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You just contradicted yourself. You are already dictating what daughter should take care of you as you said one "is not up to it". So in your mind you already know that one child is going to be the one who would end up taking care of you.
It is very easy to say when you're not in the situation what you would do. Fast forward into the future and you find one child is helping you on and off the toliet while the other one can't be bothered to visit and see how you feel.
Than you go on to say their inheritance won't be impacted if neither daughter cares for you. It most certainly will. If you have to pay for an assisted living or nursing home at $60,000 a year that will make a dent in any inheritance. Regardless of how it is split up.
I do agree with you that it is up to the person as to who gets what. But if you can't understand(because I don't believe you did hands on caregiving where it was 24/7, more like you checked up on relatives maybe once or twice a week) that there are people who give up everything to put their lives on hold, sometimes giving up a job(so they lose SS money) while another child can't even be bothered to pick up the phone, well then you just don't get it.
READ my post. They both have the right to decide. I never said they didn't. I said I wouldn't want it to be dd#1 if one does but it is their choice. Dd#1 doesn't have the personality to handle something like being a caregiver. Dd#2 could handle it but it's her choice if she does/doesn't.
So, who is helping you on and off the toilet? You must be in that situation if you know what you would do since you think people incapable of thinking that far forward. (and for me it was changing grandma's diapers. She couldn't get up to go to the toilet)
I don't care if one child helps me more than the other. I love them both and I will not slight one of them to give the other an inflated sense of self worth. I will not make my final message to one that I valued her sister more than her. IMO, that would be cruel and unjust. Personally, I'm not ok with dh leaving less to one of his sons than the other kids and I will change my will if I outlive dh to fix that. While dss#1 is the kid who cost us the most, I'd rather my last message to him be "I value all of my children the same".
You are so stuck on what you are owed because you're a caregiver when you aren't. If you want to be paid, ask for payment. Either do what you do because you want to or don't do it but to do it and whine about what you are owed because you did is just greed. You are the type of child I'd leave nothing to just because you think you're owed.
I would suggest you get honest with yourself and your parent and just present the bill. That is, after all, what this is all about. You getting more of the money. You getting paid for what you do. Your parent telling your brother that you are valued over him. If you want payment, ask for it.
Oh, and what people on the internet think won't impact what your parent actually chooses to leave to whomever they leave it to. Everyone here could agree with you and it wouldn't change a thing. The person you need to convince is the person writing the will. The day one of my kids does that, I'm, probably, writing them OUT of my will. If money is going to be that much of an issue, I'd rather leave it to charity.
The bottom line is what is willed to you or not willed to you is the decision of the person writing the will. If you want the bill paid, present the bill to be paid. You'd be more honest if you did and then you wouldn't have to worry about what you may or may not inherit. For all you know, it's all been left to the neighbor's dog.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-04-2013 at 07:29 PM..
READ my post. They both have the right to decide. I never said they didn't. I said I wouldn't want it to be dd#1 if one does but it is their choice.
So, who is helping you on and off the toilet? You must be in that situation if you know what you would do since you think people incapable of thinking that far forward.
I don't care if one child helps me more than the other. I love them both and I will not slight one of them to give the other an inflated sense of self worth.
You are so stuck on what you are owed because you're a caregiver when you aren't. If you want to be paid, ask for payment. Either do what you do because you want to or don't do it but to do it and whine about what you are owed because you did is just greed. You are the type of child I'd leave nothing to just because you think you're owed.
Try reading my post.
You don't even read the post and you comment....LOL. Where did I say I needed help on and off the toilet? I was talking about an elderly parent who needs that kind of help.
No one is stuck on being owed. You are unaware of what it is like to be a caregiver because I really doubt you have done any "hands on" caregving at all. I know someone who calls themself a "caregiver" because they call their elderly parent once a week on the phone.
I highly doubt you had anyone move into your home or you into theirs and did 24/7 caregiving.
I asked a question. You have one child who gave up a lot to take care of elderly parents while another child can't be bothered.
The people who responded without rude comments who said it is up to the parent are 100% right. It is up to the parent as to who gets what.
And I have talked to dozens of caregivers, and in most cases it is one adult child who ends up taking care of the parent/parents. Yet it is the adult child who did nothing who has their hand out the minute the parent passes not the caregiver who usually forms a much closer bond to the parent due to living with them.
The greed comes with the adult child who does nothing but wants to know what happens with the house and how soon they can get their cut.
