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For those of you with experience caring for someone with dementia, what do you do when they're mean to you?
I'm taking care of my dad sometimes when my mom's at work. My dad has good days and then he has days like today, when he doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want to watch tv, won't go for a walk (but he did go out to stand in the rain earlier and cuss my daughter when she asked him to come back in), won't do anything I suggest like puzzles or poker or coloring (all of these were fun to him a couple of weeks ago), and keeps following me around the house and asking why I'm trying to kill him. My daughter is here too and every time she says a word, he yells at her to shut the ---- up.
I called my mom and said she'll have to come pick him up. I can really understand why she doesn't want to hurry back, how on earth can someone deal with this all the time?
Are there any support groups in your area for families that have a loved one suffering from dementia? It might be helpful if you could talk with someone that will truly understand. Also there are social services that will send a caretaker out a few times a year for free so that the care giver can take a little break. My stepfather was diagnosed with dementia while he was suffering with Parkinsons. He was never particularly mean though but he did have his good and bad days. It takes a lot of patience to deal with someone during their bad days and is an emotional and physical drain. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you, but a support group really did help my family understand him better, cope with the difficult times with him and find ways of dealing with him.
For those of you with experience caring for someone with dementia, what do you do when they're mean to you?
I'm taking care of my dad sometimes when my mom's at work. My dad has good days and then he has days like today, when he doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want to watch tv, won't go for a walk (but he did go out to stand in the rain earlier and cuss my daughter when she asked him to come back in), won't do anything I suggest like puzzles or poker or coloring (all of these were fun to him a couple of weeks ago), and keeps following me around the house and asking why I'm trying to kill him. My daughter is here too and every time she says a word, he yells at her to shut the ---- up.
I called my mom and said she'll have to come pick him up. I can really understand why she doesn't want to hurry back, how on earth can someone deal with this all the time?
This is something I don't think anyone should have to deal with.Abuse is not something we are responsible for,imo.This is a hard one to answer.Good luck/
I would suggest ruling out medical reasons common to dementia patients.Have your mother schedule an appointment with his doctor and have a discussion and if you can be with her. There are medications that can help. First is a trip to the doctor.
I would suggest ruling out medical reasons common to dementia patients.Have your mother schedule an appointment with his doctor and have a discussion and if you can be with her. There are medications that can help. First is a trip to the doctor.
Also you might want to read this blog about a journey with her mother dealing with dementia. It is very enlightening: DEMENTIA'S DAUGHTER - Home
I would add testing for UTI. Many times when older people start acting out of character or behaviors/confusion are suddenly worse, they have a urinary tract infection. It is the FIRST thing we check for in the nursing home I work in.
One of my mother's doctors explained to me that sometimes with dementia the "reptilian" nature of the patient will leak through. The dementia causes the usual filters to disolve and the patient says the most horrible and hurtful things. With our mother it has to do with money. That is not unusual. She accuses us of stealing her money. Heck, she accuses everyone of stealing her stuff.
It was a really tough number of years for us. It's hard not to take that kind of attack personally. Mother has been in a "memory care" unit at a very nice assisted living location since 2008. She loves it. She still will accuse us and the employees of swiping her money. It's comes up out of the clear blue and she won't let it go. My brother-in-law is able to deal with her better than my sis and I can.
If it gets too bad I will leave and my sister does the same thing. If we didn't have the memory care unit for her I don't know what we would do. There is no way either of us could deal with her in either of our homes. I'm so sorry that you and your mother have to deal with this. It's painful, I know.
The real issue is mean Grandparents and children. My Grandmother became quite mean as she had dementia, and often, would say cruel things to my daughter. My daughter would cry, I would tell her Grandmother was sick, but, it was not a good experience.
Limit contact with your child. That is your primary person you take care of. If you do respite care for your Mother, take care of him when your kids are not around.
The real issue is mean Grandparents and children. My Grandmother became quite mean as she had dementia, and often, would say cruel things to my daughter. My daughter would cry, I would tell her Grandmother was sick, but, it was not a good experience.
Limit contact with your child. That is your primary person you take care of. If you do respite care for your Mother, take care of him when your kids are not around.
That is the main problem, my daughter is only 11. She goes to virtual school, so she's home with me all the time. My 7 year old said she's scared to come home from school when grandpa is there.
My Dad is schizophrenic too.
For now, I told my mom she can't drop him off...she can bring him for a visit but she can't leave him here. I feel bad that she can't take a break, but she has money for his care and they have health insurance, she's just very cheap...but i can't let him scream at my kid.
He behaved perfectly once my mom was back, and he apologized for acting crazy and said he was sane again. That just makes me feel like he was doing it on purpose though.
That is the main problem, my daughter is only 11. She goes to virtual school, so she's home with me all the time. My 7 year old said she's scared to come home from school when grandpa is there.
My Dad is schizophrenic too.
For now, I told my mom she can't drop him off...she can bring him for a visit but she can't leave him here. I feel bad that she can't take a break, but she has money for his care and they have health insurance, she's just very cheap...but i can't let him scream at my kid.
He behaved perfectly once my mom was back, and he apologized for acting crazy and said he was sane again. That just makes me feel like he was doing it on purpose though.
Yes, he may be able to control his actions, but for some reason, chooses not to. I agree with what you did totally. To me it sounds as if your dad should be in assisted care. But you say your mom doesn't agree, so you just have to let her cope.
Your dad may have a crisis at some point that forces the issue, or your mom's health might take a turn for the worst. These things happen. In the meantime, short visits with both parents are the best.
On such days medicate him with Ativan or similar. If he rejects swallowing, it dissolves the moment it's in a mouth and the tablets are tiny.
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