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Hello! I'm looking for advice, and I thought this might be a worthwhile place to look. And, selfishly, it'll help me just to get my thoughts down on paper.
My husband at I met in college in Omaha, NE, about 10 years ago. He's from Minneapolis, and I'm from St. Louis. One life event after another kept us in Omaha -- he stayed here to go to law school, then I graduated from undergrad and took a job here to be near him, then he took the Nebraska bar and starting working here full-time as well. I eventually moved to Chicago for a job, but moved back to Omaha when we got engaged. At the time, it seemed like a more logical move than having my husband try and find a job in Chicago.
Now, three years into our marriage, we have a six-month-old baby, and I'd really like to move back to St. Louis. The biggest reason being that my dad passed away in 2008, and I'm very close with my mom. She's lonely, and would love to have us there. I'm very close with my siblings, and I foresee the three of them settling in St. Louis as well. The issue at hand is getting my husband to have a logical, thoughtful discussion about the idea. Lately, he's been somewhat dismissive, and I feel myself growing resentful as a result. If you have any advice on how to broach the subject with him, please let me know! Here are my current pros and cons:
Pros:
- Closer to my mom and family (right now, we have no family here, and only a few friends - most have moved away, to bigger cities or their hometowns). My husband is also close with my siblings.
- Free or inexpensive child care from my mom (right now, we pay an arm and a leg for daycare)
- I'll be able to help support my mom as she ages (I'm the oldest child)
- Right now, we live 6 hours from his family and 7 from mine. I would rather focus our travels on one family, so we could make more trips to Minneapolis instead of dividing our time between the two cities.
- Two of our best friends, an engaged couple, just moved there from Omaha for a job.
- We don't have a house to sell- we're currently renting, and it would be nice to move before we buy something here and create a more complex situation.
- I have a relatively good chance of finding work in St. Louis (I'm a copywriter), and we have connections in the legal/local government fields that would like to help my husband find a job (he's a public defender)
Cons
- My husband doesn't particularly enjoy his job, but it's a job nonetheless, in a field with growing uncertainty (law)
- On a personal level, my husband is more resistant to change than I am, and sometimes he favors the easier route. Obviously, it's easier to stay put.
- Our geographic position between our two families keeps the peace (neither set of grandparents feels favored over the other), and my husband's mother can be difficult to deal with. I foresee her being upset if we move.
- I have a decent job here as well
Anyway, thanks for reading this! (If you made it to the end without falling asleep or moving on.) Do you think I have grounds for wanting to move? Or am I being selfish? Any advice on how you would approach the discussion would be greatly appreciated.
These things are very tough to deal with. I imagine it affects a lot of marriages though you don't often hear about it all that often. I wish I had good advice for you but all I can really think to say is that you should be persistent with him but don't dismiss his feelings outright. He probably has good reasons for wanting to stay put besides resistance to change. Find out what those are and try to overcome his objections. Is he at least somewhat open to the idea, or he firmly on the side of "No way, no how, not in a million years!" ? It could be hard, if not impossible, to get him to change his mind if he's not at least somewhat open to it.
On a lighter note, you could always take a trip there and "sell him" on things that STL has better than Omaha. I think Omaha sounds like a great small city, but I don't think it'd be too hard to convince someone St. Louis is a nice upgrade in almost every way. I'm sure you guys have been to STL many times, but next time just hit up things that you know he would love and see if it maybe gets him to be more open-minded about living there
Much of the time, those with a knee jerk negative reaction to change, do just fine after a brief adjustment period. Some people are afraid of the unknown or of the different. The thing is, people can always go back to where they were or somewhere different if the changes didn't work out.
From a geographic standpoint, the changes amongst those three places aren't going to be radically different.
In terms of living near family and friends, ...it depends a bit on how well the other person got along with the other's family and friends. I'm somewhat of a proponent of two people from different geographies, living in a third geography, especially if all relationships aren't strong. That depends on the situation.
Do what I did: Make him fall in love with the city.
My SO is from Kansas City and I'm from St. Louis and after college at Mizzou together we moved to Chicago where we stayed for two years. We ended up in Kansas City after that for a job opportunity, but have been plotting our escape ever since.
SO loves neighborhoods and dive bars and street festivals and gorgeous parks, so I spent time showing him how awesome those can be in St. Louis and he was a convert in no time at all. Whatever it is your husband loves the most, figure out how to show off St. Louis' best sides to him in those respects. If you need any help, we can all be super useful!
