Deciding to move away from Family (in NJ) to CA - Need advice (schools)

[confused719]

Hi,

I'm really struggling right now to figure out what decision makes most sense for me and my husband. We are still newlyweds and I feel the toll and stress of this next big decision weighing on us.

So background first - we met out in the Bay Area about 4 years ago. Both of our families live on the East Coast, about 2.5 hours apart from each other. My brother has since moved to LA and my parents are thinking of retiring there. My husband's family, however, are all permanently in NJ and no signs of moving.

My husband is now in grad school in upstate NY and we are deciding where to move. I lived in the Bay Area my entire adulthood life and I really can't see myself being anywhere else. With that being said, my husband, although he does like the Bay Area, wants to be closer to family.

I am not familiar at all with NJ, and with no family there, I am really hesitant to do this. I still have a pretty good job on the West Coast (was able to work remotely temporarily) so if we move to the East Coast, I'd have to quit my job and find something else. I feel like I'm being selfish by wanting to be back in the Bay Area, but at the same time, I feel like I'd have to give up everything - job, friends, lifestyle, to be on the East Coast. Plus my family no longer will be there.

I need advice to help with this decision. I feel like either way we choose, someone is going to be very unhappy. How do we make this choice?

[Coldjensens]

We did something very simlar. It is great while you are DINKS. However once you have kids, it does nto work out so well. You will want the support and aid of family members. California is very transient. So even if some people move near you, there is a very good chance they will move away after a while.

When you first move, it is nto that big a deal to go back for a visist. Once you have children it gets very difficult and expensive.

Move while you are still young DINKS but plan to move back when you have children. One thing we learned the hard way, do not deprive his parents of their grandchildren, you will eventually regret it. The possibility that your parents might move to CA is meaningless. We had that same possibility. 20 years later, it is still a possibility that my wifes parents could move there. The reality is that it will probably never happen. Base your decisions on reality, not on possibility or what you hope may happen.

[HSVbulldawg]

I grew up in a town over 1,000 miles away from most of my extended family, and we were fine. We had no one in town for my parents to rely on, but they made it through and don't regret their decision for a single minute. Living near family while raising children can be nice, but raising your children in an area that you both enjoy living in is also important. Other important factors are quality of schools and opportunities for your children to learn outside of the classroom. I don't think family should be the sole or even a main factor in where you decide to live unless it's important personally to you.

[Rexicana]

We just moved across the country to be closer to family, and found out, unfortunately, they were pretty happy with the amount of contact they had with our kids when they were seen only intermittently. It is not that they do not like them, it is just that they are not the type of family to help out so much. So, we had nurtured a huge community of friends in CA and miss it greatly now. We are starting to build a community again here, but our family hardly ever visits.

So, the moral of the story is, for us it is best to be where we feel happiest. All the rest will fall into place around that. (Now if you know you have the other kind of family, then it may be different . . .)

[t_thibaud]

If both of your sets of parents live on the East Coast, then move back there. You don't know when your parents will move to CA, so that's only hypothetical at this point: your parents are all on the East Coast. You should not underestimate the importance of having family nearby. If you choose to have kids, parents nearby can greatly ease what would otherwise be a damned hard, lonely slog without any support. It's insane how we live in this country, thousands of miles from the only people who really care about us and our children. Trust me, having grandma nearby is worth far more than California sunshine.

And even if you don't intend to have kids for many years, don't underestimate how important family will be in these troubled times. They're the only support network that really counts, and your marriage will have its share of rough patches, esp if one or both of you faces any kind of economic duress in the near future.

[FiftyFiftyAboutCO]

Originally Posted by t_thibaud

If you choose to have kids, parents nearby can greatly ease what would otherwise be a damned hard, lonely slog without any support. It's insane how we live in this country, thousands of miles from the only people who really care about us and our children. Trust me, having grandma nearby is worth far more than California sunshine.

My best friend's kids talked her into retiring early because they wanted a full-time babysitter. So after 40 hard years of working and raising 4 kids on her own (her husband was a wino who died at 49 and never worked), she had 5 short years of "retirement" taking care of grandkids. She was not in good health at all, but she was "grandma" and those selfish grown kids of hers could only see her value as a babysitter.

My point is you guys are only talking about what's best for this couple, NOT what's best for the future grandparents. When you get to be 18, you should be able to go out in the world on your own and make your own way, not use "family" as a crutch. I had family at one time, but moved away (from NJ) at age 20 anyway -- and never regretted it or looked back. If you're old enough to marry, then it's time to grow up - especially if you plan on having kids yourselves. Don't make permanent babysitters out of your parents after they've worked all their lives. They deserve to lead their own lives too, spending their retirements enjoying themselves, not raising kids again.

[sissy910]

Live where you can both be happy and where ever you agree on. However, I agree that once you have kids, it would be MUCH easier to be closer to family. It would be better for everyone involved.

My husband and I currently live in the Bay Area, CA and are looking to move more East to be closer to family. California is a wonderful State with much to offer, but we now have 3 kids and would LOVE to be closer to family.

[Luke9686]

The first thing I would do is talk to the other person. Get all the feelings out there. Discuss how you both feel about each location, and what's most important to you. To some people being close to family is very important. To other's not so much.

I wouldn't be so quick as to say living close to family is using them as a crutch, like previously stated. Living close to family to enjoy weekends with them, holiday's, being there for each other is different than using them as babysitter's. There is a huge difference.

Bottom line: Talk. Find out what you both want/need and go from there. Also, look at things realistically. Are your parents really going to retire in LA? Have they stated that, ever so slightly, and it's being used as a catalyst in your rationale??? Maybe, maybe not.