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Hi everyone. I am seeking suggestions and advice please.
Dad is 82 and in good health but I do see some mild dementia at times, but he is pretty with it.
Mom is 83 and was diagnosed 3.5 years ago with terminal lung cancer.. She was given 6-8 weeks to live, and they did palliative radiation. Fast forward and while it was touch and go a few times, she is still alive against all odds. She is on oxygen 24/7, has COPD, mild to moderate dementia, problems ambulating and has a hard time following even the most uncomplicated conversations.
Ok, my dad tends to be a bit of a selfish guy, when she was first diagnosed he was very angry and focused on "who is going to grocery shop and cook". He refused to try to cook because he feels it's a woman's job.
My moms doctor now states she is in remission. My dad, stating that he is too busy to drive her to her hair appointment and such, told me that he "needs to get her back to driving". He was not kidding.
I have not yet called their doctor because my dad has forbidden me to do so but I did find a link to the DMV that explains I can write a letter and tell them why she should not be able to drive. However, she has to show up at the DMV to renew they won't make contact with her, so I can see my dad easily letting her drive without a license. I have suggested he let her use a town car service (they can easily afford this) but he says no.
I drive her when I can but I work and travel for work so I am simply not around all the time.
Does your mom want to drive? would she drive if he handed her the keys and said "here ya go honey, take yourself up to the beatuy shop for your appointment? whay would your mother do?
Does your mom want to drive? would she drive if he handed her the keys and said "here ya go honey, take yourself up to the beatuy shop for your appointment? whay would your mother do?
Yep, she would teeter out to the car and try to drive away. She is very upset she cannot drive anymore.
Yep, she would teeter out to the car and try to drive away. She is very upset she cannot drive anymore.
Personally i would write a letter to the DMV explaining your mother is an unsafe driver. Give as many examoles of specific events that have occured to support your claim and include any trends you have seen that support your claim. If she doesnt go and gets her lic suspended and continues to drive anyways. You can call the police when you know she is going to be driving and they may be able to pull her over and that may be enough to stop her from driving and stop your dad from lletting/making her drive. The car could get impounded if she is pulled over for driving on a suspended but im not sure. I know this sounds horrible, harsh and extreme but you may not have a lot of other options.
I deff feel and understand the frustrations and worry and dread you doing it you feel. I recently went thru the driving thing with my grandpa and i wont lie to you, i wasnt easy but im he isnt driving anymore
also would your mother knowing her lic has been revoked be enough to stop her from driving?
Thank you. I think my mom would actually forget from moment to moment that she has no license, so she would drive anyway.
Nothing you wrote sounded harsh. There is not only a safety issue for her but a public peril issue as well.
It's puzzling to me that they don't recognize that they are impaired. Sigh... I guess I might be the same someday.
Hi everyone. I am seeking suggestions and advice please.
Dad is 82 and in good health but I do see some mild dementia at times, but he is pretty with it.
Mom is 83 and was diagnosed 3.5 years ago with terminal lung cancer.. She was given 6-8 weeks to live, and they did palliative radiation. Fast forward and while it was touch and go a few times, she is still alive against all odds. She is on oxygen 24/7, has COPD, mild to moderate dementia, problems ambulating and has a hard time following even the most uncomplicated conversations.
Ok, my dad tends to be a bit of a selfish guy, when she was first diagnosed he was very angry and focused on "who is going to grocery shop and cook". He refused to try to cook because he feels it's a woman's job.
My moms doctor now states she is in remission. My dad, stating that he is too busy to drive her to her hair appointment and such, told me that he "needs to get her back to driving". He was not kidding.
I have not yet called their doctor because my dad has forbidden me to do so but I did find a link to the DMV that explains I can write a letter and tell them why she should not be able to drive. However, she has to show up at the DMV to renew they won't make contact with her, so I can see my dad easily letting her drive without a license. I have suggested he let her use a town car service (they can easily afford this) but he says no.
I drive her when I can but I work and travel for work so I am simply not around all the time.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
Have you ridden with your mother recently, as to judge her driving ability for yourself? If you have not, because you are seriously afraid for your safety then you need to step up and report her to her doctor, the DMV, the police and whoever else will listen. And have a frank discussion with your father.
Or are you going to wait until your mother drives and has an accident killing herself and the people in another car or hits and kills a pedestrian? Last year a man in his mid 80s in my city, who should not have been driving, killed an entire family in another car while driving the wrong way on the freeway. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His children and grandchildren said they knew that he shouldn't be driving but were "afraid to confront him". Worse case scenario, could your mother handle a prison term?
Recently someone here wrote about their grandfather, who should not have been driving, who ran a stop sign and killed a 21 year old man but did not even show any remorse over killing someone. However his family felt terrible about not being more aggressive about taking away his car keys which resulted in a death of an innocent young man. (at least that is how I recall the story).
I hate to be so blunt. But a caring child and a responsible citizen sometimes needs to make difficult decisions to protect the innocent.
BTW If your dad is showing "mild dementia at times" is he a safe driver? What if his "mild dementia" acts up when he is in a school zone? Just something to consider. They do have private driving instructors who can do assessments at your home. I requested one for my relative.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-11-2013 at 10:20 PM..
Having had to take my mother's car keys away (after she totaled my car at age 82) and having watched many of my friends have to do the same against extreme resistance, I feel for you. As far as constructive advice goes, not so much. This is such a Catch 22 ... the fact that elders don't understand why they shouldn't be driving is the evidence that they shouldn't be driving.
