Need help with wording in a paragraph.

[TwinbrookNine]

The sentence


"Imprinted at birth.......once again accepted..." [all in one sentence]



Is confusing because too many ideas attempting to somehow link those two (distant) events is best done using more than one sentence. I think I know what you are trying to convey, and it is probably an important idea to the thesis of the story, but in a case like that, you should separate the two thoughts into two or more sentences. Constructing that idea into multiple sentences affords much more latitude in style and creativity (this is not an essay - it's a story, no?). Done correctly you needn't worry about "choppiness." Trying to cram too many thoughts or ideas into one sentence (proper punctuation or not) works against you here.


I was once a "flow of thoughts" (run on) sentence writer, but eventually realized what a disadvantage that habit was.

[Nancy739]

In order to write something extraordinary and wonderful, don't listen to too many people.

[PamelaIamela]

Originally Posted by gouligann

Harry, I chuckled when I read your reply. You remind me of someone I respected who didn't a$$pat when I used to be an artist and posted paintings on a critique site.

Some were quite blunt with cutting remarks, and some padded their replies with niceties. While I appreciated both sides for their help, gaining knowledge was my intent. So, my take is, if people can't handle the remarks, then don't ask for help.
Thank you for your reply.

Here is my revision. Go ahead and throw a pie at er!

Ace gradually lost his fear of being handled by Julia and Martin. He no longer pressed against the rear of his stall when they entered. Orphaned at birth and raised on the ranch until his bold escape as a four-year-old, vague memories of human kindness helped him overcome his mistrust.

I like this revision because it uses the active voice to convey a simple idea in a straightforward manner.
One should be very cautious using the the passive voice.
In fact I'd avoid it unless absolutely necessary.

[adjusterjack]

Originally Posted by gouligann

Ace gradually lost his fear. Imprinted at birth by kindness and human intervention due to the tragic loss of his mother, Ace once again accepted their trust. He no longer pressed against the rear of the stall, when Julia or Martin entered.

"Ace gradually lost his fear and reacted calmly when Julia or Martin entered."

Presumably you have already summarized the horse's childhood experiences and his return to the farm.

A single sentence should suffice.

[bpollen]

Originally Posted by gouligann

I'm writing a sequel to my first book about a horse (his name is ACE)

Quick back story: When Ace was born, his mother had to be put down due to difficulties. He escaped from the ranch as a 3 year old stallion. Now, several years later, he is back with the owners in the stables where he was born.

Numerous times I've tried to reword this paragraph BELOW, and it still doesn't sound right. OR, maybe it sounds okay?)

I'd appreciate it if any of you can help me reword it better?

Thanks, Ann

Ace gradually lost his fear. Imprinted at birth by kindness and human intervention due to the tragic loss of his mother, Ace once again accepted their trust. He no longer pressed against the rear of the stall, when Julia or Martin entered.

(Are you writing in the 1st person?)

Fearful at first, Ace pressed against the rear of the stall and nervously shook his head, when the human caretakers approached. But each day, he began to lose the signs of fear, until one day he stood there calmly when the human caretakers approached. It was as if he remembered the kindness they showed to him in his first few weeks of life. Whatever the reason, Ace finally seemed content and calm, happy. He was home.

[gouligann]

Thank you all. I've reworded it, and am happy with the results.

Having this group to throw questions at is very helpful and much appreciated!