Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think it depends on the individual situation. I'm one that said No. No way was I going to have my hard-won stable and happy life be turned upside down by the needs of a mother who was anything but nurturing. In regard to "family"----long ago I learned that blood is not necessarily thicker than water.
You can't judge other people's actions based on your own life experiences. Each of us has our own story to tell.
What you're saying is a prevalent issue I think. If the early family life wasn't too ideal, or far from it, who can expect that person to provide care later on? I respect that people know their boundaries in situations.
My 97 year old mom died a few weeks ago. She lived with me for the last ten years of her life. She was bed-bound for 4 years. Lots of work, but she was mom.
Every one of us here should have had the foresight to plan for our old age and diminishing physical abilities so that our children will not someday end up wringing their hands and saying "what are we gonna do with the parents"?
Yet, so many of my friends of retirement age seem to be hiding their heads in the sand and ignoring the fact that they are not going to continue their present level of activity indefinitely.
More than once have I heard someone say in regard to their refusal to declutter and simplify their belongings, "that's for the kids to deal with after I'm gone" .
This is one reason healthy people are justified in retiring. They may be needed in others ways than just earning a living.
The idea that retirement is the "pleasant reward" for a well executed career is a fairly new concept. A hundred years ago people only stopped their main workings because they were worn out physically (or mentally), or they had other demands on them and were too exhausted to work and also be a caretaker. Demands like raising someone else's kids, or caring for a dying parent or spouse. Be glad you are healthy enough to help a loved one.
Last edited by luv4horses; 10-29-2019 at 05:18 PM..
She can be placed in a nursing home. Then your mom can go see her there, but won't be responsible for every little thing.
If she doesn't want to go, then say - See Ya. Do not respond to her phone calls etc. She is an adult and has to realize that what she wants and gets is up to her.
Okay - that is the "mean" way of seeing things - lol.
Get her a person that comes in daily? What do they call them? Caretaker? This will give your mom some time off.
Aren't finances a huge concern with automatically deciding to put someone into a nursing home?
One either has the personal funds to pay for a nursing home out of one's personal pocket, or one needs to apply for Medicaid, if one qualifies, and rearrange personal finances to do so.
Having a home aide come into the grandmother's home for several hours per day or 8 hours per day (or more) could be arranged, if personal finances permit, but it does often cost around $20 or $25 per hour.
No idea what the finances are. House has been paid for for many years. He retired in 93 and took pension as a lump sum. She was a cook with the school system and retired in 1995. I’d assume her SS and state pension are fairly minimal.
You didn’t have to go to get her up. Your mom should have called an ambulance. Your mom and her sister must figure this out with their mother. Not your circus.
I know you love her but she isn’t your responsibility. Your parents will be your responsibility- and you will be woefully unprepared to help them if you don’t move to a more lucrative area and make more money instead of being complacent with being top whatever percent in your self described very low wage/cost of living area.
No we didn’t retire and become caregivers because my parents (both now deceased) planned well (as we are doing) , sadly my husband’s parents died young.
I was recently promoted and have a higher bonus target. I should hit $90k next year. I set my percentage for 401k contribution to max it out next year. My mortgage is $675/month. I live next to a 2,000 acre city park. I’m five minutes from a supermarket and restaurants, less than ten to downtown.
I’d need a big raise or some sort of other perk to move. Another $10k in Nashville won’t materially change my life. If things change here, I’ll reevaluate.
Ah, well, this does provide some much-needed perspective. Otherwise y'all sound like jerk-faces who would dump your ailing parent at the nearest senior slum as soon as you could.
It's more like, people realize that dementia is a disease which progresses to a point where one unqualified person cannot do all the care alone, and at some point, a facility equipped for care of people with these illnesses (or, 24/7 caregivers) is inevitable. It's understanding, even though Grandma doesn't, that things in her life are going to have to change, because it's *not* all the same. Falling down the stairs and busting your face open is not an acceptable way to live, and if OP and family don't either convince her that modifications need to be made, or put her into a place that is safer, it's entirely possible that eventually the courts will step in for her own good and make the choice for them all, because eventually the people at the hospital are going to say, "You can't keep letting this happen to her; it is not good care."
It's more like, people realize that dementia is a disease which progresses to a point where one unqualified person cannot do all the care alone, and at some point, a facility equipped for care of people with these illnesses (or, 24/7 caregivers) is inevitable. It's understanding, even though Grandma doesn't, that things in her life are going to have to change, because it's *not* all the same. Falling down the stairs and busting your face open is not an acceptable way to live, and if OP and family don't either convince her that modifications need to be made, or put her into a place that is safer, it's entirely possible that eventually the courts will step in for her own good and make the choice for them all, because eventually the people at the hospital are going to say, "You can't keep letting this happen to her; it is not good care."
What can you do? I doubt she will be declared legally incompetent or similar. It’s a major problem, but there aren’t many options for someone who is of even somewhat sound mind.
The memory issues are largely late at night.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
