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When I was growing up in the 50's, my grandfather and grandmother lived with us. I knew other families where this was common, but you really do not see it as much today, I think.
It would really have to depend on the people involved.
Does the older generation ("the parents") understand that their kids are adults and will live their own lives and accept that without judgment or comment? No "Gee you and Bill sure got in late last night" or "You sure you're eating enough?" or "I don't know about those friends of yours who came by" or "You're going out? Who with? Don't go out at night by yourself" or "Oh, you bought a bottle of wine again?"
Does the younger generation ("the kids") have little kids themselves who are going to be loud or messy and annoying, or do they themselves have habits that might annoy the older generation like playing loud music, or might they see the parents as free babysitting?
Is everyone involved agreed on the same level of noise, people in the house, cleanliness, etc.? (Those seem to be the three biggest complaints I hear about in roommate issues.)
Does everyone have the same idea on how much "togetherness" is a good idea? One of the perils of living very near someone you know is that one may think that's a great excuse for the two to spend all their time together and if the other doesn't agree, it can get very uncomfortable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnrgby
I grew up in the 1960s - 1970s Balkans, where it was normal (due to shortage and cost of housing) for an urban couple to live with one set of parents (either own parents or in-laws), until the old folks died.
How was it decided which set of parents to live with? Did the other set ever feel slighted (or, the set they lived with feel put-upon)?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sand&Salt
It's cultural. Still the norm here. The old folks live with the kids and help out.
Nobody is homeless either. No nursing homes.
But I do wonder what happens when the old folks get too impaired...?
At some point, I imagine home health care workers would have to come in, unless one of "the kids" can quit a job to care for the parents.
It would really have to depend on the people involved.
Does the older generation ("the parents") understand that their kids are adults and will live their own lives and accept that without judgment or comment? No "Gee you and Bill sure got in late last night" or "You sure you're eating enough?" or "I don't know about those friends of yours who came by" or "You're going out? Who with? Don't go out at night by yourself" or "Oh, you bought a bottle of wine again?"
Does the younger generation ("the kids") have little kids themselves who are going to be loud or messy and annoying, or do they themselves have habits that might annoy the older generation like playing loud music, or might they see the parents as free babysitting?
Is everyone involved agreed on the same level of noise, people in the house, cleanliness, etc.? (Those seem to be the three biggest complaints I hear about in roommate issues.)
Does everyone have the same idea on how much "togetherness" is a good idea? One of the perils of living very near someone you know is that one may think that's a great excuse for the two to spend all their time together and if the other doesn't agree, it can get very uncomfortable.
How was it decided which set of parents to live with? Did the other set ever feel slighted (or, the set they lived with feel put-upon)?
At some point, I imagine home health care workers would have to come in, unless one of "the kids" can quit a job to care for the parents.
Neither my grandparents nor parents were nosy or intrusive - their separate rooms were literally separate planets. I do nor recall my grandparents or parents ever going to each other's room - the only family meeting place was the living room. The conversations were always about general subjects. Household repairs and finances were discussed, but other personal subjects were off limits. Uttering any of the sentences you mentioned would have been unthinkable in our home :-). Nobody was noisy, and everybody cleaned after themselves. Free babysitting was normal, I am my grandparents' flesh and blood.
Me and later my much younger brother were raised by the grandparents from the scratch, so never developed any habits that would annoy the grandparents. My grandparents felt to me much like the parents feel to kids in nuclear families, while my parents felt like much older siblings. I think much of the fact that both my brother and I were seriously good students and attained careers that we attained might have had to do with the fact that we were exposed so substantially, from the earliest childhood, to mental maturity of our grandparents - people in their 60s and 70s are off hormones, so tend to be more level-headed than people in their 20s, 30s and 40s :-).
How was it decided with which set of grandparents to live? As I already mentioned, it was overwhelmingly more frequently with the wife's parents. I am not exactly sure why, maybe because the wife is the one who bears children, and was happier with her own parents raising them than the in-laws. I do not remember anyone feeling either slighted or put upon.
Regarding grandparents getting too debilitated to care for kids, and actually needing care themselves, I mentioned this was in the 60s-70s, and in a non-prosperous country. Seniors with severe morbidities did not receive any type of aggressive treatment. People who were too disabled to live within the family scheme I described were also typically sick enough to die, considering the lack of aggressive medical measures. My grandfather with whom I lived did suffer a paralyzing stroke, and we did have caretakers come in to help out with bathing and mobilizing grandpa daily, for about two years (but that was just for a couple of hours per day. You don't really need "home health care workers" for anything, you only need someone strong to get a paralyzed person out of bed and into a tub). Grandma died suddenly (6 years after grandpa) while crossing street to get to a hairdresser (there was no autopsy, but she was a cardiopath, so it was probably a fatal arrhythmia), and never required any assistance.
My mother has something slightly similar to this now and it definitely benefits her in all ways. She is 76 and in moderately poor health. She saved literally nothing for retirement, so all she has is her $1200 Social Security check and a small pension of $200 per month from my Dad (he passed away suddenly 15 years ago). I live with my husband 35 miles away. My unmarried brother (45) and my unmarried son (31) both live with my Mom. It works for all three of them because neither of the boys could afford to live on their own, and Mom could not afford to keep up her small house without them. They pitch in for all household expenses (utilities, repairs, taxes, insurance, food, soap, etc.) and do the yard work and laundry. Mom cooks and does some housework. it gives Mom someone to talk to and they keep an eye on her health, and Mom actually likes when their younger friends come over and get a little rowdy (not fighting or yelling, but they do liven up the place). If it got to the place where Mom needed help with showering or using the bathroom, we would have to figure something out.
My Grandma lived for several years with her daughter and daughter's husband and late teens/early 20's niece. Their house was not set up properly for this and my grandma was nosy, bossy, needy, and often downright mean. Fully 80% of Granny's care fell on her granddaughter who was going to high school and then college and working part time all along. It was totally unfair but my Aunt insisted that Grandma live there instead of a nursing home. Eventually Grandma's health got so bad she had no choice but to move into the nursing home. By that time, she had come within an eyelash of ruining my Aunt's marriage and the mental and physical health of her own granddaughter. This was a bad situation from the start and never should have continued.
I think it can work out if, like others have written, everyone already gets along and agrees to boundaries. You would need the right people in the right house or houses.
I have this perhaps idealistic, old-fashioned notion that multiple generations in an extended family can live together under one roof (on separate floors) and it’s the best of all worlds. Everyone saves money. Nobody is lonely. Everybody helps one another out. No space goes to waste. The elders provide love and wisdom to the younger generation. Nobody ever has to eat dinner alone. The house is always in an immaculate state of repair.
But few people in my extended family seem to share that vision with me. Every time I suggest it, nobody shows any interest. What am I missing? Does anybody have personal experience with this, good or bad?
LOL, we would have killed each other. it's just not going to work for some families i suspect.
Easier to do back when people worked for one or two places in the same town their whole lives. Not so easy to move mom and dad with you as you chase jobs hither, dither, and yon. Also not so easy when kids are scattered all over the country now as opposed to living in the same town or at least no more than a couple towns away. Which ones are mom and dad going to live with?
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