And if he likes this couple that recently moved to St. Louis as well as you do, I'd play that up big time as well!
If you move here for your own reasons, and he resents the move later on, then your marriage, and the upbringing of your child will be compromised. If this were a situation pre-child, I might have a different opinion about it, because it's easier to be mobile and make career/marriage decisions prior to the kids arriving. That is to say, moves are easier to undo.
I don't envy your position, that's for sure! I do know that staying put is probably the least complicated and painless way to go about it, but then you risk your own happiness and risk resentment creep.
Hello! I'm looking for advice, and I thought this might be a worthwhile place to look. And, selfishly, it'll help me just to get my thoughts down on paper.
My husband at I met in college in Omaha, NE, about 10 years ago. He's from Minneapolis, and I'm from St. Louis. One life event after another kept us in Omaha -- he stayed here to go to law school, then I graduated from undergrad and took a job here to be near him, then he took the Nebraska bar and starting working here full-time as well. I eventually moved to Chicago for a job, but moved back to Omaha when we got engaged. At the time, it seemed like a more logical move than having my husband try and find a job in Chicago.
Now, three years into our marriage, we have a six-month-old baby, and I'd really like to move back to St. Louis. The biggest reason being that my dad passed away in 2008, and I'm very close with my mom. She's lonely, and would love to have us there. I'm very close with my siblings, and I foresee the three of them settling in St. Louis as well. The issue at hand is getting my husband to have a logical, thoughtful discussion about the idea. Lately, he's been somewhat dismissive, and I feel myself growing resentful as a result. If you have any advice on how to broach the subject with him, please let me know! Here are my current pros and cons:
Pros:
- Closer to my mom and family (right now, we have no family here, and only a few friends - most have moved away, to bigger cities or their hometowns). My husband is also close with my siblings.
- Free or inexpensive child care from my mom (right now, we pay an arm and a leg for daycare)
- I'll be able to help support my mom as she ages (I'm the oldest child)
- Right now, we live 6 hours from his family and 7 from mine. I would rather focus our travels on one family, so we could make more trips to Minneapolis instead of dividing our time between the two cities.
- Two of our best friends, an engaged couple, just moved there from Omaha for a job.
- We don't have a house to sell- we're currently renting, and it would be nice to move before we buy something here and create a more complex situation.
- I have a relatively good chance of finding work in St. Louis (I'm a copywriter), and we have connections in the legal/local government fields that would like to help my husband find a job (he's a public defender)
Cons
- My husband doesn't particularly enjoy his job, but it's a job nonetheless, in a field with growing uncertainty (law)
- On a personal level, my husband is more resistant to change than I am, and sometimes he favors the easier route. Obviously, it's easier to stay put.
- Our geographic position between our two families keeps the peace (neither set of grandparents feels favored over the other), and my husband's mother can be difficult to deal with. I foresee her being upset if we move.
- I have a decent job here as well
Anyway, thanks for reading this! (If you made it to the end without falling asleep or moving on.) Do you think I have grounds for wanting to move? Or am I being selfish? Any advice on how you would approach the discussion would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
The legal market in general stinks pretty much everywhere, but there are more legal opportunities in St. Louis, both as a public defender, and perhaps later in private practice, then he would have in Omaha. He might have more career growth opportunities here, both now and in the future.
Again, the market is pretty bad, but I know for a fact attorneys tend to make a little more on average in St. Louis than Omaha just because it is a bigger market, and yet the cost of living is probably fairly comparable to Omaha. Assuming he can find work, you just might find you will come out a little ahead financially with more opportunity down the road.
I faced a similar situation only the roles were reversed. I grew up in Southeast Missouri and moved to Lincoln, Nebraska after I graduated from college. I met my current wife while working in Lincoln and loved living there assuming I would never leave.
About six years ago, I was offered my dream job and it required me to relocate to the St. Louis area if I accepted the offer. My wife, who is from Nebraska and never lived anywhere else, was hesitant. We both had great jobs and were very comfortable there, however, this was a great opportunity for our family and she took a leap of faith. Long story short, I accepted and we relocated to the St. Louis area.
She and my kids have adjusted very well and we love the area. The nice thing is we are only 6 hours from Lincoln and we go back all the time to visit relatives and attend football games.
