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I have to agree with Ivorytickler. I saved an article from a AARP magazine, titled "Leaving a Fair Will", which states that you should leave an equal share to each one of your children. If one of your children is caring for you, pay them or give a monetary gift while you are still alive.
My family has been destroyed because of my mother not treating her children equally. One of my sisters followed my mother when she moved to upstate NY, and can be there for her if need be. My other sister lives in FL. She isn't getting much because my mom stated "What has she done for me!?" The only child that means anything to her is her son. At 80 years old, she changed her will, leaving her vacation home (which was totally renovated) to him.
I retired 8 years ago, and moved about a half hour from my mother. I wanted to spend time with her and have the family together like years ago. Well, it was a huge mistake because now I don't talk to any of my family. The damage my mother caused by changing her will has even destroyed the relationships with her grandchildren. The cousins, who were once very close, don't speak to each other anymore......nor do the aunts and uncles speak with their nieces and nephews.
This was once a family that was extremely close and would do anything to help their mother. She has inflicted an intense emotional pain which has killed something inside me. Never did I ever think my mother, at the end of her life, would show through her will that she doesn't love her children equally.
My mother-in-law did the same thing to my husband. We lived next door to her and helped her all the time. Took care of her lawn, fixed her house, did everything respectful grown children do for their mother. My husband was ill and the doctor told him he should retire. We put our home up for sale, giving my mother-in-law a choice of moving with us or staying in her home and we would come back every other week to help her out. Her other son (the golden child) lived nearby so she decided to sell her home and move in with him. She changed her will two times after moving in with him. The last will left my husband zero. Now tell me, what happened to all those years of driving her around, taking her shopping, etc. etc.? All that was forgotten. It is very sad. My husband hasn't spoke with his brother ever again.
Equal is the kindest way to leave a will.
I have to agree with Ivorytickler. I saved an article from a AARP magazine, titled "Leaving a Fair Will", which states that you should leave an equal share to each one of your children. If one of your children is caring for you, pay them or give a monetary gift while you are still alive.
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Great idea, but unfortunately, it's built on an ideal that frequently doesn't exist in real life. Many seniors can't afford to give a monetary gift or pay someone for providing home care.
I think that tickle's failing to understand that not every situation is the same; she seems to be focused on what she would do or wouldn't do when faced with a hypothetical situation. Real life doesn't work that way, sorry. The majority of American families are struggling with this in some form, and that's pretty indicative of a serious problem.
Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. mod cut
You can't say what you will or won't do when you're not actually in the situation.
And given the number or examples that have been posted on this thread by actual caregivers you would think they would eventually get that.
I know a woman whose son was murdered a few years back in a robbery. She was devastated and had a boss who was just horrible to her. She wanted time off for the trial of the killer of her son, and he at one point told her she "needed to move on".
He made her life miserable, and she ended up quitting the job.
Well a couple of years later his daughter was killed in a car accident. He called her up and apologized for his behavior towards her. He said he had no idea the kind of pain she was going through until it happened to him.
Originally eleven years ago, my plan was to move in temporarily to assist with brother dying of cancer. Then mom herself suffered a stroke resulting in two family members to care for. In 2009 sister with ms moved in. So I'm still here with my closet full of many hats that I wear. I never did quit my career and have contributed thousands of dollars of my own money for the cause. My situation is two youngest siblings coming around seeking more from estate due to entitlements that they think deserving of.
Great idea, but unfortunately, it's built on an ideal that frequently doesn't exist in real life. Many seniors can't afford to give a monetary gift or pay someone for providing home care.
Another issue that needs to be brought up is that many of these elders are children of the Great Depression, they have a fear that is lifelong(regardless of how well off they are) of running out of money.
They have childhood memories of people coming to their door looking for work in return for a meal. Or going to the movies twice during the 1930s(my mother saw two movies growing up in the 30s), imagine kids today dealing with that.
So many of them don't want to hand over a monetary gift or pay someone because they're afraid to run out of money for themselves(and it is their money), but after they're gone if possible want to leave an inheritance.
There is quite a bit of research on children of the GD who live with a lifetime fear of being poor again, and none of us who didn't experience what they did can really understand it.
I think that it's really easy to sit in front of a monitor and type about what other people "should" do, but reality doesn't work that way. Between those with "lucrative careers" who don't, as a rule, give them up to take on caretaking responsibilities and the skid row drunk who move in with mom and dad because it's a cushier than the local mission, there's a whole world of average people just trying to do the best they can in bad situations.
I'm aware of that, however, never having seen this in 54 years of life leads me to conclude that it is not the norm. If it were, I'd think I would have seen it by now. Why people insist on making this about situations that rarely happen is beyond me. I do admit to being jaded here because every single instance where one child provided the sole care for an elder I've seen has been a case like my neighbors where said child never had a pot to **** in anyway and gave up nothing but time they would have wasted anyhow to provide care. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that having a free place to stay and free meals was a step up for most. Honestly, I have never seen anyone walk away from a lucrative career to care for mom or dad even when there was a sizable estate. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm saying it's rare enough that you just don't hear about it often so there's no need considering that particular scenario in this discussion. It makes more sense to look at what happens on average, which appears to be mom or dad being cared for by a child who didn't work anyway or who has little invested in a career.
