Moving in SF (house, refrigerator, to buy)

[JennStar]

Hi all,
This is not your typical post about moving in SF. My husband and I are moving into his family home and this has become quite daunting. The reasons for moving in there are two-fold. First, we need to find a cheaper place to live in SF. Not something unfamiliar for many people who are moving. The second is, my husband's mother is not well, and we can be there for her.
But now things have become complicated. We already knew we were going to be updating the area we would be moving into. This is going to cost some money, but worth it in the long run, for us and for the bills in the house (heating, electric bills, etc.).
There was a lot of his brothers' and sister's belongings in the area we would be moving into and gave them notice ahead of time to remove them so we could get it fixed up. Some of his siblings had lived in this area and left some of their stuff there. The notice to clear their stuff out had been given months ago, but nothing happened. They dragged their feet on this matter. Some of it was cleared out, but quite a bit remained and so did the trash. I had gone there and helped my husband remove some of it on one occasion. My husband was rightly frustrated and stressed out by it, and we already had the date set to have the contractor come in and start the work.
My husband went in the other day and took the stuff out in garbage bags with the help of a sibling, (which I messages asking whose stuff was up there and that they were going to start work that weekend. And they did have prior notice of that). I wonder if I had not done that, my husband may have been doing it himself. They put the stuff in the garage.
Now I get a message from his sibling saying that something needs to be done about getting the stuff removed because they had difficulty getting the garbage bins out on garbage day. Well, did they put all any of that stuff out for garbage day? My husband may have put the bags of trash out, but not all because the stuff inside the bags belonged to his siblings and they needed to go through it.
I read this message sent to me about the bags in the garage thinking, now it is left up to me? This is not my stuff, how do I take responsibility for their stuff when they should have done this already? Am I suppose to call someone to go there and pick it up and pay for it? It irks me to no end that his siblings drag their feet to get this stuff out of the area we are going to live in when it could have been done earlier and the trash taken away. On top of that, they have a lot of stuff already in the garage that have been there for years, and my husband had asked them to get their stuff out and his sister also has asked them to do the same thing before Christmas. But no, nobody does anything. I realize people have lives, jobs and kids, but they also have their own homes and garages to put their stuff into. It also irks us because we would have liked to put some of our stuff in the garage when we move there, but can't because not space is available and so we have to get a storage unit. This is not fair to us, since most of the what is being fixed up is going to be our cost.
It also irks me that they didn't bother to add insulation to the attic for decades. We are paying for that. They did some improvements to improve their mother's quality of living, but I would have thought that insulation would have been key, so their mother isn't freezing all the time, having a portable heater on a lot and paying higher electric and heating bills. My husband decided to have the insulation done, so we won't freeze living there.
The thing is, I have little control over anything going on. Now this is thrust unto me to get rid of these bags? I have had my share of work packing up the whole place since my husband has been dealing with getting the other place ready, moving out bags of stuff, putting stuff into our storage unit, etc. It will be a change for us to live there. We will have to buy another refrigerator and put it in the garage, as his mother's is full, and there is no room for our food. The one that was in the garage crapped out.
My husband's siblings are nice people, very nice to me but I think they need to take better care of the house in which they grew up in. They have made some improvements over time, but it is an old house and some of the more necessary improvements should have been done already.

[Hemlock140]

I'm not aware of the financial situation, and it's probably none of my business, but it seems that if you are taking advantage of the opportunity to live in a home belonging to someone else, you would be the one to make any needed repairs and/or upgrades. I agree that if the siblings were still living there and did nothing to contribute to the maintenance they were being irresponsible, but if it was only the parents, and none of the children, including your husband contributed to the upkeep, it was really not their responsibility. That being said, I spend several weekends every year helping do maintenance and other work at my parents home despite being 3 hours away, simply because they can't afford to pay someone to do it and I want them to be comfortable and safe. As for the "stuff" left by the siblings, you could give them a reasonable deadline to have it gone, or take it to the dumps. The potential issue I see though, is antagonizing people who may be in a position to determine the disposition of the home when the elderly parent goes to assisted living and eventually passes away, depending on the will, or if none, the probate court. I have seen similar situations turn into a nightmares with family torn apart in the past with similar situations, including the homes of one set of grandparents, my father, and my wife's parents.

[clongirl]

This seems like a question for Dear Abby...if there was actually a question in there at all?? I can't tell.

[JennStar]

Originally Posted by Hemlock140

I'm not aware of the financial situation, and it's probably none of my business, but it seems that if you are taking advantage of the opportunity to live in a home belonging to someone else, you would be the one to make any needed repairs and/or upgrades. I agree that if the siblings were still living there and did nothing to contribute to the maintenance they were being irresponsible, but if it was only the parents, and none of the children, including your husband contributed to the upkeep, it was really not their responsibility. That being said, I spend several weekends every year helping do maintenance and other work at my parents home despite being 3 hours away, simply because they can't afford to pay someone to do it and I want them to be comfortable and safe. As for the "stuff" left by the siblings, you could give them a reasonable deadline to have it gone, or take it to the dumps. The potential issue I see though, is antagonizing people who may be in a position to determine the disposition of the home when the elderly parent goes to assisted living and eventually passes away, depending on the will, or if none, the probate court. I have seen similar situations turn into a nightmares with family torn apart in the past with similar situations, including the homes of one set of grandparents, my father, and my wife's parents.

Hemlock.
The thing is, we did give a reasonable deadline and they didn't do anything. My husband is the one giving deadlines. He will have to give them another deadline to remove the bags. Why should we be taking their stuff to the dump, when it is not our stuff? They don't live there anymore, they should get their stuff out of there and put it into their own garage or dump it. And yes, it was agreed that we would be paying for what is being fixed as it is going to be our living space. In the past, when the siblings lived there, they did do some maintenance. They still do some maintenance since they moved out years ago. I am just surprised that a 100-year old house still has no insulation. This would definitely improve their mother's quality of living, keeping her from being cold all the time. We are also having another bathroom put in, as there is only one.
We are not antagonizing anybody. My husband has sat down with his brothers and sisters and gone over the plan. We gave deadlines and they didn't do anything. We then told them ahead of time that we had the contractors coming in that weekend and the stuff had to be out so the carpeting could be installed. They still dragged their feet so they had to be alerted to the fact again before the weekend came. We were nice about it too, and thanked them for their assistance for getting the stuff out of the living area we would be in.
The elderly mother would probably stay in the house. Assisted living is not the issue at this time. There is a living will that states that we can live there after her death. Since this document has been drawn up and notarized, there have been siblings who moved back in and moved out, leaving their stuff behind.

[likealady]

You call them up and tell them if they don't come pick up their belongings by x date, you'll be throwing them in the trash. Give them a hard deadline, it's getting trashed. Tough love. If they dont come, trash it and move forward with renovations.

If they whine to you, you can tell them you gave them x amount of chances. Yeah it's not your job, but if you weren't moving in and making changes then they wouldn't have to do this.

[JennStar]

My husband has said that already. A new deadline will be put into place. The thing is, we are trying to process our moving, we shouldn't be responsible for taking the time and the effort to take their stuff to the dump, or hiring someone to come and haul it away. Is there someone who picks up trash for free? Do we have to schedule for Ecology to have truck come and take it away?