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My mil is 83 and has dementia. Her two children live in the states and she lives in ireland. Since May, we have had someone coming into her once a day to check on her. Four weeks ago she fell and was in hospital for 3 weeks. The reason why they kept her was that they knew she had nobody at home and we had to set up somebody else to come into her.
I went there, met with the doctors and nurses and the powers that be. Then I came back and organized with an agency to have someone come in twice a day.
My dh arrived there today. His mum wants nobody coming in, wants to stay in her own home and does not want to go to a nursing home. We are trying to keep her in her own home as long as possible, but she also wont pay for anyone to come in. We just dont have the money ; we have been paying her bills for over 20 years now and I think we have been more than generous. She has some money in the bank but its all under her name only and if dh suggests adding his name on, she says that he is trying to take her money. Yea, he is trying to take her money to pay for her care!! Her house is also only in her name. her daughter is a doctor and wants nothing to do with the mother so it falls on us to help her.
She thinks that she can manage herself. She cannot walk unassisted, forgets to eat, dosnt answer the phone. He arrived today on a red eye and had wait for 2 hours until she heard the doorbell. He has keys but she had put a key into the hole on the other side. She didnt answer the phone when he called. So he stood with his finger on the bell. Then she had an appt with the gereatrician and they waited for 3 hours ; in the end, they left. Dh has an appt on thursday with the gp and public health nurse.
it feels as if our hands are so tied and that we cannot do anything for her at all. The only thing would be to move back and that is really not an option as our kids are still in middle school here. I wish she would just accept a person coming in once a day. There is no compromise at all with her.
Do they have anything like guardianship in Ireland like they have here in the US because she doesn't appear to be competent?
My dh would have to have her declared a ward of state. The hospital maintains that she can still make a descision on where she wants to live so i dont know if the courts would be able to have her declared that.
She wont give up anything ; even to get dh's name on her accounts, or a power of attorney or anything like that. We just want to use her money to get decent care for her. Its such a frustrating situation.
I hate to say it, but sometimes, in cases like this, you just have to sit back and wait until things get worse. It doesn't always turn out well, but let's hope for the best.
There are a whole lot of us in the same situation out there. We had four elders and now are down to two. Mom stayed at home even when bedridden when I am sure she would have been so much more comfortable with more help and consistent assistance. Dad always refused to live closer to us and we were 600 miles away.
Good to know that there are others in the same situation. Its just so hard when parents get to this age and slowely are declining but will not accept help. My mum is 88 and she is starting to go downhill but she has my siblings near her so that helps out a lot. She also has no problem asking/demanding help.
My mil on the other hand has no family at all near her ; she has alienated neighbours and so it is necessary that she has help but she is refusing it.
Can one of the old ones put in her two cents worth?
The time is coming soon when we should have help. It would be nice from time to time to have someone do the housework, shopping, etc.
BUT.... I know that I will never accept help if I think I am getting along OK without it. And that's what is important....what the person wants. It may not be the best or safest solution, but unless there is some real danger, I think that it's important to be able to do what I want....and not what others think is best.
Of course, if the person becomes so far gone that dementia is a problem, then it's time to seek legal help to resolve the issue. Custodial care is never welcomed. But often, it something that must be done. It's a 24/7 sort of problem. Plan ahead on this so that you can move quickly if you need to.
My mil has fallen three times ; and is a very big fall risk. She does not walk well, goes up the stairs sideways and is maybe 80lbs soaking wet. She forgets to eat, forgets to take her meds and thinks that she goes to the town on the bus every day and chats with her friends.
In reality, she gets up around 10, putters around the house, cleans the house and vacuums. She putters around the garden also, moving big pots inside and outside. She drinks lots of tea and takes a nap in the afternoon. Then she gets up again, putters around the house and goes to bed at midnight. One day a week she goes to painting (she is an awesome painter). She cannot manage to walk and carry a grocery bag at the same time. I will not take the housekeeping away from her as she loves to do it. But what is necessary is someone to come in once a day for maybe 2 hours to make sure she eats and takes her meds. They could take her to town also if she wants. She will not remember to pay bills like the lawnguy. We pay her heat, telephone and electric bills.
She thinks she is fine on her own. If we can get her to accept someone coming in once a day, we will have succeeded in something. Sometimes she says yes, its a good thing. Other times she says that she dosnt want anyone in bothering her.My dh is trying to at least get it once a day. Then as the time goes on and she needs more, we can move that up too.
As frustrating as it is, you may have to do as Padgett2 suggested. Stepping back and letting things get worse. And they most assuredly will.
In the alternative, your husband could pursue conservatorship. There will still be someone in the Dept of Social Services who will oversee the case, but your husband will be able to make decisions without the constant fighting from his mother.
My heart goes out to you. I really commend your husband and you for staying involved, even though you live so far away. Believe me when I tell you that your kindness won't be forgotten.
Yes, we have decided to let things get worse. The doctors and nurses all think that it is no problem for us to have someone come in privately daily for 5-6 hours a day. It would cost about 20 euro an hour which comes to about 700 euro a week. My mil does not want to have someone come into her house and sees no point in paying for it. All this person would be doing is watching tv with my mil. My mil will not let her/him launder, vacuum, cook or anything else. So basically if she wanted to pay this person, it would be a lot of money for watching tv with someone who does not want them there!!
We do not have access to her accounts so we cannot pay the person out of my mil's funds. We do not have that kind of money ; we just moved to a new city, have two boys still in middle school and need to find jobs for ourselves. In Ireland, as the public health nurse knows that my mil is alone and a huge fall risk, they are obligated to check on her. At the moment, the public health nurse is checking on her three times a week to change a dressing on her leg. One of us will go back in a few weeks, check out nursing homes, file the paperwork for a nursing home so that is in place when that time comes. When my dh comes home on Tuesday, he will contact the attorney that my mil has and just lay it all out to her.
We absolutely hate to leave it like this. But our hands are tied. She has all the control even though she is not thinking rationally.She does not want help, does not want to pay for help but yet does not want to go into a nursing home. Her doctors and nurses say she is ok to make a descision, but yet they want someone there 5-6 hours a day min. Dh looked into her stove this week and there was a chicken there that had been there for weeks. She seems to hoard food but dosnt eat what is in the house. We will make an appt with a geriatrician and will try to fly home for that appt and get the definate diagnosis. She saw a geriatrician when she was in the hospital but the only follow up was to let her home with supervision!!
i could go on and on, but you all know what the situation is. We will go home again at Christmas and see what we can do at that stage. Maybe she will be in a nursing home by then ; not that we want that, but it would be the safest thing at this stage.
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