Omaha is a very nice city, but in my opinion, there is nothing there that can't be found in the St. Louis area (except Runza). The cost of living is very similar, however, the property taxes are much higher in Nebraska, so we could afford a more expensive house here. Good luck with your situation as I don't think you can go wrong living in either place.
I know EXACTLY what you're going through. It took me 3 whole years to convince my husband that St. Louis was the best option for us to move to after he got out of the Marine Corps (he wanted to stay in North Carolina... UGH!!!).
I started to press the issue further last year while he was on deployment, and although I'm still not sure he's 100% sold on St. Louis we're definitely moving there, as he's conceded that it's the best option for us. We both figure that he'll learn to appreciate it more once he's actually moved and settled in there and gets to know it better.
Like your husband, mine is very resistant to change, despite (or maybe because of) having moved a lot as a child.
I kid you not that I came up with 1001 Good Reasons to move to St. Louis (that I emailed him gradually over the course of his 8 month deployment last year)- and after that much effort, which I don't expect you to go through by the way, I don't think he could refuse
The main points which convinced my husband however, were:
1) Cost of Living. It's so low in St. Louis!
2) Quality of Life. If you're into the Arts, History and Culture as I am, St. Louis is perfect. But there's something for everyone - whether you enjoy the indoors or outdoors, mom & pop diners or fine dining. You'll never get bored in St. Louis- and I believe that the cost of living also plays into the quality of life aspect. You can afford a lot more, for less in the Lou.
3) If/When we have children- St. Louis will be a far better place to raise them. The multitude of child-friendly attractions and free attractions in St. Louis is outstanding. Also see #1 cost of living- it will also be more affordable to raise them in St. Louis, although you're not making any concessions regarding the quality of life!
4) Greater St. Louis traffic is minimal compared to other cities of the same size or cities with equal amenities.
5) The food! After 3 years of serving up Homemade Toasted Ravioli, Spinning Salad, St. Louis Gooey Butter Cake and Homemade Frozen Custard amongst other things... and commenting "that's from St. Louis. It's better in St. Louis." (or something to that affect) I think he's decided that Midwestern Food > The South.
6) With the fantastic interstate connections, you're only a few hours from Chicago, a few hours from Nashville, a few hours to Kansas City, so on and so on. So in case you get bored of St. Louis for some godforsaken reason, there are other options for weekend roadtrips!
7) It will make me outrageously happy... and I'll be significantly less annoying since I won't be constantly harping on about how much better off we'll be in St. Louis. (And what good husband doesn't want to make his wife happy?)
Anyway, I think those were the main deciding factors for him...
I really hope that you're able to convince your husband as well. From your personal pros & cons list, your pros clearly outweigh the cons! If anything, suggest even just moving to St. Louis for a few years to see if he likes it or not. If after say, 3 years he's still not happy- you'll consider moving again. He just needs to give it a chance
I sincerely wish you the best of luck! I hope you're successful in convincing him to move back to The Lou!
I think you have some good reasons for why you want to move back. You don't really specify why your husband doesn't want to move--is it primarily because you guys are very comfortable where you are and he doesn't like change? Or are there other underlying reasons? You make it sound like you want to be very involved with your family: mom taking care of the kids during the day, taking care of your mother as she ages, etc. Is this what your husband wants as well? These are topics that can put a strain on your marriage if you aren't in agreement. It could be less about the actual move, and more about the lifestyle.
I think you have some good reasons for why you want to move back. You don't really specify why your husband doesn't want to move--is it primarily because you guys are very comfortable where you are and he doesn't like change? Or are there other underlying reasons? You make it sound like you want to be very involved with your family: mom taking care of the kids during the day, taking care of your mother as she ages, etc. Is this what your husband wants as well? These are topics that can put a strain on your marriage if you aren't in agreement. It could be less about the actual move, and more about the lifestyle.
This.
Objectively speaking, in my experience, it isn't as much about the geography, as it is about the change in lifestyle. In this situation, it's about the interest and comfortability of your husband, moving to your home town/family/friends and all that entails. I'd say the same thing about you, if it was about the twin cities.
In my personal experience, and, in my objective opinion, more often than not, living in a neutral third geography would be my first thought for greatest chance of success. However, every situation is different. But that's where I'd start the discussion.
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