Seeking Advice Please about Getting Respite Help for Mom (parent, disabilities, facility) - Caregiving -Caretakers, elderly care, nursing homes - City-Data Forum

diva360 · 09-10-2013, 01:46 AM

Hi all. This is my first posting on this forum. My dad had a stroke last May, and he will be released from outpatient therapeutic care in about two weeks so he and my mom can return home. He is getting a lot better at walking with a walker, and his cognitive functioning is increasing, though he still needs his wheelchair because he tires easily. My parents' house is pretty well-outfitted for someone with disabilities because my mom had back surgery a few years ago (bars in the master bathroom, shower chair, everything they need on the first floor, and so on).

My problem is that my mom is very reluctant to hire someone to do home nursing for a few hours a week, even though they can afford it (I've researched some services they can use that are affordable). As she puts it, she's a "control freak" who feels guilty taking a break. But, I really think she needs a break now and then--it will make her a better caregiver if she gets some time for herself even if it's just to get her hair cut or do a little shopping on her own. Unfortunately, I live over a thousand miles away and work 50 plus hours a week, and I won't be able to go and help out myself until December because I used a lot of time I had visiting over the summer. Has anyone had experience with this? She agrees with my argument that she needs a break, but she is having a hard time actually doing it. I could pay for an initial meeting--should I just set it up so she gets comfortable with the idea of someone else watching him for a couple of hours? Or would that be perceived as me meddling too much? What do those of you giving long term care think? He is learning to be more and more independent, he just needs pretty much constant supervision at this point. Also, are there any support groups or online resources I could recommend?

TIA for your suggestions. I don't want her to burn out and get anxious and depressed.

rdflk · 09-10-2013, 05:38 AM

The key is getting MOM to see the benefit.
How about starting with someone coming in to help and work with your dad -- while your mom is there. Observing from a far, sort of like she's there for an emergency, BUT the aide is there to give her a break so she can go out if she likes or just rest right there in the house.

I don't mean she's hovering. I mean like a parent who works from home but who would still hire a babysitter. Because even though they're there in the house, the sitter is watching the kids so the parent can work. They're there -- but not there sort of thing.

That way mom can see how the aide is, and get comfortable with the idea of the person giving her a break. You just have to get mom to see how much of a help that could be.

Stagemomma · 09-10-2013, 06:09 AM

You said he was in outpatient therapeutic care...and would be returning home soon. Does his care facility/provider have a social worker? You should speak with them about Mom's ability to care (or not) or Dad and enlist their help. If they authoritatively explain to her that he needs someone to come in to do x, y. and z, then you can carry on as if there is no other option.

Be very matter of fact. Often people will respect a doctor's word far more than they will respect anyone else. Don't let her get into a position of making a decision based on emotion. It is a pit you will never get out of.

Stagemomma · 09-10-2013, 06:10 AM

You said he was in outpatient therapeutic care...and would be returning home soon. Does his care facility/provider have a social worker? You should speak with them about Mom's ability to care (or not) or Dad and enlist their help. If they authoritatively explain to her that he needs someone to come in to do x, y. and z, then you can carry on as if there is no other option.

Be very matter of fact. Often people will respect a doctor's word far more than they will respect anyone else. Don't let her get into a position of making a decision based on emotion. It is a pit you will never get out of.

diva360 · 09-10-2013, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdflk

The key is getting MOM to see the benefit.
How about starting with someone coming in to help and work with your dad -- while your mom is there. Observing from a far, sort of like she's there for an emergency, BUT the aide is there to give her a break so she can go out if she likes or just rest right there in the house.

I don't mean she's hovering. I mean like a parent who works from home but who would still hire a babysitter. Because even though they're there in the house, the sitter is watching the kids so the parent can work. They're there -- but not there sort of thing.

That way mom can see how the aide is, and get comfortable with the idea of the person giving her a break. You just have to get mom to see how much of a help that could be.

Thanks--that is a good idea. Then she would not have to relinquish too much control at once. I will see if she will agree to this, and then she will be able to see that she doesn't have to be there every second of the day. This is all new to me, and I hate being so far away, so I thank everyone for your suggestions.

Squirl · 09-11-2013, 02:46 PM

I did hospice care 14 years ago for my late husband. I was 49 years old and took a 6-month Leave from my job. Granted, he was very, very sick...but I was exhausted. My FIL came over a couple of mornings a week and I would go for a bike ride or run get groceries. This went on from September until his death the following January. Now, perhaps your dad is able to use a cell phone and your Mom can get away for a few hours at a time. Then its very different. But if someone needs to be there, tell her that -- I at 49 years of age and in perfect health -- was at my breaking point. You can help by buying her a massage once in a while as a treat!

diva360 · 09-11-2013, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squirl

I did hospice care 14 years ago for my late husband. I was 49 years old and took a 6-month Leave from my job. Granted, he was very, very sick...but I was exhausted. My FIL came over a couple of mornings a week and I would go for a bike ride or run get groceries. This went on from September until his death the following January. Now, perhaps your dad is able to use a cell phone and your Mom can get away for a few hours at a time. Then its very different. But if someone needs to be there, tell her that -- I at 49 years of age and in perfect health -- was at my breaking point. You can help by buying her a massage once in a while as a treat!

Thanks all: these are all good ideas. Once they get settled at home, I'll bring up the idea of trying someone out while my mom is there. My dad can use his cell phone, and I might even suggest the idea of using a baby monitor (though I don't want my dad to feel infantilized) so my mom can practice being several rooms away while still being able to hear what's going on, just to get used to the idea of not being the primary care giver once in a while. Has anyone ever tried that? She is just a major worrier and has big trust and control issues--I'm trying to think of good baby steps.

While he has been in outpatient, they have been staying in a close-by small apartment that the facility owns that is adjacent to it, so help has been readily available. Once they return home, the space will be bigger and harder to manage, and my mom will have to drive him to his therapies. He also just passed his swallow test, so she will have to start preparing him soft food rather than just administering his liquid food. I'm thinking these extra responsibilities will be even more exhausting, though I know she will be glad to be home.