You don't even read the post and you comment....LOL. Where did I say I needed help on and off the toilet? I was talking about an elderly parent who needs that kind of help.
No one is stuck on being owed. You are unaware of what it is like to be a caregiver because I really doubt you have done any "hands on" caregving at all. I know someone who calls themself a "caregiver" because they call their elderly parent once a week on the phone.
I highly doubt you had anyone move into your home or you into theirs and did 24/7 caregiving.
I asked a question. You have one child who gave up a lot to take care of elderly parents while another child can't be bothered.
The people who responded without rude comments who said it is up to the parent are 100% right. It is up to the parent as to who gets what.
And I have talked to dozens of caregivers, and in most cases it is one adult child who ends up taking care of the parent/parents. Yet it is the adult child who did nothing who has their hand out the minute the parent passes not the caregiver who usually forms a much closer bond to the parent due to living with them.
The greed comes with the adult child who does nothing but wants to know what happens with the house and how soon they can get their cut.
UGH. What you implied was that I'm incapable of considering what I'd do because I"m not there yet. Well, dear, neither are you. My point was that you aren't being helped on or off the toilet so you can't say what you'd do either by your own logic...or lack of logic as the case may be.
Who cares who has their hand out? Why are you so stuck on the money? IT'S NOT YOURS!!!! It's not your decsision what is done with it. Why are you so worried about money that isn't even yours??? It's none of your business what your parent does with their money. If you want to be paid for being a caregiver, present the bill. You'd be more honest if you did. Instead you're going to whine about money that isn't owed to you that your parent has the right to do whatever they want with. Seems silly to me.
You just don't get it. No one gets a cut. Money is either gifted or it isn't. It's not a cut. It's not owed to you or your brother. It's up to your parent. I'm starting to see why dh's uncle left his millions to charity. If this is what leaving money to kids does, maybe it's best not to. You, seriously, have the inheritance cart way before the horse here. It's not your money to worry about until such a time as it is gifted and it may or may not be and then if it is, you should just be thankful for what you got because it could have all been left to charity like dh's uncle did. This is not your decision because it's not your money.
And I answered your question. My will will not change because one child provides care and the other doesn't because an inheritance is not payment for services rendered. It's something a parent chooses to leave her children. I love all my children and I will not send the message that one was more valued by me as my final message to the other one. What's left of my estate when I die will go to my children equally including my step children...and yes that includes the one who never calls or even sends a Christmas card.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-04-2013 at 07:43 PM..
UGH. What you implied was that I'm incapable of considering what I'd do because I"m not there yet. Well, dear, neither are you. My point was that you aren't being helped on or off the toilet so you can't say what you'd do either by your own logic...or lack of logic as the case may be.
Who cares who has their hand out? Why are you so stuck on the money? IT'S NOT YOURS!!!! It's not your decsision what is done with it. Why are you so worried about money that isn't even yours??? It's none of your business what your parent does with their money. If you want to be paid for being a caregiver, present the bill. You'd be more honest if you did. Instead you're going to whine about money that isn't owed to you that your parent has the right to do whatever they want with. Seems silly to me.
You just don't get it. No one gets a cut. Money is either gifted or it isn't. It's not a cut. It's not owed to you or your brother. It's up to your parent. I'm starting to see why dh's uncle left his millions to charity. If this is what leaving money to kids does, maybe it's best not to. You, seriously, have the inheritance cart way before the horse here. It's not your money to worry about until such a time as it is gifted and it may or may not be. This is not your decision.
You know what happens when you assume? LOL.
First off there is a living trust, and everything is 50/50, so guess what? I do know where the money is going.
This issue came up with my father, not me. He wasn't happy with my brother's lack of involvement. My brother spent no time visiting with my mother the last time he saw her alive. I even got into it with him and told him that this could be it, and it turned out it was. But my talk went right over his head.
I am not putting the whole family dynamics on here, but those who know us know the situation.
You are rude, and I think your own financial situation regarding your upcoming job loss is the reason for it.
I'm done responding to you and again I highly doubt you did any real "hands on" caregiving. You avoided answering that question, so that is the answer.
First off there is a living trust, and everything is 50/50, so guess what? I do know where the money is going.
This issue came up with my father, not me. He wasn't happy with my brother's lack of involvement. My brother spent no time visiting with my mother the last time he saw her alive. I even got into it with him and told him that this could be it, and it turned out it was. But my talk went right over his head.
