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Old 03-23-2013, 10:12 PM
 
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I have seen people on this forum urging a birth-mother to be sure put the bio father on the BC. There are good reasons for that in many instances, of course. But there are also some scenarios where it is not advisable. Issues of safety for the BM, security for the child, and peace for the adoptive parents come to mind. I'm interested in your experiences, and thoughts on this.

An acquaintance of mine left her boyfriend when his alcohol problems worsened into abuse, and moved far away. She didn't realize she was pregnant, and she was in her 40's. The pregnancy was very hard on her, and with her medical problems and financial issues, there was no way she could give her child the life it deserved by herself. She tried keeping in touch with the father, but he spiraled down into other substance abuse, dangerous behavior, bad company, and 4 years of almost solid unemployment. So there was no chance of getting him to help with financial support. Plus, she feared any involvement he would have with her or the baby if he were notified (he is not safe when he drinks).

It broke her heart, but she chose not to declare paternity. The AP's and the child will have all the info on the bio father, as she thinks it is right. He had wonderful qualities, but his alcoholism took him down a path that was dangerous to himself, and would not be safe for her or the baby. I think she did the right thing in this case, because he'd have caused a lot more pain and damage to everyone involved.
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:10 AM
 
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I understand mothers in these situations have very difficult decisions to make & most of the time do not know what else to do. For so long the belief has been it is in the best interests of the adoptee to lose their original identity, have their records sealed, or have no father or straight up lies listed on their birth records.

Now we know that this can, does, & has harmed many adoptees from all walks of life & for various reasons.

Adoptees should not be the ones paying the price here. As an adult they should have access to factual records as that is the only way to guarantee they will have access to the information at all.

There really needs to be more resources for those dealing with domestic violence, though.

Husbands who are abusive should be arrested &/or the mother should pursue a restraining order, which would have provided proof that he was unfit to parent. I have had to apply for a restraining order myself -- so I do appreciate how hard that process can be.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 03-24-2013 at 06:35 AM..
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:43 AM
 
393 posts, read 502,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MegOrMargaret View Post
I have seen people on this forum urging a birth-mother to be sure put the bio father on the BC. There are good reasons for that in many instances, of course. But there are also some scenarios where it is not advisable. Issues of safety for the BM, security for the child, and peace for the adoptive parents come to mind. I'm interested in your experiences, and thoughts on this.
I cannot tell you how using those two letters together to describe a mother who has chosen adoption upsets me. I also disagree with the reasons stated because it is a fallacy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MegOrMargaret View Post
An acquaintance of mine left her boyfriend when his alcohol problems worsened into abuse, and moved far away. She didn't realize she was pregnant, and she was in her 40's. The pregnancy was very hard on her, and with her medical problems and financial issues, there was no way she could give her child the life it deserved by herself. She tried keeping in touch with the father, but he spiraled down into other substance abuse, dangerous behavior, bad company, and 4 years of almost solid unemployment. So there was no chance of getting him to help with financial support. Plus, she feared any involvement he would have with her or the baby if he were notified (he is not safe when he drinks).
During the course of a pregnancy he had 4 years of unemployment and spiralled down into other substance abuse, dangerous behavior, and bad company and she was trying to keep in touch but had already moved away?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MegOrMargaret View Post
It broke her heart, but she chose not to declare paternity. The AP's and the child will have all the info on the bio father, as she thinks it is right. He had wonderful qualities, but his alcoholism took him down a path that was dangerous to himself, and would not be safe for her or the baby. I think she did the right thing in this case, because he'd have caused a lot more pain and damage to everyone involved.
Depending on the state she may have broken the adoption law by NOT declaring the father when she knew who the father was. All states have rules for putative fathers and what they must do to assert their rights. Even the most lax states require some level of support, and if he had been unemployed and spiraled down into the state he was, then he would not have met any of the required requirements. As it stands now depending on how long ago this took place the putative father may actually have the right to challenge the adoption based on her leaving the state (based on your far away statement) and in reality hiding the fact that she was pregnant from him - a recent challenge was successful in a state and the case is now back to the lower courts. If he knew she was pregnant and she fled the state it could be the same as well.

I really don't care if it makes it easier for the adopting parents or not - it is wrong.
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Old 03-24-2013, 11:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artful Dodger View Post
I cannot tell you how using those two letters together to describe a mother who has chosen adoption upsets me. I also disagree with the reasons stated because it is a fallacy.



During the course of a pregnancy he had 4 years of unemployment and spiralled down into other substance abuse, dangerous behavior, and bad company and she was trying to keep in touch but had already moved away?



