Mom is terminally ill and dad is pouting

[Ten Cat]

Originally Posted by Grandmax4

I'm at a loss as to how to deal with my dad, while I care for my terminally ill mother. Because of our family history, my siblings and I are trying hard to make our mother's final months as comfortable and happy as possible. My dad has always been a huge control freak and a bully. My mom has tolerated his behavior for almost 60 years. Now that my mother is getting a lot of well-deserved attention, my dad spends time pouting over it.

For example, my sister purchased a new tv for my mom...same size and style as the one my dad has in his room. Dad is no longer content with sitting and watching tv in his own room, as he's done for years, and now comes into my mom's room and wants to take control of the remote. He and my mom have completely different tastes in shows. It also doesn't matter to him if she's napping. He will turn the tv on and go full volume! The man can't hear and refuses to wear his hearing aides. He became upset when it was pointed out to him that he had his own tv in his own room and he needed to watch there.

When my cousin bought my mom a memory foam mattress pad for her bed, my dad decided he now wanted to lie in her bed. This wouldn't be so bad, if he wouldn't position himself crosswise on the bed, limiting the amount of space he gives my mom.

My sister and I are not inclined to put up with his childishness, but it's difficult to try to talk to him about it without him having a huge tantrum. Before anyone suggests the possibility, he does not suffer from dementia. This has always been his personality. Has anyone had the same problem with a parent? What did you do?

Your Dad has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Look it up. He fits the description to a tee.

Can you move your poor Mother to your house? I know it sucks, but if he acts this way when you are around, imagine how he acts when you are not.

What an assh*le.

[Ten Cat]

Originally Posted by theatergypsy

From what you said in your first post, I'm inclined to think that your Dad knows that the end is coming and is trying to spend as much time in your Mom's company as possible. You and your sibs are seeing it as pouting, but it sounds to me like being sorry that he didn't spend more time being nice to her for all the years they were together.

You think of her as your Mom, but he remembers her as his Wife.

That is what you got from OP's post?

No offense, but what color is your Unicorn? Come on now...

[Ten Cat]

Originally Posted by anifani821

If I read correctly, you are living in the house, right?

How much do you stay in the room with your mom?

Cause I am thinking, the only way to handle keeping your father out of your mother's room is to lock the door so he can't get in.

I know this sounds harsh, but yeah . . . if you want to manage your Dad, you are going to need legal intervention . . . does he stomp, throw things, slam doors, etc when he is thwarted? Get in your face? I will bet he has a personality disorder (undiagnosed) and has been bullying your mother their entire marriage, just because he can. She has doubtless walked on eggshells to avoid his temper tantrums.

If he gets violent or stomps, waves arms, slams things, tell him you are going to call 911 because he is out of control and needs mental health intervention. Maybe threatening this will be enough, but probably not.

The thing is . . . you have to be willling to truly call 911. Every state has different laws and resources vary county to county, city to city . . . but many states have a simple process to get mental health professionals involved with an evaluation. If you are willing to go that route, call and ask the sheriff's department or the police department to speak with their community resource person and find out what is involved with getting an intervention if he acts out.

It just depends how far you want to go with this. I can imagine how you and your sister feel and personally, I would want to have the satisfaction of knowing that the man didn't get away with bullying my mom at the end of her life. But I am a hard arse about this stuff and not everyone has the stomach to get authorities involved. It seems extreme but I would bet money that there is no way to control your Dad except with intervention. He has been doing this crap his whole life. As others have said - he isn't going to change now.

The goal with an intervention is to get him on meds and quietened down and for him to understand that you and your sister are not going to allow his continued bad behaviors. It may be he will be diagnosed and truly helped so he could cope with life better.

Whatever you do, know that others have either been through similar situations or have witnessed them. There are a lot of people out there with personality disorders that spill over into family relationships. Sadly, your father's behavior isn't unique. :-(

EXACTLY THIS

Don't let your father's sickness ruin your Mom's remaining time on this earth. Figure out a way to put him in his place. Your brother needs to step up to the plate and help get your old man in hand.

[Grandmax4]

I finally came back to this thread. Anyway...I do know that I'm angry with my dad for how he treated my mother throughout their married life. I also know that I can't change him. He is a spoiled, manipulative, bullying old man. Someone said that he may want to just spend time with my mom at this point in order to make up for lost time. I call BS because that didn't begin until she received all these gifts. Funny how it all stopped when my sister gave him a new gadget that allows him to watch Netflix movies on his tv. He hasn't set foot in her room to "spend time" with her since then. Moving her to my house is a no-go because we live 1500 miles apart, plus my mom wants to die in her own home.

At least the new gadget keeps him occupied and, otherwise, out of the way. My mom is now under hospice care and we've had a whole slew of people in and out of the house, which has occupied my time. Thank you for all the replies and suggestions.