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Oh, I tried that once. I quit a job I hated that was making me miserable. By then we were living out in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't find another job. Since HE was now the only one making money, he wouldn't let me buy anything, not a lipstick, not a pair of socks. He got a girlfriend, I left.
Women had better be capable of earning their own living. Even if he hadn't been a cheat, what if he had died and I had never worked? If you don't work they can try to control you.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66
Marry your best friend, who you also are sexually attracted to. I've known only two couples in my whole life who said that they did just that, and they are still going strong. One coworker -- who I worked with for years -- said that she was scared to death as she was walking down the aisle. They were close friends, and she knew he was a great guy and would make a great father -- but she wasn't in love with him. 15 years later she said that she was not only in love with him but that the love just kept growing. The other one -- she or her husband called every work day on lunch breaks, even if they only had time to say "I love you." Believe me, it wasn't for 'show'.
...L
Good advice. Of the seniors we volunteer with (Greatest generation) There is / was an exceptional QoL and bond. One couple had daily letters written by each for 3 yrs of war assignment !!! / away from home. Others were dairy farmers. WORKING very hard and stressful, Side by side from 4AM until midnight 7 days / week (and then sleeping together) At age 95 they were very bright lights in our lives. The still sang to each other daily, wrote poems, and played Yahtzee. They teased each other as if they were still in Jr High. And they laughed together a LOT!
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland
Oh, I tried that once. ...Since HE was now the only one making money, he wouldn't let me buy anything, not a lipstick, not a pair of socks. He got a girlfriend, I left.
Women had better be capable of earning their own living. Even if he hadn't been a cheat, what if he had died and I had never worked? If you don't work they can try to control you.
I had to pull teeth to get DW to serve her 24 SS qtrs and the moment she achieved that. Poof, GONE from the workforce. Excellent, excellent worker who bosses abused terribly (include this boss ). We took a 12 week vacation 1 yr after married. Got home and at 9AM break, she called and said I QUIT (after company had saved our jobs for us). That was IT!.
Now... nearing SS age, I can't imagine the gravy of having (2) full SS checks. It would be heavenly. But, not the case in our case.
Still coping... as I was when making $2.65/ hr and suporting family and a disabled parent. Working 3 jobs during my entire career obviously was a 'marriage saver'. 'Grumpy' was never home , every vacation was a honeymoon.
Retirement = plenty of SPACE and different interests. Lots of solo travel.
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Originally Posted by HB2HSV View Post
Tell us about your marriage, what worked? what did not?
Seldom home together, when together very seldom fought (too tired, too poor)
Commitment - no options but to see each other through tough times, and there were / are a LOT of tough times, still
Specifically:
Were you a one-income or two-income household? How did that turn out?
ONE and only ONE... SAHS was a very thrifty soul and committed to giving everything away to the needy, so we never were with want or overflowing with plenty.
Is/was there a "head of household" where one clearly makes major decisions, or jointly make the decisions, or disagree on key major decisions?
Nope! We are life partners who always make joint decisions. Disagreements were resolved with compromises and/or better persuasion skills ;-) (thx, this just fits)
Finances - how does/did your household handle it?
Being the more left-brained person, I handle all financial matters. My DW is very glad to have a live-in CFO. I had to always keep an eye on the Check book balances... $10, $1000, $100,000 are all the same thing ("Zeros are nothing!"). Our money management methods are polar opposite. Makes for interesting discussions when buying homes / commercial properties / taking vacations....
Romance - how do/did you keep it alive after decades of marriage?
We are not outwardly romantic people. Our love for other have continued to deepen over the years and more so in our 'golden' years - there are not too many more together-years left!, thx, ths fits
Children - Was both spouses involved in raising the children, or was one spouse busy working and the other get stucked in raising the children?
Both (homeschooled and the working spouse worked nights and weekends so we could farm during daylight, volunteered as a family in public schools and homeless shelters to give kids a weekly 'reality check'
Finally:
What made it worked, didn't worked? What was/is the root cause?
Not DEMANDING from either side. Respect of the person, skills, space, intellect, contribution (and putting up with each other
...
Be a friend ALWAYS and FIRST.
We are not our own, and we are just passing through.
Life on Earth and together is temporary.
Life is fragile... Handle with care.
life is fleeting.
Tomorrow? Better be rich and respectful today.
42 yrs and not counting (been on borrowed time since we said 'I-Do'.)
I think the number one characteristic of a long term, happy, marriage is commitment to the marriage by both partners. After that is the love between the two.
If the marriage is viewed as precious by both husband and wife, it is more likely to survive, than if one or both are iffy about their commitment. I do think that love comes before commitment. But during times when love frays about the edges a bit, the commitment carries you through, till you fully regain the feelings of love.
Commitment entails respect and fidelity.
As to other things the OP mentioned, in our case, one of us has strengths where the other has weaknesses. We have always divided our duties. His knowledge and talents are not mine! So, I’ve always regarded us as a team. He feels the same.
I will never forget the literal pain in my heart 20 years ago, as I sat in the hospital waiting room as my DH underwent bypass surgery. The feeling of his vulnerability, and the precariousness of his life was very real then. I still feel the extreme value of our union. Our retirement years have been a gift to our relationship, bringing us even closer.
I think your premise is faulty. More precisely, the only way people learn about marriage is by making their own mistakes. You have to live it to really get it.
I don't agree with this, or that the only way to "know" about marriage is through mistakes.
I have a perfect marriage (like, it's disgusting) and it didn't come from trial and error.
I certainly agree you learn from your mistakes (I am no exception) though.
My standards changed and I stopped caring about having a relationship, and poof....3 months later my spouse walked into my life.
I think what also worked for us. Married 45 years. Both of our parents were married until they died. So we had great role models for what works. Our parents each had different type of marriage. My mom never worked after she married. My mother in law worked until they adopted their sons. When my hubby started school his mom went back to work and happily worked until she retired. Sadly, she died 6 months after she retired at the age of 64.
I love reading all the stories. We were married at 20 and 21. People thought we were too young and wouldn't make it. My dad told me....I never worry about you. You always manage to land on your feet.
Sure we struggled through unemployment but I could not ask for a better partner.
I think what works is shared values. We both came from stable families, so we have tools to roll with the punches in life.
I respect my husband for his work ethic, and he respects me for what I bring to the relationship. We have each other’s back.
Stable background/similar upbringing can be a big one. When I was younger, I didn't think that mattered and married twice to working-class blue-collar guys that I respected greatly for other reasons. One a tech-genius and one a backwoods survivalist. Both Alpha-type strong guys.
That ended up working against me, as we did not share the same values. They were both jealous of my stable white-collar family. So eventually I had to leave them.
DH had the same background as I and we just "mesh". We see everything the same. We've both been entrepreneurs most of our life but also did low-pay work when necessary. He is NOT an Alpha male, lol. He loves and appreciates my family.
We both worked all our lives but neither wanted kids, so life was simpler in that respect. We share duties without discussing it. He does much of the cooking and housework (but we have maids too) since he was a bachelor until 50. That's a plus. We share the bill-paying. I do what little planning/organizing there is in retirement.
So, married for 41 years but to 3 different guys, lol.
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). We took a 12 week vacation 1 yr after married. Got home and at 9AM break, she called and said I QUIT (after company had saved our jobs for us). That was IT!.
full SS checks. It would be heavenly. But, not the case in our case. 
, every vacation was a honeymoon. 
