Young People Who Ruin Their Health & Expect Old, Retired People To Take Care of Them (community, state)
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Now I have heard it all!!! Rude to call a junkie a junkie!! "Substance abuser" so we don't hurt their widdle feelings! Give me a break.
The world is full of people who cope and dope, using a variety of substances. By far the most common addiction is alcohol, but nobody calls alcoholics junkies. You will find addicts holding jobs, coaching little league teams and running for political office. Some people are narcotics addicts because they have to be, some just keep it on the down low and don't let it ruin their lives.
I know it's hard to get specific advice, especially when the facts are so sketchy.
The person got bad lab reports and called me to say they wanted to "come home to die."
First of all, my house is not their home - they have been in and out of rehabs and sober living environments.
My question was wondering what to do if the person got really sick and had nowhere to go and had the expectation that I would take care of them. I guess it was very vague - it's a problem because there are a lot of people with addictions, who must be in dire straits medically sometimes - and I am guessing "the family" is expected to care for them.
I mentioned that I have done my share of caregiving, am old, and am female, and that females are often expected to do this (and any other) kind of caregiving that is necessary.
So I was asking for advice on a personal level and also stating what the society expectations seem to be.
Since this is the Retirement Forum, I was guessing there might be others with these issues or concerns. We know addiction is a huge problem - and people have families, ergo, why the silence from others who are either having or have had this experience?
Or maybe THIS particular demographic of elders is the rare breed that does not have "such" problems in their families - and for that, they can thank their lucky stars.
I have been in your situation a couple of times. The common thread between my two experiences was that both of them were bat**** crazy. In both cases, my firm line was, "I can't live your life for you."
People have a tendency to settle to their lowest energy state. If someone else can be talked into providing food and shelter, they won't bother. They live by manipulating others, and you are just one more victim on their sucker list. They will play on your emotions and try to make you feel guilty. It doesn't matter if you are a friend, a relative, or a social worker, the sob story will be the same.
I can't live your life for you, and don't feel sorry for you. It's up to you to make the decisions.
oh wow - nightengale! We are living this right now with a sibling
That ammonia buildup is so scary. Thankfully he has finally been placed in a veterans home where they know how to handle that. He is doing better, but we realize that the end is near.
Sorry to hear about your family member. My maternal grandfather died at the age of 52 when I was 8 months old from hemorrhage of esophageal varices caused by his alcohol abuse. It saddens me to this day that my grandfather's alcohol abuse took from me the opportunity to have my grandfather in my life. And according to my late mother this was my grandfather's biggest regret that his alcohol abuse would prevent him from seeing my older sister and I grow up but it was too late to do anything about it.
I have been in your situation a couple of times. The common thread between my two experiences was that both of them were bat**** crazy. In both cases, my firm line was, "I can't live your life for you."
People have a tendency to settle to their lowest energy state. If someone else can be talked into providing food and shelter, they won't bother. They live by manipulating others, and you are just one more victim on their sucker list. They will play on your emotions and try to make you feel guilty. It doesn't matter if you are a friend, a relative, or a social worker, the sob story will be the same.
I can't live your life for you, and don't feel sorry for you. It's up to you to make the decisions.
I would agree that the only way things will get better is if you make it so. Start saying NO.
I don't know how much of an issue this is - but it is something I am worrying about today.
I have a young relative who called yesterday with some bad test results - and said that they wanted to "come home to die."
The person is very dramatic and has substance abuse issues.
As an older woman, I have done my share of caregiving. I helped raise this person, and I managed the care of both of my parents - through illnesses to eventual demises. That caregiving went on for 11 years.
The person in question's lifestyle is negatively impacting their health.
The silent expectation in society is that women *should* just buck up and take care of whomever needs it.
I know there is no expectation that my ex-husband would ever have to take care of anybody.
I love this person whose health may be deteriorating due to the chosen lifestyle, and it would devastate me to hear of worse or emergency news, but I don't feel capable of caregiving at this point - and especially since the person has substance abuse issues and is difficult.
In an emergency, what would I do?
Where I live, hospitals dump old, infirm patients in wheelchairs on the streets in any kind of weather.
Also, this person would qualify for state medical insurance but refuses to follow through to obtain it.
What can I do? (And don't forget, I love the person so just forgetting them is not an option and they will come to me in crisis).
Imo....do nothing. This isn’t your problem. I have met and spoken to more people who get involved in other people’s drama and become part of the whirlwind that I simply wanna scream or laugh. Sometimes both.
You can love this person....but that doesn’t mean you need to put yourself in a position where your finances mental and physical well-being are affected by this persons bad lifestyle and life choices. This problem is theirs to deal with and fix.
I guarantee if you get involved there will be a future post written by you with the enfolding drama and asking why you got involved and how to get out of it.
First off - where did that expectation of taking care of people because you are a female come from?
There is no such thing.
Exactly!! I don't care what the statistics say. If someone of either gender can and will provide the right care or tough love great. If they can't, they can't.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-04-2019 at 07:32 PM..
I have been in your situation a couple of times. The common thread between my two experiences was that both of them were bat**** crazy. In both cases, my firm line was, "I can't live your life for you."
People have a tendency to settle to their lowest energy state. If someone else can be talked into providing food and shelter, they won't bother. They live by manipulating others, and you are just one more victim on their sucker list. They will play on your emotions and try to make you feel guilty. It doesn't matter if you are a friend, a relative, or a social worker, the sob story will be the same.
I can't live your life for you, and don't feel sorry for you. It's up to you to make the decisions.
That's my stance. Help to the extent that you can, but don't drag yourself into a ditch.
The common usage of that term is for heroin, and my relative is not a "junkie."
Someone up thread said it's just someone who is prone to addiction, but you would never call someone who smokes pot every day (say, for purpose of example) a "junkie."
It's just a very rude, disrespectful term.
People with substance abuse issues are "sick" (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically).
You will see interventionists and counselors who teach families how to establish real boundaries that lead the addict towards treatment and away from CODEPENDENCY. Maybe you would see yourself.
If you love this person, then push them towards treatment. Accommodating their dysfunction is not love at all. You have to ask YOURSELF what YOU are getting out of this dysfunctional relationship. Do you have a savior complex? Are you afraid of rejection or confrontation?
Drug treatment is readily available from many resources.
Nope: I've watched Intervention and the counselors are only there during the intervention.
I know a lot about "co-dependency" (the term has been recently criticized in scholarly literature - check it out).
Humans are interdependent AND there are healthy, and unhealthy ways to relate to people, family patterns, etc. It is very complex.
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Now I have heard it all!!! Rude to call a junkie a junkie!! 
