Decisions and need advice or your experience (grandparent, relatives, gift)

[cathwilms]

Originally Posted by AZgarden

I think you should concentrate more on "the things to do" rather than the climate. When you find your place to be involved, have friends, and get out of yourself, climate will not matter that much. JMHO

I have friends here and do get out when I can. As stated above, I have lupus, and though I can't be in the sun, love being outside. I paint furniture, (though smaller pieces now), and on canvas. I sew, write and read a lot. My lupus is worse in the colder months. My husband's arthritis is much worse in colder months too. He is very active in the warmer months until we hit the mid 90's with 90% humidity. Climate matters a lot to us.

If we moved to the location we are considering, there would be more for us to do and within walking distance to a lot of things we enjoy. Very few things to do in our town now.

[cathwilms]

Originally Posted by NYgal1542

First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your and your husband's health issues. That is a tough one for sure.

I've learned that I cannot depend on my kids for anything. My daughter and I, who lives only maybe 10-15 miles away from me, do not have a relationship. For over 30 years. We've had moments where it seemed we would work things out. But I was wrong.

My son lives in OK. His past is very difficult. And he has decided he does not want to communicate with me because apparently I've said too much.

My kids are in their 50s. And I am 75. I've heard my daughter hopes I die before her father (we have been divorced 34+ years).

This has all been very depressing and I've been depressed for years.

At this late date in my life, I know I can't live for them or depend on them for anything. I'm going to have to take care of myself. Sometimes I am very sad about that. But's it's life and I know I am not the only one with this situation.

I think your idea of having that talk with your kids, laying the cards on the table, so to speak, is a good one. And then do what you want to do..... move or not move. But take care of yourselves.

Good luck.

We have a great relationship with our daughter and granddaughters too. They are just very selfish and very much wrapped up in their own social life. Our daughter is divorced owns her own business, she is off weekends and on Monday. Occasionally, she may work some Saturdays at certain times of the year. Our oldest granddaughter works full time and goes to school and gets married in Nov/2018. We helped her get a new car when she graduated high school and have paid her car payments and insurance for 4 years. The youngest granddaughter graduates this year.

They come to within a mile of our house several times a week, but never stop by. Our youngest grand will come by on occasion, between classes, so short visit, but happy she came.

So not a relationship problem, it's just selfishness.

[cathwilms]

Originally Posted by skycaller23

If you don't see your family now when they live close then what would it matter if you lived further away ?
I don't think it matters where you live if your family is not dependable.

I agree with you on that. I can only base their future actions on their past actions.

[1insider]

I would also consider the very probable hurricane evacuations that you will likely have to deal with living in Myrtle Beach. As you age, those might not be worth the slightly warmer temps. You might consider far south Alabama and Georgia for warmer weather and relatively cheap assisted living facilities when that time comes. Excellent medical facilities and infrastructure in Dothan, AL and cheap cost of living.

[jrkliny]

Originally Posted by cathwilms

We have a great relationship with our daughter and granddaughters too. They are just very selfish and very much wrapped up in their own social life.......

This is a matter of perspective. Our adult children should be leading their own lives. That can mean raising their own kids, social relationships, careers, etc.


In this case I would say it sounds like you are the selfish one. Don't expect you adult kids to arrange their lives to take care of you or to substitute for your lack of activities and limited social life. Nor do our friends and relatives just stop by. They are likely to find us out of the house or busy.

[cathwilms]

Originally Posted by TheShadow

Myrtle Beach doesn't seem to be far enough away from NC to make much difference in temperatures. Maybe further south?

As far as your kids, if they aren't helpful now, they probably won't be in the future. If they don't help with little things, big things are probably WAY out of the question. You could certainly open this conversation with them. Let them know what you are having problems with, and things they might be able to do to help, and then see how they respond. If they don't step up, assume they will be no help, and move where you will be happiest.

