Gossiping former boss (employment, applying, profit, references)

[doubtful_optimist]

I left my former job 3 years ago to spend my son's youngest years with him. I had worked there (small nonprofit, 2 FT staff - my boss and me) for 6 years. As soon as I said I was leaving, my boss started talking about me nonstop (negatively) to others we worked with as the nonprofit. While it was a small nonprofit, it was a membership organization with a lot of outside contacts. I do not plan to apply with those contacts, but I am concerned about giving her as a reference now that I am planning to re-enter the workforce.

I had also worked for her a few years before the 6 year stint, though the two were different nonprofits.The relationship looks like this:

Worked together for 4 years -> I worked elsewhere for 5 years -> Worked together for 6 years

She was my direct supervisor for a large chunk of my professional experience. I don't need her as a reference and I have other references, but I am concerned about what she might say if she is contacted as a former employer. And, to be real, I honestly think it looks a little suspicious if I don't give her as a reference given that I worked with her for such a long time.

I see a few options and I'm not sure which is best under the circumstances.

1a. Don't list her as a reference, welcome prospective employers to contact her as a former employer to verify employment. And don't mention to the prospective employer that there is a bad dynamic there.

1b. Same as 1a, but mention the problem to prospects who might contact her.

2. Ask her for a letter of reference rather than having prospects contact her.

3. Contact her directly to let her know I am applying for positions and, given that I am aware that she has said quite a lot about me to others, I'm unsure what she would say if contacted by a prospective employer. And simply ask her what she would say if someone contacted her for a reference.

Thoughts? I think I'm too close to it to be objective. My preference is 3 because I prefer to address conflict directly, but that is not *her* MO at all, and any contact I have with her will lead to more spun interpretations and more fodder for gossip.

Can give more context if needed/relevant, but for the sake of brevity, I'll leave it at that.

[sinsativ]

The letter of reference!
Can't dispute what's in writing and signed!!

[doubtful_optimist]

Originally Posted by sinsativ

The letter of reference!
Can't dispute what's in writing and signed!!

Thanks! That's my covert-minded instinct, too.