I am not putting the whole family dynamics on here, but those who know us know the situation.
You are rude, and I think your own financial situation regarding your upcoming job loss is the reason for it.
I'm done responding to you and again I highly doubt you did any real "hands on" caregiving. You avoided answering that question, so that is the answer.
Trusts can be changed dear.
However, the point still stands. It is your parent's choice not yours because it isn't your money. Just say thank you for what you get because they didn't have to leave you anything. So your parents value both of their kids the same. Why is this such an issue for you?
And no, this has nothing to do with my upcomming job loss but nice attempt at deflecting there . This has to do with what an inheritance is and is not and it is not payment for services rendered. If you want payment for services rendered, present the bill.
Seriously. You should just be happy you're getting some money. It's not owed to you. It's a gift. I would suggest you show some gratitude to your parent while they're still here instead of whining about what you are owed when you are owed nothing.
AGAIN, inheritance/wills have NOTHING to do with hands on caregiving. These are totally unrelated subjects. A will is the dispensation of a person's estate to their heirs and it is entirely their choice what they do with it. (I answered this questio before but here's my answer again since you didn't bother reading it) Personally, I would not want my last message to my kids to be that one was valued more by me than the others because they aren't. I would hope that one of my kids wants to help me when I'm old but if they don't, I'll figure it out. If they do, I know that the day will come when they will look back and know they did good and that is enough. I don't get thinking you are owed because you've given back to a parent and in your case, a parent who has already set up a trust for you. All I can say is WOW. Just WOW.
Whether I did real hands on caregiving, in your opinoin, or not is irrelevent. Being a caregiver does not make you entitled to a larger portion of the estate. The portion you get is, entirely, up to the person writing the will. Period. I know that I will make no such distinction because my kids are all my kids and none are more/less deserving to be given a gift than the others. Your argument is like saying you deserve more Christmas presents because you're the better child. That's not the way parents usually roll. Most of us make it a point to show no favoritism and there's no reason to do so given this is a gift situation. Just say thank you because they didn't have to give you anything.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-04-2013 at 08:04 PM..
However, the point still stands. It is your parent's choice not yours because it isn't your money. Just say thank you for what you get because they didn't have to leave you anything. So your parents value both of their kids the same. Why is this such an issue for you?
And no, this has nothing to do with my upcomming job loss but nice attempt at deflecting there . This has to do with what an inheritance is and is not and it is not payment for services rendered. If you want payment for services rendered, present the bill.
Seriously. You should just be happy you're getting some money. It's not owed to you. It's a gift. I would suggest you show some gratitude to your parent while they're still here instead of whining about what you are owed when you are owed nothing.
You really are too much. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my first post. No, neither one of my parents value the kids the same, when my mother was still alive she wanted to change it to 60/40 as I was the son who took care of them. My father didn't want to do it and to be honest I didn't want problems with my brother.
Since that time my father(whose health has really gone down hill) feels differently.
My brother is very self absorbed. For example, he smokes. He came to visit in March and I mentioned this to the home healthcare nurse since my father is now on oxygen. I would never allow him to smoke in the house but I mentioned he smokes outside while sitting on the patio table. The nurse said to me "tell him I said no smoking on the patio as there is an overhang and to get away from the house if he is going to smoke"....well that lasted one day. He sat right outside my father's bedroom on the patio and smoked.
He also seemed annoyed that my father was doing better, you don't know me or what I have done or been through.
My brother on the sly also made keys to the house. He asked to borrow the car one day and said he was going to fix something in the gargage and went to the local hardware store. Well he got keys made but didn't say anything to either my father or myself. I find that disturbing.
I have seen firsthand who is greedy and it isn't the child who is the caregiver. My father is my best friend.
My brother will never have what I had with my mother and now my father.
I know I did the best I could by the both of them.
And while you may think currently that you won't feel differently if one child takes care of you and the other can't be bothered to even call, you may feel differently when you're in the situation.
I don't resent my brother for not being the caregiver as I knew years ago it would be me, what I resent the not calling, coming to visit and then not visting. And his last trip to "help" where he had to be prompted to go get the mail or take in the garbage can. Or when I was in the shower and dad needed help getting his shoes on, rather than going to see what dad needs(he was busy on his laptop) he calls out to me knowing I'm in the shower. Coming here and not even spending some time just sitting and watching TV with his father....that is what I resent.
