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When my "nice" parent was aging. I told him I would be glad to care for him, but not my mother. He got sick some 10 year's ago, and died after two years. I managed his care. Did not do the day-to-day.
Fast forward to today, I have been involuntarily managing the care of my mother for eight year's (meaning I did not sign up for this but feel morally obligated to do it). It is very time-consuming and intense, even though it is not hands-on (thank God - could NOT do that).
I am burnt out and just sick of it. Every day I wake up to text messages and phone calls and I have to sort out all kinds of problems and run two households.
I would NEVER want to put my children through this, and pray to God that I find a way not to.
I personally believe that all relationships should be reciprocal - that one person should not just take, no matter what the circumstances. It is energetically and morally incorrect (according to my beliefs on the matter) to put someone in the position where you are totally dependent on them.
My mother is so "difficult" that I fear placing her in care (she has 24 hour care at home and goes through caregivers like water) because she acts out and I fear she would be evicted.
It turns out that even places that say they specialize in Alzheimer's and dementia, really only want nice little old ladies with memory problems, not angry, entitled people prone to rage attacks (swearing, yelling, demanding, demeaning, etc.).
This is just a vent but I don't know how much longer I can do this and I see no alternative. Like all of the other "reluctant caregivers," I suppose.
Continuing the vent . . . the 24 hour care is very expensive, so I am in the process of trying to find ways to finance it, which is very stressful . . . then there is the shopping, bill paying, insurance billing, doctor's appts., RX's, dealing with the rages and household and caregiver problems and management. It is a full-time job, and I am not exaggerating. Yesterday I woke up to four frantic texts followed by a dozen phone calls and more texts . . .today I thought I might get a day's reprieve, but no, sick caregiver, new one filling in . . . TV probs, medical problems, RX issues, etc. I am so depressed. I hate my life.
My mom's teeth were knocked out in the ALF by a violent resident. This person was kicked out; the ALF paid mom's dental bills. You can understand why an ALF would not want someone who hit people, and certainly you wouldn't want to work in a place where the people you were assisting were abusing toward you.
If you haven't done this already, I suggest asking your mom's doc for a mood altering drug. i am not advocating doping your mom up like a zombie. But the correct dose of the right drug might help her moderate her behavior. We actually did this for our mom who seemed depressed and made the meanest comments to people. The drug worked wonders. Mom seemed more serene.
My mother is not violent (to my knowledge), but there are varying degrees of violent or "difficult" Alzheimer's patients, and it would be nice if there were facilities that could care for them.
Your suggestion about the drugs is a good one. The doctor did prescribe an anti-psychotic (which I was very afraid of giving her), which has been a Godsend. It just seems to have modified the Sundowning behaviors and curbed the aggression a bit.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. That would be terrible!
My wife's mother's health is failing, and not only that but she's flat broke and is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy. So she will soon be counting on physical and financial help from her children. What makes me particularly angry is how unnecessary this all is because one, most of her health issues are lifestyle-induced (at 63 years old she's already worse off than my 87-year-old grandmother); and two, her husband left her a hell of a lot of money when he passed away that she mismanaged badly. Part of me wants to just tell her "tough sh*t lady, you're on your own" but we just can't bring ourselves do to that.
Sad stories. Wish I had helpful advice. I don't know if it helps, but I read the rants and send you guys my good thoughts. Does it seem to you, too, that we're the first generation dealing with this kind of thing on such a large scale? I can't tell you how many acquaintances and friends I'm losing touch with because we're caregiving all the time.
I personally believe that all relationships should be reciprocal - that one person should not just take, no matter what the circumstances. It is energetically and morally incorrect (according to my beliefs on the matter) to put someone in the position where you are totally dependent on them.
This is just a vent but I don't know how much longer I can do this and I see no alternative. Like all of the other "reluctant caregivers," I suppose.
imcurious, I'm in a somewhat different/similar situation to yours but with a similar set of attitudes and values. I believe all relationships should be reciprocal also, and I also believe that all obligations should be chosen. How so many of us end up in virtual bondage to people we would never have chosen to have in our lives (given a choice); it seems so wrong to me. And I think I know what you mean by "energetically" incorrect. The precious energy of a worthy, productive person is being forced down the drain of selfish, self-centered individual who gives nothing back, pays nothing forward and contributes nothing to anyone or anything. So much more could (and to my lights, should) be done with that energy.
We constantly hear all this moralizing about how taking care of our elders is the right thing to do, the only right thing to do, the noble enterprise which the best of us undertake gladly and with pride, and I personally think it's all a lot of crap. Taking care of some people is a worthy enterprise, and taking care of other people is a waste of someone's precious and irreplaceable life energy, and the difference has nothing to do with how old they are and how you're related to them. It has to do with who they are and what they mean to you. It is never right to sacrifice a greater value for a lesser value; that's from Ayn Rand. It is never right to cast your pearls before the swine; to waste your love on those who are incapable of benefitting from it by growing spiritually; that's M. Scott Peck. Opposite ends of the philosophical spectrum perhaps; but in agreement on this particular point.
