Your marriage, what worked? what did not? (friendly, parenthood, get married)
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DH and I came from two completely opposite backgrounds. My mom was a serial marrier. She was married and divorced 4 times and had a couple of unmarried periods where she had long-term, or even live-in, boyfriends. We were very poor, and we moved around constantly. It was a freaking sh**show of a childhood. I was determined not to repeat that.
DH's parents met in college and were together until one passed after something like 58 years of marriage. They were solid middle class and stable. He never knew anything other than "marry and stick with it". We started dating when I was 38 and he was 43. When we married, after 8 years together, he was terribly worried. I think he was scared of the "forever-ness", but I got us through it. We were casual friends of friends from 1984 to 1997, when we had our first date. I think the long-term knowledge of just exactly who we both were before dating helped inform our relationship.
We were casual friends of friends from 1984 to 1997, when we had our first date. I think the long-term knowledge of just exactly who we both were before dating helped inform our relationship.
Steadiness wins the race.
I recalled someone who says if the initial romance is like a flame, if it's a flash then it may go out quickly because it's not sustainable.
I also heard a Pastor using an analogy of guitar strings with a marriage. A guitar has 6 strings, each string represents a relationship that brings both of you together. If romance is the only string, then a marriage makes a pretty monotonous music and over time you may be bored with it. But if you have others that tie you both together, such as common values, common goals, faith, friendship, and extended family ties, etc. then together you make a harmonious music together in your marriage.
Keep showing up. Don't walk away. Unless there are clearly problems like abuse, broken trust/communication. The romantic fantasy of being continuously 'in love' is mostly a myth (although I do believe some couples seem to have that experience). Marriages/partnerships have several stages, chapters, and rhythms. It's not always going to be easy or magical, but in between the growing pains, there are good times.
Keep showing up. Don't walk away. Unless there are clearly problems like abuse, broken trust/communication. The romantic fantasy of being continuously 'in love' is mostly a myth (although I do believe some couples seem to have that experience). Marriages/partnerships have several stages, chapters, and rhythms. It's not always going to be easy or magical, but in between the growing pains, there are good times.
Married at 18 and divorced 3 years later because he cheated. 2nd marriage lasted 22 years until our youngest was 18. He was too controlling and bossy. 3rd marriage we lived together 6 years and married for 17. This was my happiest one for a long time. However as the years went on he became incredibly lazy, irritable and he was a serial cheater. None of them wanted a divorce. Now happily single with a great group of friends and my kids. I love living alone with my 2 dogs. I have as busy a life as I want yet only have to take care of myself and my dogs.
1. Started out as a two income family. After the first of 3 children were born my wife was a stay at home Mom for 15 years. When the youngest was 12 she went back to work part time.
2. There was no head of household, we were always equals, but we did have separate areas of responsibility. I took care of the finances, and anything mechanical like making home or car repairs or maintaining the yard. She did the majority of the work in taking care of the children, the cooking and cleaning in the house. Major financial decisions and decisions about raising the children were made jointly.
2. All the finances and assets were owned equally by both of us. It was all our money. I made the investment and refinance decisions, juggled the credit cards to stay afloat. We didn't see financial daylight until we were in our mid 50's.
3.We keep the romance alive by never going to sleep angry, feeling free to criticize each other, being honest and affectionate with each other, and maintaining an enjoyable sex life.
4. My wife was a stay at home Mom for 15 years so she had the majority of work raising the kids. But I got involved after work and on the weekends, helping with homework, disciplining them, reading them bed time stories, going to school events, scouts, little league, etc.
5. The main thing that made it work was we were in love and still are.
We liked each others' looks and personalities and still do.
We never tried to change each other, and have been tolerant of each others habits.
No one is the boss.
We never argued about or disagreed about money.
We were on the same page about kids.
We were on the same page about where and how to live.
We can argue and forget about it when the argument is over.
When we do argue we know when to stop and call a truce.
If one of us is completely opposed to anything, the other will go along, even if it's something they wanted.
We each have our own friends, interests and routines, and we give each other the space to pursue them.
We have always had a cat and/or a dog and are animal lovers.
We are affectionate.
We enjoy our sex life.
We never take each other for granted.
We respect and care about each other.
We are both religious but don't go to church.
We never had any big goals, just took everything as it happened and worked at it. It all worked out.
We've been together 49 years and married for 48. So far, so good.
I sent this to my husband, and we both laughed as it is us exactly!
Couldn’t have written it any better or more accurate as to why our 40 year marriage has worked and thrived.
TRUST and RESPECT has to figure in big time to all successful marriages.
I think your premise is faulty. More precisely, the only way people learn about marriage is by making their own mistakes. You have to live it to really get it.
There is nothing so unique about marriage that it alone cannot be learned to some degree vicariously. That people see no value in the advice of other generations is likely behind its abysmal performance.
We were both young and irresponsible, I don't think either of us realised the need to be totaly commited to our marrage.
I wish I had a 2nd chance
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