If someone is a full time caregiver and they are required to stop working for several years, than a wage might very well be appropriate. I don't think it should come out of the inheritance as a statement of one's behavior. You could ask that he pay you from here on out, so that you have some security.
OP: had you not stepped in, all of the money would have been gone for you as well--and still could be... My grandmother was in a very good convalescent home after she had a severe stroke, and lived another 7 years although she was unable to even leave her bed.
I do agree that you need to make peace that inheritance isn't payment. If your dad chooses to change the will, that's his business, but if you get involved you will likely hurt him.
If someone is a full time caregiver and they are required to stop working for several years, than a wage might very well be appropriate. I don't think it should come out of the inheritance as a statement of one's behavior. You could ask that he pay you from here on out, so that you have some security.
OP: had you not stepped in, all of the money would have been gone for you as well--and still could be... My grandmother was in a very good convalescent home after she had a severe stroke, and lived another 7 years although she was unable to even leave her bed.
I do agree that you need to make peace that inheritance isn't payment. If your dad chooses to change the will, that's his business, but if you get involved you will likely hurt him.
She/he will also hurt their brother.
If a wage is in order, then you ask for one. The inheritance needs to be left up to the person who wrote the will. It's their money and their choice. If the father thinks the child providing the caregiving deserves pay for doing so, he has the right to pay him/her.
As a parent, I cannot imagine leaving less to one child. I can't imagine how that would be taken as the will is read. That is something that could never be undone. To have my last message to my child be "I valued you less than your sibling" would be cruel and unjust. My children are all different. They have different abilities, mature at different rates and can handle different things but I do not love them based on what they can/cannot/choose to do. I love them just for being so my will will never change. To all my children goes an equal share and I hope they do something they enjoy with it.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-04-2013 at 08:24 PM..
One adult child took care of both the mother and father for the last few years, including moving across the country to be with them.
The other adult child has done nothing. Visited once a year but spends more time out and about in a rental car than with the parents. This child lives 1500 miles away.
Mother passed away last year and now the caregiver child is taking care of dad, he has been in the hospital twice in the last two months, the other child very rarely even calls.
Didn't even know the father was in the hospital this month as they don't call, and the father requested that he not be told as he doesn't call anyway. He did finally find out after the fact after calling for the first time in over 2 weeks.
Now this adult child called almost daily when he was impacted by Hurricane Sandy to share that he still had no power. But those calls stopped once power was restored.
Now it look like there will be changes to the will per the father who realizes that one child did everything and the other nothing.
What do you think is fair in this situation. Mother a couple of years before she passed wanted to make it 60/40 with the caregiver child getting more, father wasn't sure he wanted to do that, but has since changed his mind now that he needs more assistance.
I want to add that by the one child moving across the country and moving in with the parents a large portion of assets were saved that would have gone to a assisted living or a nursing home as there is no way the parents could have lived on their own.
What are your thoughts on this situation? Thanks.
My thought is simply that the parents have to decide what to do with their inheritance, not you! Even if you are the caretaker who did so much more.
It's not up to you to decide what should be in the will. None of your business, frankly. Even if you did gete the short end of the stick. It is their money and not yours.
Ans: Whatever the person writing the will wants. Wills have nothing to do with who did what for whom. They're not about payment for services rendered. They are about how a person wants to distribute what they own after they die. They are NOT an entitlement. If you want to be paid for caregiving, ask to be paid for caregiving.
As a parent, I would not give more to one child because that child provided care for me. My children are my children, period. They are not less because they were not the one in position to provide hands on care. I do not owe anything to the one who does more (there always seems to be one). My estate, albeit small, isn't about that.
I agree with the first paragraph but find your second paragraph to be so very wrong.
Common sense says that the person who sacrifices should be rewarded. You say that one child was not " in position to provide hands on care". Well, did that child provide funds to help the other child, the caregiver, get respite care for her or himself? Did that child who is not available make up for their lack of caregiving in a significant way?
I don't believe it is up to the children to decide what goes in the will, but, my goodness, a sense of justice is called for and the caregiver, who has sacrificed their very lives to care for the parent, deserves special attention in the will by way of some kind of generous compensation.
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If a wage is in order, then you ask for one. The inheritance needs to be left up to the person who wrote the will. It's their money and their choice. If the father thinks the child providing the caregiving deserves pay for doing so, he has the right to pay him/her.
