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Yes and no, which I guess is the most common way to feel. They are both great and there's nothing serious to complain about but I obviously had dreams for them and my own ideas about how people ought to be which didn't quite play out. It's to be expected since they are not ME and the world isn't the same today as it was when I was growing up. And as individuals they are saddled with their own unique strengths, weaknesses, and problems that have nothing to do with me.
Such wise words.
Let's face it: who among us lived our lives exactly as our parents thought we would? Why should we expect our kids to?
Still, it is hard when I see my two making different choices than I would. I bite my tongue (sometimes), I fret and worry, I tell them that I love them.
That's what being a parent to adults is all about.
My son is in his twenties, married and going to school and with a good job already. He's found his pathway, which isn't mine, but then I always believed he had to find what was right for him. He's busy with life right now, but after the hardness which happened as a kid, for everyone, he's doing quite well.
He had a lot of problems for a few years, but found people who could listen and had let go of a lot of the anger. I will only say I have left behind most, but there are people I will not ever forgive.
I've come to terms with the reality that the time lost when everyone was angry will not come back to us. But it has eased. I am very proud of the way my son has picked up the pieces and is doing so well in life. I think it was when he and my dil wanted me to move in with them (her mother also lives with them) that I realized that while this is not what I would have thought I'd like, I'm quite okay with life now, with just a few solveable problems.
But I am a very strong person, stronger than I thought, and he has that same strength too. Many in my family have been and I am proud to have passed that on to him.
Or are you disappointed that one or two are not what you hoped for? Have they used their talents and upbringing to their advantage? Are you proud of them? Are they living lives that you think are worthwhile and good for them?
I ask because I recently became aware of a big lie in my family, with a grown child. I knew there were issues but now I see that either her upbringing or my parenting was not what she needed. I take responsibility for this but am clueless as to how to reconcile this in her life. Frankly, I think it's too late and now the ball is in her court. She has made terrible relationship choices and I am sad about this. But, she is an adult and now I have to butt out.
Disappointments are a fact of life. But it is really disheartening.
I did not raise a child.
However, your posting was very painful to read. I am the adult child of a similar situation, and consequently have definite and not always comfortable opinions on the topic. However, they may not be what you would assume and could even be helpful for you to consider. I don't know.
I am now 79, my father died in my late twenties, my mother lived until I was in my sixties.
I was a thoroughgoing disappointment to both of my parents, and though they shared that feeling, they were not disappointed for exactly the same reasons. I am not sure that it would necessarily add anything to know the whys and wherefores of the situation, as your comments are about your feelings.
My parents were both very inclined to be authoritarian to a degree that was unnecessary. My father was present only a few hours a day all week because of work when I was a child, and later when he had more time at home, he was usually very remote and silent. My mother was attractive and made it her business to be pleasant, but was essentially shrewish and selfish in her relationships (She was 13 emotionally and in her worldview for her entire life.) My father wanted a jock for a son, and had zero interest in my school performance; my mother wanted her child to be popular with the "better" children whose parents lived on the best streets in our town, and was passingly interested that I do well in school...because good people's children did that. Neither, I think, had any idea what my personal interest were from jr. high school on - there was simply no interest at all.
I did well in school, was insecure socially - though not unpopular, and all through high school had sex with boys and girls both and drank on the sly. (The latter conduct was not your 1950's "good kid," but I was a consummate phony who passed most people's scrutiny.) I went to college on a competitive scholarship, by the way. My parents insisted that I return to live with them after college and get a job in a nearby city - my family's "Big Lie" was well out of the bag at this point. By that time I had no money of my own.
In two weeks it was clear to my mother from my furtive conduct that my father would kill me sooner or later if I stayed home. I was just 22 and left with $50 bucks and a new suit, and their mocking predictions that I would be calling in two weeks begging to be taken back. (A super-bad tack to have taken.) That call was never made, despite the fact that to a great degree I made a shambles of my life by their standards (and almost anyone else's of that era) and totally failed to live up to the promise that my academic excellence implied.
My father cut me out of his will almost completely, but - odd as it might seem, we entered for the first time into a relationship that was superficially cordial and buddy-buddy. (As I have discovered since, he was a high school drop-out, and a cocky troublemaker who left home to work as a laborer in the Midwest. He may well have seen a chip off the old block, even if he wanted to penalize that same chip as a father.) My mother became unceasingly angry, undermining, etc. etc., to the point that it infuriated my father who was satisfied with a financial disownment, but a peaceful arrangement that papered over my abject failure.
