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I've been reading this blog a bit lately and I don't know what to think of it. I don't know if these parents are wonderful selfless saints or irresponsible fools. Maybe a bit of both. I was hoping to get your opinions on it.
Here's a summary in case you don't feel like reading two years worth of blog posts:
This couple are in their 50's and have been raising foster and adopted kids for 30 years, many with various behavior related disorders. They have a 26-year old daughter living at home with her son. This girl has a number of problems and will rage and lash out. Then they have a 9-year old, GB, that they've had since she was a baby who has FASD and Bi-Polar Disorder and ASD. Despite this she's doing fairly well but of course needs a lot of time and attention. Their third child they have at home is a 7-year old they adopted two years ago and it's the decisions surrounding this child that has me wondering.
The girl, Hope, was adopted by another family at birth but shortly before her 5th birthday the family decided to disrupt the adoption. Hope have some significant behavioral problems and the adoptive family couldn't hack it. The mother posted Hope's info and picture on the internet looking for a new family and that's where blogger mom found it. Hope had many of the same diagnoses as GB so blogger mom figured that with their 30 years experience with these disorders they could care for Hope. Blogger mom and the first adoptive mom emailed back and forth for a few months. Then they went from New York to Texas on a Wednesday, picked up Hope, went to court and finalized her adoption on Thursday and took her straight back to New York. They had never met before that.
Well, things haven't worked out that well with little Hope. It turns out that she didn't have the things she was diagnosed with. She has RAD and she's a very angry child. She rages for hours, hits, kicks and bites everyone, including her sister who is now starting to show signs of PTSD due to the constant raging in her home. She is struggling a lot with having Hope in her home and the mom has mentioned that she sometimes regrets adopting Hope since she is a lot to handle at her age with her health problems. Apparently Hope is much more difficult than they thought.
Of course they are to be admired for taking on these children who have been so horribly traumatized and victimized. They are doing something most people would refuse to do. But I really wonder about the decisions they made to adopt a kid they had never met after just a few emails and then uproot her and move her from one life to another in less than 48 hours. And this is when they already have a special needs child and young adult who are now suffering because the parents took on a kid who they really knew very little about. Maybe if they had gotten to know Hope and not done an in-and-out adoption they would have known what they were getting themselves into and could have made an informed decision. Maybe they weren't the right family for Hope. Maybe it wasn't right to bring in a very challenging special needs child into a home with two other special needs kids already. Maybe two people in their 50's with medical problems aren't the right parents for a kid who needs so much.
Then again, there aren't a lot of people lining up to parent kids with so many challenges and some of the options for Hope were definitely worse. They should be commended for stepping up and helping. But I'm not sure if this adoption was a wise choice. Some commenters on the blog have said that this is a prime example of adoption gone wrong and of why there needs to be better regulations.
What do you think? Are they saints or irresponsible fools?
It is much the same with a couple I know. They adopted two girls from China, one blind. They felt like they wanted another child, so they adopted a blind boy from Korea...he has other issues. And their "happy" family has been pretty disrupted by this child. I know that the Father is not pleased, he has inquired about year round placement for the boy.
Irresponsible fools. This little girl has gone thru more than anyone should ever have to. God knows the trauma she might have experienced in the first home but to be thrown into another full of its own issues, however well intentioned, was just as bad.
I think the couple themselves are special needs. Some people think they have super powers and can accomplish the impossible. They love nothing more than a real challenge to prove to themselves and everybody else how wonderful they are.
I knew a couple who disrupted an adoption of a special needs girl from Ecuador after over a year. The girl was 5 when they got her, had an eye removed b/c of cancer and was abused and the orphanage told them she was not to be adopted b/c of so many behavior problems. Poor little kid went to 3 other families before she settled with a single woman living in a house trailer who had been rejected for adoption because of her own special needs. I don't know whatever happened to her but she suffered tremendously because somebody wanted to try to prove a point.
Sadly misinformed. Slightly delusional. Good hearts that maybe aren't accompanied by good heads.
I can understand feeling a deep sense of compassion for a child in a bad situation who needs a family. I can understand the desire to want to do something. I can understand feeling that maybe you can make a difference. What I cannot understand is a disregard for the lives already in your care. Parents have a responsibility to the children they already have.
