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I do not do cold which is why I live in AZ. I have a close friend who lives in a 55+ mobile home park almost across the street from one of Ticson's medical centers. Her mobile home is maybe 40 feet by 8 feet. No, not a lot of room but her living conditions are very comfortable. The park is well kept and her expenses are very reasonable. Tucson does not have tornados, fires, hurricanes and rarely a thunder storm. You can safely live in a mobile home.
I would not advise anyone to depend on family for anything. If you have a caring family then good. If not, then live someplace where your expenses are as low as possible. A good climate helps that.
I’ve often wondered if you have any idea how all-too-many of your comments sound.
I said exactly what I meant. The Op is complaining about family members who are immersed in leading active lives. The Op needs to look at her activities and interests, rather than complain that all the relatives are selfish for not visiting frequently.
You may disagree, but several others gave me quick reps for my point of view.
That's my problem, I worry to much about the future. It's a curse! Our children are aware of our thoughts on this and they don't seem to have much input either way.
Sure, if there is a healthy relationship with ones children. That doesn't seem to be the case for the OP.
We get along great when we see each other. It's just a rare occasion and they live so close. I hear more from other people about what they are doing, than I do from them, or I read it on Facebook
This is a matter of perspective. Our adult children should be leading their own lives. That can mean raising their own kids, social relationships, careers, etc.
In this case I would say it sounds like you are the selfish one. Don't expect you adult kids to arrange their lives to take care of you or to substitute for your lack of activities and limited social life. Nor do our friends and relatives just stop by. They are likely to find us out of the house or busy.
I can certainly say, we are so not selfish. Never ask our kids for anything other than a visit sometimes. Didn't think a once a month visit from our daughter and granddaughters would seem selfish, when we live so close. One of the two sons who live in SC has visited about 4 times in 17 years. The other one has never visited us and he only works 14 days a month. I have seen our 3 yr old granddaughter twice, and we made the 5 hour trip.
I suppose it was selfish of us to pay for our oldest granddaughter's car and insurance for 4 years because her parents were going through a divorce and both claimed they couldn't help her. She works full time and goes to school and we wanted her to have a reliable vehicle. Two days later, her father buys himself a $50K vehicle just because he wanted it, trading in a 2 year old vehicle.
We have paid house payments and utilities for our daughter, bought groceries, appliances, and much much more. Have never asked for repayment of any kind. We did everything out of love for our children and grandchildren. I suppose it's selfish to ask for love in return.
Yes, they have their own lives and social calendar, but their parents should fit in that social calendar somewhere. We worked, raised 3 kids and we found the time to visit my MIL twice a week and drove to NC to visit my family every 3 months and I called them often. There was a time when I worked full time and went to school while taking care of kids and home, but never forgot about the people in my life who meant so much.
Thank you very much for your reply, but selfish, we are not.
How about taking those ten years and living some place that makes you happy? You can't plan your life on a what if, especially a what if that is ten years away. I have a friend that is 71 and her husband is 78. They moved to Florida and their kids are scattered between where I live and one is 5 hours away. She talked about moving back here to be closer to the grandkids, but, she is much happier in Florida. She has many of the same concerns that you have. I told her the same advice. Stay where you;re happy and deal with the what if's when they arise. If ever. She decided to take my advice. I just spent a lovely week with her and her husband. I sure miss her now and that Filipino cooking I also recognize that she's right where she needs to be. I think in our age group we need to live for the moment more with an eye on the future.
Thank you so much for that reply. I really needed to hear that story. I love Florida and would move there in a second, but hubby doesn't want to be that far away from family that we don't see. One of my best friends resides in Ormond Beach and when I have visited, I hate to leave. I do believe we need to be where we are happy and it has never been here, but we stayed mainly because of our daughter and granddaughters and cost of living is pretty cheap here, other than property taxes.
Karma. It's a word I've heard many times over the years. And usually it is because of someone else's behavior, etc.
Well I think Karma is real and I believe we all get to taste it one way or the other.
When I think back to when I was young, I did not have a great relationship with my parents, either. My father had been a violent alcoholic. My mother was the great enabler and expected my two sisters and me to protect her from him.
So when I got married, I put a lot of distance between them and me. And when it was evident how involved with alcohol my sisters were, I distanced from them, too.
No, it is not about alcohol. It is more about facing our own behavior.
What example did we show our kids as they were growing up? Did they know their grandparents? Did they hear you complain a lot? Were you expected to act like an adult when you were just a kid?
I am facing my truth now, and it is God's gift to me.
When you think about your kids..... are you re-enacting the behavior you learned? Is that why they appear to be selfish and unwilling to spend time with you?
Yes, this sounds harsh, but sometimes we need harsh to face reality.
We all need to step up to the plate at one time or another. None of us is perfect. We all made mistakes. Yes, we did.
We have always had a great relationship with our kids and grandchildren. We used to do lots of things together and when they need help with something, it is us who they call. We might not always agree on everything, but we have always been able to say that to each other as well, with no hard feelings. Have always had a very loving and fun relationship. My daughter was 6 when my mother passed away and my father passed away along time before she was born. The only real grandparents she had were my husbands parents, whom she loved spending time with them.
I had a terrible childhood, with both alcoholic parents and an abusive father. My mother later did stop drinking, but my father never did. I don't blame anything on my parents behavior, as I became an age where I could make my own choices and decisions of who I wanted to be. I made sure my kids heard the words, "I love you", every day. I didn't hear it or feel it from a parent until I was seventeen.
Hey op,
so in the last 5 years I have lost my wonderful husband of 29 years, my baby brother and one of my best friends to cancer. ALL before they turned 55.
That has taught me first hand that life is short and it is up to us to make our own happiness. Now you cannot change your children's behavior. for whatever reason, they have chosen not to participate in you and your husbands life.
So if it were me I would not move trying to be "closer" to your kids. Maya Angelou said it best "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". they have shown you who they are.
I would stay where you are and concentrate on doing what brings you and your husband happiness, as others have said investigate where you two can get the best help for aging and when you're life will be good.
I am so sorry for the empty spaces you must have in your heart. I lost my brother, MIL and a great friend all within a year. I certainly cannot imagine the loss of your husband, as mine is truly my best friend. I agree, life is so very short and we should live it fully and as happily as possible.
It is not just an issue of the kids stepping up to help. Do you really want to burden family members with elder care issues? Are they going to be of help when you need medical care, especially long term care? Your kids have their own lives and responsibilities.
Oh dear, you again!!!!
We do not burden our children with anything, nor do I want them to take care of us!! It would be nice in our older age, if we needed them, they would be close by and willing to help. When we are to old to climb the ladder to change the lightbulb on the porch, I suppose it would be absurd to call one of our children or grandchildren and ask if they can stop by, and do this for us, since they come to our area approximately 3 times a week on average! Not like it would be out of their way and take more than a few minutes!
And yes, it is an issue of the kids stepping up to help if we need it. Just like we stepped up and picked up grandkids from school and took them to school if we needed to. Gave them money and helped them in any way we could after they had left the nest. It's just caring, love and respect.
Sorry, but I want my kids and grandkids in our life and it's pretty obvious you either don't have any or just don't care whether you see them or not.
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I also recognize that she's right where she needs to be. I think in our age group we need to live for the moment more with an eye on the future.
