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Old 02-01-2015, 07:01 PM
 
161 posts, read 255,709 times
Reputation: 52

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Quote:
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing in response to the opening for an exciting actuarial internship opportunity this summer in Podunk, FL. I always want to be a part of Big Insurance Firm ‘s dynamic culture since your company has the leadership role in the industry.


I can offer you solid quantitative skills in mathematics, finance and programming which I obtains from my training at Big University. My time management skill and a great eye for detail have allowed me to complete well the work load of a teaching assistant and my demanding coursework at the same time. All of the above should make me an ideal candidate for this opening.


I have attached my resume for your review and would welcome the chance to speak with you in the future.

Best regards,
Max100.
Please help me to correct my cover letter. Thanks in advance.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:18 PM
 
897 posts, read 1,181,730 times
Reputation: 1296
Quote:
Originally Posted by W.I.R. View Post
Scrap the whole thing.

Seriously, you cannot claim "an eye for detail" with dozens of grammar and spelling errors in your letter. You're better off sending in your résumé (hope you didn't write that too), with a note that says:

Please consider the attached résumé for the coffee gatherer position posted.
This.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:22 PM
 
9,884 posts, read 14,154,954 times
Reputation: 21823
Why are you just summarizing your resume? Your cover letter is to let them know why this particular job excites you and what specific qualities you have that is perfect for this specific job. It should be more of a "let me tell you a specific story", not a general re-hash.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:25 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,927 posts, read 60,030,056 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by W.I.R. View Post
Scrap the whole thing.

Seriously, you cannot claim "an eye for detail" with dozens of grammar and spelling errors in your letter.
Classic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr View Post
Why are you just summarizing your resume? Your cover letter is to let them know why this particular job excites you and what specific qualities you have that is perfect for this specific job. It should be more of a "let me tell you a specific story", not a general re-hash.
OP, start over and list some specific things you have done at your current job that are outstanding and prove why they want you on their team.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:32 PM
 
161 posts, read 255,709 times
Reputation: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Classic.



OP, start over and list some specific things you have done at your current job that are outstanding and prove why they want you on their team.

Quote:
Why are you just summarizing your resume? Your cover letter is to let them know why this particular job excites you and what specific qualities you have that is perfect for this specific job. It should be more of a "let me tell you a specific story", not a general re-hash.

Thanks for suggestion, but how long should the cover letter be ? Does a busy HR have enough time to read the whole thing ? I have heard that your cover letter should not be too long. Maybe I should add some bullets to show my quality.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,927 posts, read 60,030,056 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by max100 View Post
Thanks for suggestion, but how long should the cover letter be ? Does a busy HR have enough time to read the whole thing ? I have heard that your cover letter should not be too long. Maybe I should add some bullets to show my quality.
Keep it short, use bullets to highlight your accomplishments, and get rid of the grammar and spelling errors.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:56 PM
 
140 posts, read 223,744 times
Reputation: 165
Your cover letter is not great at all. Remember it should be a thesis 3-4 sentences selling why you're good for the position i.e. what you can offer over the other 10000 applicants. Triple check your grammar with friends and family and don't repeat anything that is already mentioned in your resume.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:58 PM
 
Location: Vallejo
21,893 posts, read 25,213,587 times
Reputation: 19111
Awful.

The point of a cover letter is to sell yourself to the company on why you'd be a good pick. I have no clue what solid quantitative skills in your various broad subject areas you have. I'm not even going to go into grammatical errors. I feel if you wanted feedback, you'd take the time to read what you wrote at least once after writing it.
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Old 02-01-2015, 08:14 PM
 
Location: Moscow
2,223 posts, read 3,881,731 times
Reputation: 3134
Get the name of the person you are applying to. Correct the grammar. Change content so it doesn't repeat the resume.

Basically: start over.
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Old 02-01-2015, 08:31 PM
 
29,528 posts, read 22,718,437 times
Reputation: 48256
The basics seem to be fine, but needs a bit of fleshing out and correction of grammar/spelling.

As pointed out above, specifics of what you accomplished, but not to the point it makes the cover letter too long.

Here are some resources:

Seven Steps To Writing Cover Letters Quickly And Effectively - Forbes

5 Resume and cover letter mistakes to avoid | WWLP.com

This link in particular addresses some of the things seen in the original cover letter:

5 Cover Letter Cliches That Make Employers Cringe - US News

Last edited by Suburban_Guy; 02-01-2015 at 08:43 PM..
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