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Yesterday morning a friend's husband died. He had long term respiratory problems and had been in the hospital for about a week. When she called to tell me, she was pleased that she managed to get to the hospital in time to be holding him in her arms when he had his last breath.
I've heard others comment about being with a person when that person passes. It is not something I would ever want and I would do whatever is necessary to avoid. Is it something you could do or not?
Years ago I witnessed, what I still call, a 'happy passing'. My step-grandad was in the hospital and not going to come home. There were quite a few of us there, in the room, keeping vigil. Then he surprised us all by sitting straight up, with the biggest smile on his face and pointing to 'something' on the opposite side of the room. He was so happy to see 'it', talked about it and told 'it' to "wait for me!". Then he laid back down, still with that huge smile, and 'left' us. I'm 'assuming' he saw his family members that had gone before.
When I was doing in home health care I had one terminal lady who was getting worse every day. Half the time she didn't know who I was but she also 'saw' others around us. She would sit up and say "Hi! It's been a long time!" and things like that. What was she seeing? I have no idea but it was real to her.
I sometimes think that if all our loved ones left like that it might not be so hard. It seems like they are going on an adventure. Maybe they are.
I didn't get to be with my dad when he passed and I regret that to this day. I had gone to work, went home sick and just got settled when my mom called me. I, really fast, packed a bag, jumped in the car and drove those 50 miles as fast as I legally could. I didn't make it in time. Mom said it was okay, he was "ready to go" and everything was very peaceful. One last huge heart attack so I KNOW he must have had pain. That just kills me.
My mom was in the nursing home and had been in failing health congestive heart failure, diabetes with amputation of one leg and deteriorating vision. My father had died of Altzhiemers disease several years before. That last year she had been "rushed to the hospital" several times in crises and then back to the nursing home.....she was so tired of it. She was in her eighties, and had had a wonderfully rich and rewarding life....at this point she was worn down.
I spoke to her doctor and he said medically she would continue to have crises that necessitated emergency visits to the hospital.....there really wasn't any getting her better.....she would just continue to get weaker and weaker and more dependant on care......until she passed. I asked the doctor why was it necessary to send her to the ER everytime and he said the staff at the nursing home wanted to be sure they were doing all they could and the hospital HAD to provide aggressive care if she arrived via ambulance for treatment.
We discussed options and decided on hospice referral and no further ambulance rides to the ER....I knew from talking to Mom that when the time came she had no dread of death.....her only dread was the continued indignity of her infirmities, and of lingering way past her time. She had said when it was time.....she would decline food and liquids and all medications other than palliative care. (to alleviate pain).
With the help of hospice volunteers....when she next went into crises....she stayed at the nursing home....family gathered and she passed peacefully after several days. It is very hard to sit by the side of your mother and watch her slip away.....getting weaker and fainter and less and less conscious. When she passed I had stepped out...but my older brother and sil were with her. They said it was totally peaceful.
She was a gutsy and brave woman; I feel her with me everyday.
Sometimes, it's not something you can help. Before my dad passed, he had to be admitted to the hospital. He was there one night and the ER dr told me I would not be able to take care of him at home anymore. I said I would not put him in a home. My dad died the next day.
I was at home with my little boy, who was 11 months old then when his dr called me personally and told me to get there right away to see him before he left us.
I went up there and I guess it wasn't more than an hour that he passed. I was 21. I wanted someone to just do something. I watched him take his last breath and I ran down the hall and the nurses were just very matter of fact in letting me know that is what happens when a person dies. I ran back to the room and he was just as I had left him, laying in his bed..gone.
It had be the worst day of my life. It was the worst day of my life. I would not have changed it. I was there for him. It was tough, and I lost my best friend. It was almost the same for my mother. I left her room for just a few minutes and she was gone. I was with her the whole day and for 2 minutes I was gone and she passed. I have always thought she waited for me to leave the room....
There are times when the person who is dying doesn't want to hurt the surviving loved one.....and hangs on, while the loved one tries to stay to be there when they pass......and it works out that they leave to run home or to take a rest break......and in that time......the person who is dying......passes. I think it is sometimes easier for the patient to die when they have a moment alone.....and don't have to worry about hurting the survivor.
My dear mother passed in the little time I left her room ..... my brother and SIL were there. I think my having stepped out made it easier for her. We were very close.
My mother left in just the same way. Someone was nearly always in her room... for days and days. She decided that it was time to leave, 4 AM, when we went home for a few hours sleep. We, too, were very close. I guess that she tiptoed out when I wasn't watching.
I was with her in the hospital room when my father died. She seemed very upset, too upset, at the moment of his death. I got the feeling that she didn't want to be there. We knew that he was going to pass, but watching it seemed too much for her.
I watched my father die. Long story, but my sister - my only sibling, 7 years older than me - as first named on the health care power of attorney, bullied every medical professional to take steps to keep him alive, then flew home, leaving me to deal with it alone.
He died despite her interventions and ignoring my input - I was the person who had actually been there, while she flew down once a year until the end, but I was the "little sister" who, in her mind, knew nothing.
I was all alone watching him die. It was NOT a peaceful death. And I still have nightmares about it, almost two years later.
Four months ago my husband died in my arms while in the hospital and I am glad I was there because he was afraid he would die alone. When my dad died in 2002, I wasn't there and it still bothers me after all these years because no family was by his side. I was on my way back to the hospital after taking care of some business when he passed. The nurse said he probably waited for me to leave so he could go because he didn't want me to witness his passing. When my mom died I was stuck in traffic on the turnpike back in 1997! I never got to say a final goodbye to either of my parents.
I'm glad I ran across this thread. My wife passed on a little more than three years ago. We knew she was terminally ill and I was caring for her at home, with daily hospice visits.
On her final night I was sitting on a kitchen chair beside her bed talking to her and giving her little sips of water and medications as needed. About midnight I was falling off the chair so I gave her a sip of water and meds and then flopped down on the other bed shoved next to hers and went right to sleep. When I awoke about an hour later it was apparent she had passed as I slept.
Anyway, when the hospice nurse got there I was berating myself for not being able to stay awake for a little longer for her. The nurse told me that she was ready to go and just waiting for me to go to sleep so she could pass on her own.
I wasn't sure I should believe the nurse, but after reading of the similar experiences, I do feel a lot better about it.
I am sorry to hear all your losses. I was told by the Hospice Nurse that many people wait to die when their loved one leaves the room. AT 11 p.m. I told my friend who was staying with me, I had to go see my husband he is dying, so we drove 30 miles to where he was at and they opened the door and I explained to nurse my husband was dying, he told me. So we all were talking in his room and the nurse asked me how I knew he was ready to die, I told her my husband gave word to me. The nurse and our friend left me alone with my husband and I kissed his face all over, told him I loved him and and I did not cry, just knew this was the end. When I got home, I was called to say he passed and then nurse said, "you were right". .
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