Me? I loathed being with them even for a two weeks a year at the most, though I was always physically and socially on-the-dime. And when I was jobless and living in an SRO and eating a roll in the a.m. and a sandwich for dinner for a stretch, and during my year and some months there it never occurred to me to call them. My life got superficially better...but still a chronic shambles, most of which they were unaware. And this is going into my thirties. [I did a complete turnaround at forty, but that is beyond the focus of this thread.]
My thoughts about your situation, speaking from the viewpoint of the loser kid. Clearly you are in pain, but stop digging at this business of "What did I do?" I don't know from your post if you were a good, middling or flat-out lousy parent. But whatever it was, accept that the past is truly the past - it is cast in concrete, and for your own good (and maybe that of your daughter) shove it in the river. You cannot change one bit of it.
You didn't say how old your daughter is, or her life circumstances, but she's out in Adultland somewhere, I guess, and - again - you really can't "fix" her, and flagellating yourself for that impossibility would be useless to both of you. I wasn't the parent in my situation, I can only say my father drew back but remained very cordial with rare exceptions - that worked, and I think he was right for himself, for me. My mother was determined that I would be retooled to be a credit to her and to satisfy her needs, she was indomitable, and her motives were supremely selfish. What this kid did was hate her, then simply dislike her, then not care about her at all, and finally totally stonewalled her until her death. You seem to not be headed in that direction, which in my limited experience means that a door is open for both of you. Really, be grateful if you can do that.
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Disappointments are a fact of life. But it is really disheartening.
They sure are. And I'm sure you feel very low now. Not to get too airy-fairy about this, but the future is possibilities, maybe hers will turn out better than it appears. Mine did, from being a real mess. But, maybe not... it is a crap shoot of sorts. In the meantime, despite this painful point, life is a whole lot of people and things...don't get stuck completely on this. You have not said that she resents you or that there is ill-will between you two. I hope not. I do believe that there is something to be said for "wait and see." Out of her problems and mess she may find, or make, her own handle and turn in a different direction. You cannot do that for her, and I regret to say that. But you may be able to help that along a bit here and there as things go forward.
I turned out OK. There have been more twists and turns from the perspective of employment than I would have expected or liked - some my fault, others faults with the general and local economy.
Parents were disappointed that I didn't graduate college with something more "marketable" and that I took so long to graduate. While it took years to pay off and I wouldn't have messed around as much, I'm not sure I would go back in major in something like computer science. What I majored in fit me perfectly. A health related field or going to law school (what I always wanted to do)...maybe.
I'm definitely a little more free-wheeling and willing to take risks than my traditional upbringing and where I grew up would indicate. That's frustrated people over the years.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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My daughter and I are pretty much total opposites.
My son and I are more alike.
I love them both.
It helped when I finally figured out that I can't change her. She is who she is and I've accepted her as she is. I can't live with her full time but I can enjoy her on visits. She has a lot of my bio mom's tendencies but very much tempered with traits of both her dad and I. That helps tremendously.
My son has done well for himself and part of that is from watching his sister make some questionable decisions. In that respect, he is like me. I watched my bio mom make some doozies and I wanted to never be like her.
I'm sure I've made my mistakes as a parent. The only thing I can do now is love them and accept them as they are.
I know they both love me as it's shown over and over again. If I die tomorrow, there is nothing that has been left unsaid to regret. <3
I know I didn't, never been to jail, held the same job at the same employer for 33 years, never been divoice. Own my own house. I guess I was the rotten kid, never amount to anything
I often tell folks, My Two adult sons are still in a rebellion phase! They are deliberately turning out Better than I ever raised them to be. ! How dare they exceed my poor parenting mantras and be such wonderful sons, parents, spouses and community volunteers!
Yup by no means do I steal their thunder, they earned every good thing passed their way.
They are making the best of how "I " raised them...and turned it into a life lesson ...not to be repeated again.
When I think about, my ex and I did a decent job. They aren't jailbirds and they've always worked hard. My yougest son and I clashed a lot. There were times I was too hard on him, but he was equally hard on everyone else. My wife tells me that I must remember, the way he lived his life was his choice.
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