You will probably need to figure out a way to either pay for help with the things you need help with, be sure to check with the local Area Agency for Aging, or whatever it's called in your neck of the woods. They have a lot of free/low cost resources they can hook you up with. Perhaps you can work out things with neighbors so you can swap assistance. For example, you could pet-sit for a neighbor (or walk their dog while they're at work), as needed, in exchange for them driving you to doctor appointments, etc. If you are a church-goer, many churches have assistance ministries. I knew of one church that even had automotive-help ministries for people with car problems and no money to fix their car, and many similar programs for other needs. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help. Many people would like to volunteer, but don't know how to be of service. If you have abilities/knowledge to offer in exchange (anything from cooking to after-school baby-sitting, helping kids with homework, accepting and holding their packages from UPS, offering any specialized advice you might have in things like gardening, etc) so much the better!

Good luck and best wishes to you both.

We have had this conversation many times. Actually, the last 2 years have been pretty difficult and they all knew it, but have actually helped us with something about 3 times. We downsized to a smaller home and had intentions of going back to SC then, but due to hubby's emergency back surgery, 2 wks before closing, we had to buy again here. I had to call my step-son, who lives in SC, to come and help me pack up garage things. My daughter and one granddaughter came once to help me pack stuff in house, for a couple of hours. They were rushing because they had "other" plans. This was a 3000 sq ft house. They didn't hesitate to come get 18 boxes of Christmas decorations and anything else I was parting with.

When I tell them we don't see them enough, they say they will be better at that, but it doesn't change. We don't visit them much because they are never home, and for past 19 months, I have had severe chronic diarreah, therefore need to be close to home, which they all are aware.

We make friends easily, young and older. Our garage is the hangout for the neighborhood. From kids age 10 to adults our age. Many of our friends are in their 40's and love hanging out with us. Living in SC wouldn't hinder us in that area, as we know people from both the areas we are considering.

[denimflyz]

In Nebraska, it gets in the below zeros, like -40s. This year, it's not a normal winter, but it still gets cold.
Like everyone mentioned, please go and do what you and yours wishes. Don't cling to pipedream wishes. I have pipedream wishes also, but will never become real.

[animalcrazy]

How about taking those ten years and living some place that makes you happy? You can't plan your life on a what if, especially a what if that is ten years away. I have a friend that is 71 and her husband is 78. They moved to Florida and their kids are scattered between where I live and one is 5 hours away. She talked about moving back here to be closer to the grandkids, but, she is much happier in Florida. She has many of the same concerns that you have. I told her the same advice. Stay where you;re happy and deal with the what if's when they arise. If ever. She decided to take my advice. I just spent a lovely week with her and her husband. I sure miss her now and that Filipino cooking I also recognize that she's right where she needs to be. I think in our age group we need to live for the moment more with an eye on the future.

[NYgal1542]

Karma. It's a word I've heard many times over the years. And usually it is because of someone else's behavior, etc.
Well I think Karma is real and I believe we all get to taste it one way or the other.
When I think back to when I was young, I did not have a great relationship with my parents, either. My father had been a violent alcoholic. My mother was the great enabler and expected my two sisters and me to protect her from him.
So when I got married, I put a lot of distance between them and me. And when it was evident how involved with alcohol my sisters were, I distanced from them, too.
No, it is not about alcohol. It is more about facing our own behavior.
What example did we show our kids as they were growing up? Did they know their grandparents? Did they hear you complain a lot? Were you expected to act like an adult when you were just a kid?
I am facing my truth now, and it is God's gift to me.
When you think about your kids..... are you re-enacting the behavior you learned? Is that why they appear to be selfish and unwilling to spend time with you?
Yes, this sounds harsh, but sometimes we need harsh to face reality.
We all need to step up to the plate at one time or another. None of us is perfect. We all made mistakes. Yes, we did.

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by jrkliny

In this case I would say it sounds like you are the selfish one. Don't expect you adult kids to arrange their lives to take care of you or to substitute for your lack of activities and limited social life.

I’ve often wondered if you have any idea how all-too-many of your comments sound.