No, I think you hire someone like my friend who provides care for a living or you take granny to adult day care while you work. This is not rocket science.
As for me and mine, I will not reward a caregiver child and punish non caregiver children with the reading of my will. That one child is in position to provide care and willing to do so is not reason to punish her siblings. If I feel she needs to be paid, I'll pay her but my estate goes to all my children equally regardless of ability or willingness to derail their lives to care for me. I don't require this of my children. If one is stupid enough to derail a career to care for me, that's her chioce. This is not required.
What an incredibly narrow view! When I made the decision to offer my father a place in my home and in my care, after his stroke I was working for myself. I truly thought I could work around his needs and schedules and still generate enough income. I arranged to get him out of the substandard nursing home my sister put him in and fly him cross country to live with me.
The original plan was for him to attend adult day care two days a week. Well, he hated it. The clients at that daycare were very low-functioning and did not provide the social interaction I had hoped for him. An attempt at another daycare yielded the same results. My dad was a high fall risk and needed 24/7 supervision, but was still mentally ok. The daycare residents weren't old people sitting around playing cards and chatting...they were adults with severe mental and physical disabilities. My father would complain about being drooled on and unable to communicate with anyone but the staff when I picked him up. I spoke to a social worker to get a recommendation for one that would be different but she told me they are pretty much all like that. It's so easy to say take granny to adult day care while you work, but the last thing I wanted was my father to be dumped off at a place that made him miserable. And so the two days at daycare became two more days at home, and two more days a week that didn't allow me uninterrupted time to work.
No caretakers duties stay the same, they always increase. My dad had frequent falls that sometimes resulted in wounds that didn't heal, requiring weekly visits to a wound care specialist. He was hospitalized with blood clots, pneumonia, several more strokes, over the next few years, all of which increased my duties. Even when he was in the hospital, there was very little break, because of the running back and forth to the hospital. Each time he was released, it set off another round of in-home therapy, which meant getting my dad up, dressed and fed before the therapist arrived, and also making sure the house was clean and ready for visitors. The mountain of laundry due to my fathers incontinence took up a large portion of the day. The hundred little details of dealing with the elderly take up so much time, and in my dad's case everywhere he went he would create a mess of some kind. Preparing and serving three meals a day takes up time. Bringing someone to a dr's apt takes up time.
My time for my business became less and less, and because I had ignored it so often, the demand dropped and fell off. My time for myself became less. I rarely left the house and when I did, it was only to rush through the grocery shopping and return home.
Without going into all the details, at the end, my father was completely bedridden and totally incontinent. His foods had to be pureed and fed to him. He could not hold his own glass to drink. He could not even sit up by himself. If that isn't work, please tell me what is.
Anyone who assumes a caregiver is either a freeloader or stupid is truly clueless. As for my siblings? The first words of my brothers mouth when I informed him of my father's death was "so what's next?" as if he couldn't wait to get some money. We were lucky to hear from him twice a year, if that.
Doesn't sound like you have any experience in caregiving at all. Maybe when you're at an age when you need assistance from your adult children and you find out the hard way that one child does it all(which in many times is the case) and another does little to nothing you will change your tune.
Sounds like you're angry and want people to agree with you. Why ask a question if you're not willing to accept what could be a wide range of answers?
Her post aside, I'll give you my thoughts. I'm one of two sons. I would probably 'get over' having a will adjusted to compensate my older brother if he were to be the primary caregiver. Economically, that would be the fair thing to do, especially if I were not involved (which I don't anticipate to be the case, but just speaking hypothetically).
What would be harder to accept, and I what I would recommend not doing if I were a parent who cared about the kind of legacy they wish to leave, is using the will as a tool for vengeance for perceived slights. There's no reason for that. A parent can express displeasure right up until their last breath, but using money to punish an heir is sick-minded. If you don't want a child to receive a penny, then I'd probably advocate setting aside reasonable compensation for the heir who did the caring, and then giving the rest to a charity. That way, the deceased doesn't go to the grave being a witch or a devil. But we're assuming that people actually care about a reputation for fairness. If one doesn't care, then I think the original response is spot on: whatever the parent wants is fair.
Well said Aquitpath. My eleven years of caregiving, has been just that Care Giving. I never have asked for anything in return. Again, I posted earlier my situation of absent siblings coming around to try and switch up the game plan. All due to feelings of entitlements. I haven't seen that issue addressed yet on this thread. Everyone just seems to be posting back and forth their views of caregiving and who's entitled to more of the pie that is if anything left. Sad. When the time comes and my services are no longer needed for my mother, I will walk away knowing I gave it my all. It will be my younger absent siblings who will have to live with themselves when the cloud of denial lifts. They will realize, mom is gone and how much wasted time and energy was spent on worrying about moms money. I truly hope that there isn't a time left. I will be the one who ends with wealth. I will have all of the stories to share regarding her last years of her lifetime. I except my title of freeloder from others as the benefits I'm receiving from my caregiving experience cannot bought.
Last edited by sonoranflower; 05-11-2013 at 03:11 PM..
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