And yet, there are so few choices, no better choice in many cases. There is an old person in need of a lot of help and with no available resources other than us. I'm doing it too, casting my own pearls before the swine. I am in pain every day because I want to live a life of meaning and purpose and this isn't one. To me, it isn't one. Lots of people will vehemently disagree and condemn my point of view. I've heard their opinions too, and I just don't agree. I believe what I believe, and everyone else is free to do the same.
imcurious, I'm in a somewhat different/similar situation to yours but with a similar set of attitudes and values. I believe all relationships should be reciprocal also, and I also believe that all obligations should be chosen. How so many of us end up in virtual bondage to people we would never have chosen to have in our lives (given a choice); it seems so wrong to me. And I think I know what you mean by "energetically" incorrect. The precious energy of a worthy, productive person is being forced down the drain of selfish, self-centered individual who gives nothing back, pays nothing forward and contributes nothing to anyone or anything. So much more could (and to my lights, should) be done with that energy.
We constantly hear all this moralizing about how taking care of our elders is the right thing to do, the only right thing to do, the noble enterprise which the best of us undertake gladly and with pride, and I personally think it's all a lot of crap. Taking care of some people is a worthy enterprise, and taking care of other people is a waste of someone's precious and irreplaceable life energy, and the difference has nothing to do with how old they are and how you're related to them. It has to do with who they are and what they mean to you. It is never right to sacrifice a greater value for a lesser value; that's from Ayn Rand. It is never right to cast your pearls before the swine; to waste your love on those who are incapable of benefitting from it by growing spiritually; that's M. Scott Peck. Opposite ends of the philosophical spectrum perhaps; but in agreement on this particular point.
And yet, there are so few choices, no better choice in many cases. There is an old person in need of a lot of help and with no available resources other than us. I'm doing it too, casting my own pearls before the swine. I am in pain every day because I want to live a life of meaning and purpose and this isn't one. To me, it isn't one. Lots of people will vehemently disagree and condemn my point of view. I've heard their opinions too, and I just don't agree. I believe what I believe, and everyone else is free to do the same.
Wannagonorth, I hear the compassion and frustration in your heart and wish you only the best. I know it is hard for you, but this too shall pass, and you will get your life back. I hope that you have somone in your life to share your load which will make it easier for you. If it is causing you more pain than it is worth, I would urge you to find another caregiver for your parent as it isn't healthy for either of you, and could end badly. Do you live in a state where they come after you if the relative goes to a home? I'm sure you have discussed all options with your doctor and local social workers to find alternative care.
Some people forget that we all started as children, unable to care for ourselves, and become bitter and hostile when it comes to caring for those who cared for us. It reminds me that we should all be compassionate towards parents raising special needs children as well as children with special needs parents.
imcurious, I'm in a somewhat different/similar situation to yours but with a similar set of attitudes and values. I believe all relationships should be reciprocal also, and I also believe that all obligations should be chosen. How so many of us end up in virtual bondage to people we would never have chosen to have in our lives (given a choice); it seems so wrong to me. And I think I know what you mean by "energetically" incorrect. The precious energy of a worthy, productive person is being forced down the drain of selfish, self-centered individual who gives nothing back, pays nothing forward and contributes nothing to anyone or anything. So much more could (and to my lights, should) be done with that energy.
We constantly hear all this moralizing about how taking care of our elders is the right thing to do, the only right thing to do, the noble enterprise which the best of us undertake gladly and with pride, and I personally think it's all a lot of crap. Taking care of some people is a worthy enterprise, and taking care of other people is a waste of someone's precious and irreplaceable life energy, and the difference has nothing to do with how old they are and how you're related to them. It has to do with who they are and what they mean to you. It is never right to sacrifice a greater value for a lesser value; that's from Ayn Rand. It is never right to cast your pearls before the swine; to waste your love on those who are incapable of benefitting from it by growing spiritually; that's M. Scott Peck. Opposite ends of the philosophical spectrum perhaps; but in agreement on this particular point.
And yet, there are so few choices, no better choice in many cases. There is an old person in need of a lot of help and with no available resources other than us. I'm doing it too, casting my own pearls before the swine. I am in pain every day because I want to live a life of meaning and purpose and this isn't one. To me, it isn't one. Lots of people will vehemently disagree and condemn my point of view. I've heard their opinions too, and I just don't agree. I believe what I believe, and everyone else is free to do the same.
Thank you for your thoughtful perspectives. I read Ayn Rand as a teen and don't recall the philosophy much and am a big fan of M. Scott Peck ("Life is difficult." - no ****!).
I like your thinking on the "energetics" of it all . . . I was referring to something I learned in my studies of Feng Shui about "energy exchange" and that there must always be a balance. It is not morally appropriate for one side to simply take, depleting the other side.
I have spiritual beliefs that at some level I must have "signed up" for this, but it was a surprise to my conscious awareness in this life.
This is not the first caregiving gig I have done in this life. I raised children and then assisted in raising a grandchild (was a surrogate parent), then managed the care of my dad and now my mom. I am tired.
I do have dreams for myself, which I can barely remember. I cannot devote one minute of time to my interests. I think I could be doing really positive, beneficial, enjoyable things . . . I hope all of the life is not sucked out of me.
This morning, again, I awoke to caregiver problems. I vowed I am going to "think positive" today because I can get really resentful and fearful and that does no one any good.
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