My husband and I had a lot of discussions on if we felt we could specifically seek to adopt a child with developmental issues. It was what I really wanted to do. However, we have another daughter who was only one at the time we were discussing this idea. We felt that we could not, in good parenting conscience, willingly and knowingly take on a child with severe issues and have it be fair to her. Also, although I have worked a lot with children with various developmental issues, my husband has had zero exposure or experience. After a lot of talking, we decided that we could not. Did it make us bad people? I struggled a lot with that question, and ultimately decided that it would make us bad people to not be honest about our family's abilities and true willingness to take in a child who needed more care than we were prepared or able to provide. I wish that these parents had maybe taken a harder look at themselves and asked questions that are not easy to answer about yourself.
Wanting to save a child and actually being able to do the work required to save that child are very separate things.
I don't know. I'm going to say naive and not fully educated and put the blame on the social workers who approved the placement.
I don't think there was any social workers that approved the placement. This seems to have been a deal between the two adoptive moms and a lawyer. That's part of the problem. There should have to be professionals involved in an adoption like this to make sure it's not done this way. I don't even do stuff like this with my foster cats and dogs when they get adopted. We always pay a visit to the new home a few days before they're adopted so it's not a completely strange environment when they move in. I just don't get how anyone can think it's okay to take a child away from her mom and dad (which these people had been her whole life) and move her in with strangers she's never met just like that. The little girl told the blogger mom on the first day that she hated her and that she was an ugly mom. Clearly she's not going into this with positive feelings of any kind. This move should have been done successively to give everyone a chance to get used to the changes. Maybe if they would have done that they would have known that this wasn't a good match and they wouldn't be in a situation where they are now where little Hope is most likely going to yet another home and the other little girl wouldn't have PTSD from Hope's violence towards her. This adoption was not fair to the existing child. With all these people's experience with special needs kids I really wonder what the heck they were thinking.
Probably both, at the same time. Most things in life aren't black and white.
Or neither.
They aren't saints and given their extensive background in foster care, they may have felt they could handle it so I wouldn't call them total fools.
However, the way it was handled, i.e. the quick handover, was both irresponsible and foolish. It would almost certainly have contributed to her behaviour. Btw I do have some idea of the background as I managed to find the blog with a quick google (her main one anyway, I think she has another, more private, one).
Also, apparently she has just found out more info on the situation with the first adoptive parents so it will be interesting to see what those findings are. The less said about the original adoptive parents, the better.
Last edited by susankate; 11-12-2012 at 10:15 PM..
Well, I haven't found the blog, so my response is based solely upon what's been posted here. I feel very sorry for all concerned, particularly the children. I wonder if the nine-year-old's developmental level was taken into consideration? It's usually advised that families considering adopting a child with attachment issues have no younger children, or that the child be their only child. It does sound as if this family is very compassionate, but may have acted without full knowledge or consideration of all the various issues.
The newly-arrived child's rude comments to her new mom should not be taken too seriously - no doubt she was extremely upset by the sudden change of all she's known and being plopped down into a new family with little warning or preparation. That in itself is unfair to the child. I hope she is receiving counseling, and that her new parents and sisters are also getting help. The addition of a new family member changes all the dynamics, particularly in a case like this where all three children have special needs.
The presence of the adult daughter and her son adds another layer of difficulties. I would hope that this daughter is living as independently as possible while sharing accommodations with her parents, and that they are able to keep a certain wise distance to allow her independence, while keeping a watchful eye on their grandson - how old is he? He may also be viewed as a threat by the newly adopted child.
I would not discourage anyone from adopting a child with special needs, but I would strongly urge all who are considering this to educate themselves and meet with and learn about other families who have adopted children with special needs - and to do a lot of introspection. Special needs can vary widely, from mild physical or developmental issues to more significant physical and developmental issues to emotional problems which also run the gamut. The latter can be far more challenging than the first two categories.
Anyone considering special needs adoption needs to be very, very clear about what they can and cannot handle effectively, in order to be fair to the children already in the family as well as those joining it - and to the parents themselves. So, please don't rule out special needs adoption entirely based on stories like this one. There are hundreds of other stories of special needs adoptions which have glowingly happy outcomes for everyone involved, while many "waiting children" with special needs yearn for families and do very well. My own extended family can bear witness to that...
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