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You all offered me such great support last year when I started this journey, I could really use some advice now. To give some background, I am the only child of divorced parents. My mother also is an only child and we have no close relatives. Growing up, my mother vascilated between being a great parent and a horribly abusive monster. It took years before I found out that she has a personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder specifically. Fast forward, I have always stuck by her and became her full time caregiver after she had a stroke a few years ago. In the last years she has become truly impossible to handle. Because of the personality disorder, she can be very very abusive plus she expected me to handle and do everything for her yet she refused to relinquish any control. This situation became dangerous as she started to exhibit memory loss, symptoms of dementia, and began to have frequent falls after which she would refuse any medical help. Anytime I'd take her to a new doctor to desperately try to get answers, she would put on this cutesy act, flirt with the doctors, and pass all their simple tests. We'd leave with no answers, me in tears, and her happy as could be.
She'd tell me often that because she raised me, I owed her and that if I'd wanted to go to school, get married, have kids, ect that I should have done it in my twenties because I should have realized that as the only child that she is my sole responsibility. She'd tell me that she couldn't live alone and that I could have my life back after she dies. I'm only in my late 30s, she's in her late 60s and this could go on for 30 yrs. Meanwhile, I have no friends, no job, she was running me ragged, and I'm practically disabled from a horrible accident in which my back was broken and here I am lifting her dead weight after all her falls. The last few months I had neighbors calling me while I was out running errands, to tell me she was wandering around in her nightie and standing on the seawall in the back yard, she'd also started two fires. I was truly about to have a complete nervous breakdown.
Then I finally made a decision to call 911 after the next fall even though she demanded I not do it. She spent 4 days in the hospital and was then transferred to a rehab to work on the falling issue. At the hospital and rehab, she couldn't keep up the act for that long and several nurses, doctors saw the erratic behavior and they diagnosed her with dementia and told me that I could not provide the care she needed, especially with my back issues, and that she needed to be placed in an ALF. So even though she fought me tooth and nail, I got her into an ALF and started to try to rebuild my life and sanity. I do have POA so I continue to be a caregiver, just no longer hands on all by myself. By the way, all her friends completely support me and nobody but her thinks I did anything wrong by placing her.
Fast forward a year, I got her moved into an even nicer ALF and have moved a few states away to go to school so I can support myself as I have had no paycheck, employment experience in years as I was living with her and taking care of her. I sold her home which was falling into disrepair and I still handle her finances, medical care, ect.
Here is why I need advice. She has NEVER accepted that I "dumped her in a home" and that she is my responsibility and we should be living together with me as sole caregiver again. She is now fighting to get out of the ALF and I don't think she will quit until she's out. Problem is she is truly unable to handle her affairs and relies on me, even today, to do the simplest of things. I am scared to death that if she gets out that it will force me to cut ties with her as she wants to live how she wants to live but can't accomplish this without taking over my life and making me her indentured servant. I know that sounds crazy but it's true, before the ALF I was constantly cleaning up disasters and I'm terrified I will be forced to do it again. If I cut ties, am I still responsible for her? What happens when she inevitably gets into trouble, I'm the first person who will get called the second she falls, causes a fire or accident. I can't handle this as I am just getting my life back. Any comments or suggestions on how I handle this? Thank you for your patience in reading all this, I greatly appreciate it!
Last edited by lilred0005; 08-22-2014 at 09:41 AM..
Reason: spelling error
I think for your own sanity, you need to stay where you are and let your mother go. Just because she gave birth to you, does not give her the right to abuse you. I don't see how she can get herself out of the ALF if there are doctors who will testify about her dementia. Distance yourself from your mother once and for all, and let these "friends" deal with her from now on. You've done your best, now it's your turn to have a life. I seriously would walk away from this.
My mantra: "I can only do what I can do." I say it with a smile to my grandma who lives with us, followed with an "I love you." End of conversation.
I say it with no smile to my father and his brother on the occasions they need to do something for their mother and would rather see me do it. End of conversation.
