies, especially around refunds of your deposit. You may decide later that buying in wasn't necessary after all, or if, heaven forbid, you lose your husband you may wish to move back near family after all.
Please take your time and think everything through. I don't think a knee-jerk reaction is in order here. I've never heard of an AL facility that won't take you if you are already sick. I mean what would be the point of that?? My MIL already had moderate dementia and she was accepted easily into the first place that she liked.
I agree about you being in panic mode right now.
However, I disagree with TheShadow on one point. Many AL facilities, at least in my area, do not have to take people with more serious health problems or with behavioral issues. And some AL, even Memory Care facilities have "zero tolerance" if you develop more serious health issues or have behavioral issues. They legally can kick you out even if you want to stay and have the money to stay.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-05-2017 at 02:01 PM..
Whitelotus: What did the MRI show? Is he having TIA's, which are truly mini strokes, or something more serious? What is the prognosis from your doctor? My Mom had TIA's for years, yet was able to remain in her two story house alone, with some help from neighbors and then a nursing agency, until the last two years of her life. I moved her then to my state, AZ and she resided in assisted living until she passed. She was 102.
You will need to gather all the information you can, including what help is available in both places, what your relatives think, what your doctor says, real estate conditions in both areas, reasonable assisted living in both areas, medical care available in both places, etc etc.
Only then will you be able to make your decision, since right now, you don't have enough information.
THank you so much for taking time to respond
I had to go back over the MRI report to check. I am calling it mini stroke but they aren't. I use that term because he isn't disabled. He is having short term memory problems .....also difficulty with some problem solving. He did ok with the cognitive tests the neurologist administered though. He has had several "old ischemic insults". Also states he has a "past history of stroke. ". MRI also says that atrophy is mild for age 74. Very confusing...that is why I used term min stroke...but nowhere in the report does it say that they were mini.
Neurologist said that the strokes are likely related to high bad LDL which was 143 at the time. So he prescribed Lipitor which brought the LDL down to 70 thankfully.....which the doc said is the recommended number for anyone with a history of stroke. One doc told us that he is likely to experience future strokes as he ages. I have a call in to my pcp to ask if that is still true since the LDL is lower now.
Whitelotus, right now you are in a bit of panic mode. Take a deep breath and slow down. Lots of people in their 70's have TIA's (mini-strokes) and go on to have a long life. My MIL is an example she had a TIA 20 years ago and is still living. She only recently (2 years ago) needed to go into assisted living at 88 years old. Apparently she felt she would be the first to go, but Pop went first, (5 years after MIL's TIA) after a one year cancer struggle. Everyone is different, and life can throw you some crazy curves. Follow doctor's orders on his healthcare, and he may be around for a long time.
Yes you do need a plan for the future, but don't dive headfirst without taking time and thinking it through. Take this incident as a prompt to get your papers in order. Get your living wills and health care proxy stuff in order. Update your wills, insurance, beneficiaries on investments, and POA if necessary. Organize it all in a single binder/folder. Make sure you both are aware of all financial accounts, how to access them, and put as much stuff as possible on auto-pay so that it will make your financial issues as simple as possible for the surviving partner.
Go ahead and start looking into IL or AL, but don't jump into a plan without thoroughly checking it out. Make sure you understand the policies, especially around refunds of your deposit. You may decide later that buying in wasn't necessary after all, or if, heaven forbid, you lose your husband you may wish to move back near family after all.
Please take your time and think everything through. I don't think a knee-jerk reaction is in order here. I've never heard of an AL facility that won't take you if you are already sick. I mean what would be the point of that?? My MIL already had moderate dementia and she was accepted easily into the first place that she liked.
They weren't Tia. I misspoke. Thanks so much for your input. It means a lot.
Thank you all so much for giving me so much to think about. Your thoughts and suggestions are priceless to me. Sometimes when I'm going through something, I feel like I'm the only one and that increase my already high anxiety. I am a very anxious person by nature.
It helps to know that I'm not alone. I will keep you all posted about our decisions.
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