I honestly don't understand why insurers aren't more on the forefront of this issue. They don't have any trouble jacking up rates sky-high when there's a teenage driver on the policy. Meanwhile, analyses show that the skill levels of elderly drivers are very similar to that of young teens. A five-year study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University and the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety revealed that from ages 75 to 84, the rate of about three deaths per 100 million miles driven is equal to the death rate of teenage drivers. For drivers 85 and older, the fatality rate skyrockets to nearly four times higher than that for teens. That would be bad enough, without even considering that the number of drivers over the age of 75 is skyrocketing.An article in USA Today says, "Normal aging causes medical problems that affect driving. Reflexes, flexibility, visual acuity, memory and the ability to focus all decline with age. Medicines that treat various ailments also make it more difficult to focus and make snap decisions. Elderly drivers are less likely than other drivers to be in crashes involving high speeds or alcohol, but they are more likely to crash at intersections where they miss a stop sign or turn left in front of oncoming traffic."
That's the verdict on normal aging. Something your mother is, unfortunately, not experiencing. If all the problems listed above were the only ones she had it would be sad enough. But with her additional health issues, she is likely also to forget where she is, have a coughing spell, have trouble with her oxygen, or some other complication while she's behind the wheel.
My mother was already having what you call "ambulatory issues" when she wrecked my car — and that was the cause. She tried to stop when the traffic ahead of her slowed for a construction vehicles and to use her words, "I just couldn't get my foot to work on the brake." She hit two other cars, totaled the one she was operating, and was charged with reckless driving. She was one mile from home when this happened, which demonstrates that the excuse, "I was just going around the corner," is irrelevant.
It sounds to me as if your father's conveniences trump any feeling he has for public safety. So maybe you can prevail upon your mother to make a sensible choice. If she calls a car service without asking permission first, what's he going to do about it?
Have you ridden with your mother recently, as to judge her driving ability for yourself? If you have not, because you are seriously afraid for your safety then you need to step up and report her to her doctor, the DMV, the police and whoever else will listen. And have a frank discussion with your father.
Or are you going to wait until your mother drives and has an accident killing herself and the people in another car or hits and kills a pedestrian? Last year a man in his mid 80s in my city, who should not have been driving, killed an entire family in another car while driving the wrong way on the freeway. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His children and grandchildren said they knew that he shouldn't be driving but were "afraid to confront him". Worse case scenario, could your mother handle a prison term?
Recently someone here wrote about their grandfather, who should not have been driving, who ran a stop sign and killed a 21 year old man but did not even show any remorse over killing someone. However his family felt terrible about not being more aggressive about taking away his car keys which resulted in a death of an innocent young man. (at least that is how I recall the story).
I hate to be so blunt. But a caring child and a responsible citizen sometimes needs to make difficult decisions to protect the innocent.
BTW If your dad is showing "mild dementia at times" is he a safe driver? What if his "mild dementia" acts up when he is in a school zone? Just something to consider. They do have private driving instructors who can do assessments at your home. I requested one for my relative.
I appreciate your bluntness. This is a situation that requires I intervene in a fashion that is going to make my parents mad as wet hens, but it's going to happen. I agree that my mom could kill someone. I have not ridden with her in ten years because I always drove/drive.
Having had to take my mother's car keys away (after she totaled my car at age 82) and having watched many of my friends have to do the same against extreme resistance, I feel for you. As far as constructive advice goes, not so much. This is such a Catch 22 ... the fact that elders don't understand why they shouldn't be driving is the evidence that they shouldn't be driving.
I honestly don't understand why insurers aren't more on the forefront of this issue. They don't have any trouble jacking up rates sky-high when there's a teenage driver on the policy. Meanwhile, analyses show that the skill levels of elderly drivers are very similar to that of young teens. A five-year study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University and the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety revealed that from ages 75 to 84, the rate of about three deaths per 100 million miles driven is equal to the death rate of teenage drivers. For drivers 85 and older, the fatality rate skyrockets to nearly four times higher than that for teens. That would be bad enough, without even considering that the number of drivers over the age of 75 is skyrocketing.An article in USA Today says, "Normal aging causes medical problems that affect driving. Reflexes, flexibility, visual acuity, memory and the ability to focus all decline with age. Medicines that treat various ailments also make it more difficult to focus and make snap decisions. Elderly drivers are less likely than other drivers to be in crashes involving high speeds or alcohol, but they are more likely to crash at intersections where they miss a stop sign or turn left in front of oncoming traffic."
That's the verdict on normal aging. Something your mother is, unfortunately, not experiencing. If all the problems listed above were the only ones she had it would be sad enough. But with her additional health issues, she is likely also to forget where she is, have a coughing spell, have trouble with her oxygen, or some other complication while she's behind the wheel.
My mother was already having what you call "ambulatory issues" when she wrecked my car — and that was the cause. She tried to stop when the traffic ahead of her slowed for a construction vehicles and to use her words, "I just couldn't get my foot to work on the brake." She hit two other cars, totaled the one she was operating, and was charged with reckless driving. She was one mile from home when this happened, which demonstrates that the excuse, "I was just going around the corner," is irrelevant.
It sounds to me as if your father's conveniences trump any feeling he has for public safety. So maybe you can prevail upon your mother to make a sensible choice. If she calls a car service without asking permission first, what's he going to do about it?
Thank you for this. Excellent stats and article. I agree with everything and appreciate you taking the time to respond.
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