Depending on the state she may have broken the adoption law by NOT declaring the father when she knew who the father was. All states have rules for putative fathers and what they must do to assert their rights. Even the most lax states require some level of support, and if he had been unemployed and spiraled down into the state he was, then he would not have met any of the required requirements. As it stands now depending on how long ago this took place the putative father may actually have the right to challenge the adoption based on her leaving the state (based on your far away statement) and in reality hiding the fact that she was pregnant from him - a recent challenge was successful in a state and the case is now back to the lower courts. If he knew she was pregnant and she fled the state it could be the same as well.

I really don't care if it makes it easier for the adopting parents or not - it is wrong.
I understand from your other posts that you have a very specific point of view on adoption, which I respect. But to which 2 letters are you referring? (BC meant birth certificate.)

As for the remainder, I'm not comfortable discussing the particulars of her situation further. I know this whole thing was devastating, and not the way she would have chosen if there were any way to make it different. I know she went to great lengths to consult with an attorney and consider all options, and make sure things were proper and legal.

Just to clarify for all, she has no intent to hide the identity of the father from anyone. She has simply not declared paternity. I really think this guy has no business in an innocent child's life until the age where they're able to be responsible for their own safety, and their values have already been established by decent people.
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Old 03-24-2013, 01:30 PM
 
1,024 posts, read 982,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MegOrMargaret View Post
As for the remainder, I'm not comfortable discussing the particulars of her situation further. I know this whole thing was devastating, and not the way she would have chosen if there were any way to make it different. I know she went to great lengths to consult with an attorney and consider all options, and make sure things were proper and legal.
How is it proper or even legal to lie about paternity?

Quote:
Just to clarify for all, she has no intent to hide the identity of the father from anyone. She has simply not declared paternity. I really think this guy has no business in an innocent child's life until the age where they're able to be responsible for their own safety, and their values have already been established by decent people.
How is your friend going to guarantee her child receives all this information? Is the child still in her life & does she live in a state where open adoption agreements are enforceable? In most states those are not enforceable.

My mother believed I would receive information about my two families at 18 as well, including letters & photographs. The only thing I received were the photographs in my twenties & non-identifying information from the adoption agency. Still am not allowed access to my OBC to this day.
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Old 03-24-2013, 03:13 PM
 
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I cannot imagine being in that type of situation. How incredibly stressful. I don't think it's fair for me to judge your friend, so I won't. I have never been in such a difficult place and trying to decide what to do about a pregnancy all at once. It must have been so difficult.

I will say that agencies and lawyers often take advantage of women in just such situations. Biased advice is often given, and it's usually not advice that is in the best interest of the mother or child.
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Old 03-24-2013, 03:38 PM
 
393 posts, read 502,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MegOrMargaret View Post
I understand from your other posts that you have a very specific point of view on adoption, which I respect. But to which 2 letters are you referring? (BC meant birth certificate.)

As for the remainder, I'm not comfortable discussing the particulars of her situation further. I know this whole thing was devastating, and not the way she would have chosen if there were any way to make it different. I know she went to great lengths to consult with an attorney and consider all options, and make sure things were proper and legal.

Just to clarify for all, she has no intent to hide the identity of the father from anyone. She has simply not declared paternity. I really think this guy has no business in an innocent child's life until the age where they're able to be responsible for their own safety, and their values have already been established by decent people.
Answering your question bolded in your quote of my post - the two letters you used to describe the birth mother coincide with another common use for those two letters which I guess I am not allowed to state here. It is the medical two letter abbreviation of something not pleasant.
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Old 03-24-2013, 04:56 PM
 
Location: My House
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artful Dodger View Post
Answering your question bolded in your quote of my post - the two letters you used to describe the birth mother coincide with another common use for those two letters which I guess I am not allowed to state here. It is the medical two letter abbreviation of something not pleasant.
I agree, Artful Dodger.

BM is the medical abbreviation for "bowel movement."

I don't think any birth mother would want to be referred to as a "BM," though I've seen it done other places and found it peculiar.

Just my 2 cents, of course.
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meh_whatever View Post
I agree, Artful Dodger.

BM is the medical abbreviation for "bowel movement."

I don't think any birth mother would want to be referred to as a "BM," though I've seen it done other places and found it peculiar.

Just my 2 cents, of course.
Well on this forum it means birth mother. Which is exactly how the OP intended. Not the medical term you've described above.
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:18 PM
 
Location: My House
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Well on this forum it means birth mother. Which is exactly how the OP intended. Not the medical term you've described above.
Not disagreeing with how some may use it here.

Just saying I don't personally care for the abbreviation. I've been a birth mother 3 times, so I think I'm entitled to my layperson's opinion.
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