Her placement is the best thing for her. Even without her dementia and behavior issues, she shouldn't expect you to sacrifice your life for her. That's not okay, and that's her illness/disorder talking. You don't let someone's crazy make your life decisions--or their own either, in this case. Your duty as a child is to know she is taken care of. She is. You could not take care of her properly even if you wanted to, and you can tell her that.
My other mantra: Not my monkeys, not my circus.
Breathe.
You've been a loving and more than dutiful child to your mother.
I'm thinking you only needed to see your situation in black and white and are not really considering going back to the way things were before you escaped. Change nothing other than strengthen your resolve to leave circumstances as they are.
If you are seriously thinking about cutting ties, I'd suggest you talk with an attorney who specializes in elder law first. If you can't afford that (and many can't), perhaps a social worker at her ALF or her State Edler Services can steer you in the right direction.
The reason I say this is that if you personally signed any papers with the ALF you could still be held responsible. If you can, you might relinquish guardianship to the State but that usually involves a court hearing (which you may or may not have to attend, I honestly don't know).
Thank you for all the thoughtful replies! No, I know I can't go back into that situation, it's not safe for either of us. However, because I only have POA and not guardianship, I technically can't force her to live anywhere. Sadly she thinks she's better, and is completely forgetful about how bad she was, so that means she doesn't need the ALF, when honestly the only reason she has improved is because of the structure of the ALF. I couldn't get her to take her meds correctly, eat properly, ect. She wants to do what she wants to do...PERIOD, and that's what she did with me as sole caregiver as she wasn't listening to me and would stay up all night, would eat junk food all night, not take her meds, ect. In the ALF however, she knows she can't pull that crap so she's now been eating well, takes the meds as prescribed, goes to bed at a decent hour, and thus is doing better but not well enough to go out on her own and be safe. Sadly, she's made an appointment with a neurologist she's seen before because she thinks she can manipulate him into writing a recommendation that she's okay to leave the ALF. I've told the staff at her ALF all about her plans, they are not worried in the least, however I am because I know how manipulative she can be.
Biggest problem lies in the fact that she has zero plans on how to accomplish a move. She sees nothing except getting out of the ALF because she "can't stand being told what to do". And, outside of getting out, she has no plans on what to do next. I think she expects me to buy her a house (with her money) and get her all settled in, but I know that would never be the end. All her friends completely support me and will not help her if she does this. Unfortunately, my mother has problems shopping for herself, loses everything including money and debit cards, and expects me to be there to help her. I figured if she somehow gets out of the ALF, I will have to go to an attorney to have a document drawn up stating I can no longer be POA. My fear is as her only relative. I'm going to be expected to pick up the pieces when she's not eating because she can't figure out how to use the debit card to buy groceries, or if she gets sick or falls, or gets into a car and wrecks it. After years of hell, I finally found a solution to keep her safe and very well taken care of and me sane and the thought of her going out and ruining all my years of hard work just kills me.
It doesn't matter what she expects. Don't give in to her demands. You have to just walk away from this or she will control you forever. Stay where you are, several states away, and don't respond to her any longer. You have done more than enough.
I can't stand the fact that this may force me to completely cut her off. The minute she gets sick, can't figure out how to pay her bills, ect, I am the only next of kin so the hospital, authorities will then call me and what do I say? What kind of monster doesn't help their elderly parent? But on the other hand, I've done everything I possibly could for her for years and because she feels I owe her, she will not have it any other way except me taking care of her and living with her. Sometimes I truly feel as though she's trying to suck me dry. The psychologist who recently saw her said my mother needs me for narcissistic supply and will do anything to continue to get that from me. I don't know how to take care of her and keep myself sane unless she's being looked after in an ALF.
Only if you are her legally-appointed guardian, I believe. Having a POA only means you can do certain things on her behalf. Perhaps one of her friends will step up?
I would definitely talk to an attorney about separating yourself from your mother.
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