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Married 26 years here. For me, the most critical thing is honest, open and candid communication. This is how trust is built, which is also critical in any committed relationship. We pool our money and make decisions jointly. She's a bookkeeper by trade and is better at handling the details than I am. We worked out a budget and stuck to it. One of the more unpleasant issues we've dealt with is meddling relatives. We wound up moving because of this. (Not getting into details) Moving actually killed two birds with one stone for us. We were discussing legal alternatives and we realized we could give ourselves a boost by eliminating our state income tax and moving to New Hampshire with a lower cost of living, where our jobs were, with much less of a commute and be closer to where we liked to vacation.
As she made more money than I did, I became a part time stay at home Dad, which allowed me the chance to develop a deep bond with my son. Her parent's graciously offered part time day care which was a huge assistance.
As for romance, it helps if you're the romantic type. I popped the question on a July 4th fireworks display. When it was over, just as people were starting to leave I pulled her back down and said "There's one more sparkler for you to see". Then I was on one knee offering a 2 carat diamond which had been a family heirloom for several generations. I like to have flowers sent to her office with a card "for no reason" or a sweet, sappy poem. Once in awhile I'll either take her to a pawn shop or jewelry store and have her pick something out or if she lingers over something I'll note it and come back in a day and buy it for her. I know her style well and sometimes just go and get something I think she'd like.
Anyone remember "Game of thrones"? When Kal Drogo was calling Danerys Targaryen "My moon and stars" I gifted her with gold moon and stars earrings. ...and addressed her as such when presenting them to her after dinner at a nice restaurant. Cheesy, yes. She loved it anyway.
What doesn't work is making demands, disrespect and violence in any form. Avoid these behaviors, be respectful and attentive and you'll never worry about infidelity.
In 26 years we have never so much as called each other a hurtful name, much less raised a hand or thrown things.
I began to believe that I would be single for life as I approached 50. Afterall statistically the chance of getting married after 50 is nil to zero.
So I focused on doing the things I enjoyed such as going offshore fishing. It sounds like a cliche but it's true for me, just when you're least expecting it, it happens.
So don't be looking for love in all the wrong places.
When I first got commissioned in the service, I set up a mental protocol not to get married in my first 2 years. "YOU? Married?" was the look from my comrades but even I recognized that anyone could fall head over heels in love.
But now, so many decades after the Cold War, I see it as extremely unlikely. A, B,........and then C.
A: No one is knocking at my door, sending me love letters on an arrow. It could very well be my full combat suite makeup but my defence matrix does seem to cause "Those whose feel me near, close their blinds and change their minds.".
B: The side effects from having been in the intelligence business includes "Why is this person interested in me? What brought us together?" Nothing is taken as plain innocent.
C: Having lived alone so long, my life has adjusted to that and is not likely to change. A herd of cats, for example.
......and then, there is D: One of my never met with boytoys observed my lack of success as this: "They just want a simple romp in the hay.......and you hit them with such intensity to send them screaming for the hills!"
B: The side effects from having been in the intelligence business includes "Why is this person interested in me? What brought us together?" Nothing is taken as plain innocent.
That's another reason why I turned down a job offer into the intelligence community. Not that I am not patriotic.
I've been told that any potential relationship would needed to be vetted by the government. She would also need a clearance due to my clearance level.
One marriage, 42 years and counting.
Single income household until the youngest reached Middle School.
Complete honesty with no secrets.
Similar backgrounds, similar intelligence, same tough college.
Joint decision making.
We don't always agree 100% but that is OK with both of us. (bothers her more than me)
That's another reason why I turned down a job offer into the intelligence community. Not that I am not patriotic.
I've been told that any potential relationship would needed to be vetted by the government. She would also need a clearance due to my clearance level.
Then there's always the paranoia like yours.
Not really paranoia, just the way that world worked, from tactics the KGB used to groom a patsy to what the information security regulations said about contact with a citizen of a Warsaw Pact country and then listed EVERYTHING that constituted contact. When I found out that a girl in my belly dancing troupe was an immigrant from such a country, I knew what the regulation said, knew there was no way around it, knew I had to report it to NIS, knew I had to tell the Navy world that I was belly dancing. The "good" thing was that I was one step down from NIS so I didn't have to go through my command to report it. In the security interview, the agent asked me how was this contact initiated, did they seek me out. From there, I learned.
Being in a world where someone is always looking over your shoulder, be it work or relationships, can be nerve wracking at times.
What works? Each person is getting their major needs, wants and/or desires met. Each person may have minor needs, wants and/or desires not being met, but as long as the major ones are being met ... you can ride it out ... most of the time in happiness.
I call the above similarities or friendship. The more major similarities you have, the easier marriage works.
What doesn't work? When major needs, wants and/or desires is not being met. Maybe at one time it was being met, but something changed.
Not really paranoia, just the way that world worked, from tactics the KGB used to groom a patsy to what the information security regulations said about contact with a citizen of a Warsaw Pact country and then listed EVERYTHING that constituted contact. When I found out that a girl in my belly dancing troupe was an immigrant from such a country, I knew what the regulation said, knew there was no way around it, knew I had to report it to NIS, knew I had to tell the Navy world that I was belly dancing. The "good" thing was that I was one step down from NIS so I didn't have to go through my command to report it. In the security interview, the agent asked me how was this contact initiated, did they seek me out. From there, I learned.
Being in a world where someone is always looking over your shoulder, be it work or relationships, can be nerve wracking at times.
Some of these security rules makes sense in "fly over countries" but borders on ridiculous in major cities especially near the border.
In one of my security briefings, the security officer ran down the routine instructions. When it get to the part that you should report if there's any "foreign contacts", I raised my hand and asked "you're kidding, right?". The security officer replied why would I kid? I responded we are in Southern California, every time I go into a fast food store (Taco Bell, Wendy, McDonald's), I've made contacts with foreign nationals. Do you expect me to report it? That's when the back tracking starts with caveats of "only if.... Yada, yada..." oh but that's not what your original instructions said. They made it purposely vague so when you ask questions you'll volunteer additional information & they can go down that rabbit hole.
That's the thing, if I had accepted that job every time I go on a date with a girl with Mexican descent, or someone from Eastern Europe, or from Asia, the same paranoia will be on my mind and knowing full well that at some point I would need to report this. That alone would hold me back from emotionally invest in a potential relationship. I also knew in advance that all my phones will be tapped & recorded. I therefore concluded that's not the lifestyle I wanted to live in.
Last edited by HB2HSV; 12-02-2021 at 03:46 PM..
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